Online Dating-Week 32

I am lacking in motivation to write this week’s post. First, I only logged onto the site twice, and maybe read 15 profiles total. Also, I am still hanging out with someone I met, so it makes it less fun (and worthwhile) to read the profiles of other men.  I am monogamous to a fault, I guess? Or, I just don’t multi-task very well. Anyway, here is a recap of the good and not so good quotes and photos from this week:

One 56-year old from my hood wants his matches to know that his favorite color is orange, “because of past memories of Halloween.” I don’t know a lot of men who want to reveal their favorite color to you.  I can’t even remember the last time I told anyone my favorite color?  Maybe junior high or high school? And I am a chick!

This week was not without a faithful viewer of the television show, Two and a Half Men,” however, this bachelor wants the ladies to know that he is neither Charlie nor Allen. Whew! The player and the metro-sexual: not top choices on my list.

One guy listed his favorite hot spot as “Walmart.” While I would not list that store as a “hot spot” for entertainment purposes, it is probably number one on my list of favorite places to shop for food and necessities. I give them TONS of my money every month! (If you want entertainment, I suggest you log onto the “People of Walmart” website. You will not only be entertained by what you see, but you might just be a little shocked at who is showing up at your local store!)

One 52-year old seeking women aged 40-60 (please note realistic age parameters) said, “Who’s into Monster Trucks and Tractor Pulls???? Yeah… neither!” I thought it was a cute statement, and one I had never seen before. Guess he isn’t into the rough-around-the-edges ladyfolk.

One 46-year old with the name “Sleepin” states that “I put the seat down.” Wow! He must have read my post from last week!

To wrap up the odd and the wacky, one 52-year old local guy with no photo and an income of less than $25,000 had a profile that I will quote in its entirety, EXACTLY as it was written:

“I am a former acomplished Athlete Still in great shape for my age I pray every day go to church every day but Im still a new follower of Crist I’m Quiet I talk to friends Daily but I’m still alone alot and trying to change that……I like to go to church and play with my cat and my favorite thing is Christian.” The latent English teacher in me was ALL OVER the misspellings, lack of accurate punctuation and intermittent capitalization. How many times do I have to say, “GET SOMEONE TO PROOFREAD YOUR PROFILE BEFORE YOU POST IT!!!”

There were two winning photos this week, both of which had beer as their theme. One same town guy posted a photo of himself with six other people, most of whom were elderly. One of the older gentlemen was sporting a t-shirt that said, “I Fear No Beer!” Apparently beer must flow from the fountain of youth, because gramps is still kickin! The other photo was a close-up of a spaniel-type dog sniffing at a bottle of beer. I guess Spuds MacKenzie has passed the Budweiser torch to another breed? The canine motto is, “Share the beer!”

And last but not least, I leave you with a quote posted by a fella that sums up his view of dating. “One must look with the heart. Remember the eyes are blind.” I LOVE that, especially since I so often confine myself to a boxed type. I am realizing that what I really want is most likely outside of my box, so I need to heed the advice and let my heart do the looking. My eyes aren’t what they used to be anyway!

As always, thanks for reading and have a great week!

Online Dating-Week 31

It has been a busy weekend, so I am behind in my recaps for this week. Though I actually read very few profiles, the guys never fail to provide me with SOMETHING to write about. Here we go…..

One 54-year old took me back to time spent in Texas hanging out in a hole-in-the-wall bar in the Stockyards of Ft. Worth. This beer drinkin’, pool shootin’ West Texas stud said the following, “I am a hard-working country boy and I need the attention and contact that only a good woman can give.” I’ll bet when he finds her, she’ll be wearing cowboy boots and a hat, and can rope a calf, too.

Under the category, “Ridiculous Age Parameters,” one 48-year old from my very neighborhood wrote, “I’ve dated all ages, and prefer women between 27 and 35. Duh! What post-middle aged guy would NOT want some hot young thing 21 years his junior?

Another 50-year old from my hometown said, “I love kids and play hard with my son and often have other kids join us in balls-to-the wall fun!” Obviously, girls must NOT be included in this anatomically correct playtime. He also wants you to know that, “I wanna burn some serious carbs, am hooked on endorphins and am into turbo cuddling!” I like the references to carb burning and an endorphin high, but the cuddling part sounds kind of painful!

One 54-year old divorced, atheist who posted no photo said the following. “I haven’t had a meaningful job since retiring from the Army after being declared unfit for duty. I don’t have a social circle and don’t want to be thrust into one. I’d like to caravan around the country for a few years.” This fellow could definitely benefit from my profile writing advice. There are ways to mask the fact that you are a non-believing, under-employed, loner-qualities which are generally NOT associated with being a “chick magnet.” Contact me and we’ll work on it. No lies, just “embellishment.”

I did get to look at several photos  this week. Lots of guys take their own pics with their cell phones, often in front of the bathroom mirror. A guy this week was no exception. I could not help but notice the white, porcelain toilet behind him with the SEAT UP! While  he probably lives alone and it is just more convenient to leave the seat in its upright position, remember, when you hook that special lady, start putting the seat down. Also, have a friend take a few photos of you with a real camera. It will leave a better impression, and won’t showcase your bathroom habits. She can find that out later.

I could totally relate to one 51-year old who said the following, “I enjoy movies and would love to see more adult movies and less Disney.” Amen! I have seen enough animated films to last a lifetime. I am grateful that my son is old enough to go to the movies with his friends, and I am once again free to see chick flicks!

Lastly, Mr. S., a 50-year old local guy, had several items in his profile that just called out to me and NOT in a good way! He is “happy, intelligent, well-educated, stylish, sociable, attractive, caring and clean. I love music, arts, fashion, traveling, meeting people and all is beautiful. I go all out for the holidays, and usually blow a fuse during Christmas. I will go fishing with you if you want, but sorry, I don’t do worms. I like snorkeling, but am afraid to try scuba diving.” I have highlighted in red the items that I would encourage him to either eliminate or re-phrase. Here are some suggestions.  It is assumed that all of us are clean, so that statement seems redundant. I would leave it out. Also, I am a little nervous about men that are into “fashion.” Generally, these guys tend to be lacking in their full dose of testosterone. On the subject of fishing, I don’t do worms either, but I am girl! Boys are supposed to like slimy, crawly, creepy things, or so my son says. AND, how are you gonna hook anything if you don’t use bait?  Lastly, never admit that you are afraid of anything! Girls dig a guy who can protect them from evil, like a great white shark that takes a liking to her on a dive.

I hit the seven-month mark this week. Seven months and 31 posts and STILL no Mr. Right. I encourage him to show his face (soon) whether it is online or in my real life. How about within the next week or so? My 51st birthday is approaching, and I can’t possibly think of a better gift. There, my wish has been tossed out to the universe as I blow out the last of my candles……..

Online Dating-Week 30

My new photos continue to aid in increasing communications. I received three “flirty nods” and three emails this week. I am beginning communication with one local, same-aged guy, but that is all I will reveal. Some things need to be kept private (and off the internet) unless there really is something to talk about. You will be the first to know if there is “news.” This week, I also had one of the guys in my writing group proofread my profile. (He has subscribed to online dating sites in the past, and has met with success.) I am pleased to report that in his male, unbiased opinion, my profile received a passing grade. (This is a good thing since I am rather critical of the profiles posted by my potential matches.) So, in regards to this online dating stuff, I have done all I can do. My profile is up-to-date and apparently okay, and my photos are current and close-up. I will just sit back, relax, and read profiles. Here is what I found interesting and sharable this week:

One guy actually included a question in his profile. He wants to know, “Is there a woman that is 35-50 who can forgive small issues, does not complain about every single detail, not a victim in every conversation and can honestly be in a good mood the majority of the time in this state?” My answer to Mr. Frustrated is “No.” All of the women in this state and the remaining 49 are incapable of possessing the qualities you mentioned because they have a uterus. When one is the keeper of this particular body part, and all of the other parts that go with it, she is rendered incapable of acting in the manner you describe. She is entitled to be whiny and bitchy and moody ANYTIME she wants to because she is female. Period. (Pun intended!)

There was one rambling manifesto in this week’s lot, but I will refrain from picking on him too much since he was a hippie and  fellow veg-head. (One of my favorite alter egos.)  He did, however, mention the following, which grabbed my attention: “I caught the happy virus last night when I was out singing beneath the stars.” Here is a word of advice for Mr. Long On Words. It is probably NOT a good idea to use the word “virus” in a profile you are writing to attract women, even if it is a “happy” one. For example, I am sure that lots of folks who have contracted the Herpes virus were quite happy when they were exposed, but not so much later…..Just food for thought!

Each person’s profile has a “tag line” at the top of their page, and this one caught my attention: “My Juliette, My Juliette, where art for my Juliette!!!” First of all, please know that I really dig Shakespeare. I took a course my junior year in college that was nothing but reading, interpreting,and then writing about Shakespeare’s works. It was one of the best classes I enrolled in during my stint at the university. If one is going to quote Shakespeare, (and include a little “twist”), it would be my recommendation that you jot it down correctly. The actual quote from Juliet is, ” O Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou, Romeo.” Remember guys, always spell check your work, AND get your quotes right!

On the topic once again of ridiculous age parameters, one 56-year old gent (who looked every minute of it), is seeking women aged 37-47. I am not even going to issue a comment.

There weren’t any crazy photos this week, just the usual close-ups and snapshots from scenic venues, however, one 51-year old posted five photos of himself, all of which were blurry and out-of-focus. Did you not notice that when you posted the photos? And I thought I was the only one who needs readers!

One youthful looking 56-year old had a few items in his profile that I found noteworthy. First, he wants his matches to know that he always eats his veggies, even brussel sprouts. That makes two guys now who have mentioned an affinity for veggies, especially the not-always-popular ones. (The other guy had just recently added asparagus to his preferred list.) He also stated that he wants his matches to, “Be kind to strangers, old men and stray dogs.” I have no problem extending kindness and caring to strangers and stray dogs, but after nearly seven months of reading the profiles of old men, my patience and niceness have been worn thin! Lastly, he included a statement that could be written by me. He says, “I am not shy except with girls I have a crush on!” OMG. I say this all the time. I can talk all day with a fellow that I am not attracted to, or perceive as a friend, but put an available guy in front of me who peaks my interest, and suddenly I become mute. (Not an easy feat for talkative Joan!) This exact scenario just happened to me a few weeks ago. I am fully aware of this flaw in my character and am forcing myself to work on it.

Last but not least, one Irish Catholic local guy had not one, BUT two great quotes in his profile. Number One:  “I am looking to complement not complicate your life.” And, Number Two: “I’m not looking for perfection, but rather for someone who is perfect for me!” Well done, lad. I hope you find what you are searching for!

That wraps up your peek into the online dating world for this week. Thanks to my Facebook link, my readership (and subscriptions) have increased. I greatly appreciate that you take time out of your day to read the ramblings of a 50-year old. Apparently, my son and his friends aren’t the only ones with something interesting to say. Peace out!

Online Dating-Week 29

I posted a few new photos on my profile this week. (The pics were taken on our recent trip to the Bahamas.) Apparently, this was all I needed to do in order to shake things up a bit. I received four flirtatious communications from men aged 54-65, and two emails. One of the flirts was a small-in-stature, 59-year old who posted no photo. He is seeking women aged 45-63. He received one point for considering women four years his senior, but loses two points for chasing after ladies 14 years his junior. The 65-year old is seeking women aged 50-80. His magic number appears to be fifteen-he’ll go 15 years younger and 15 years older. I get the younger chick thing, but an 80-year old woman? I honestly have trouble conjuring up a visual of that relationship. Also, the dating site warns that a broad age-range can be a method of the scammer, as they seek to be matched with as many profiles as possible. Watch out ladies!

I was sent the profile of a 47-year old firefighter from my home state. He was a very fit fellow, who posted several shirtless photos of himself. While he was no match for me, I do give him my vote as Mr. August in the upcoming 2012 Hotter-Than-Hell Firefighter Calendar. He was very specific about characteristics he considered deal breakers:

“No smokers or liberals. We would never agree. I don’t believe in spreading the wealth.”

“Not interested in anyone who defines themselves as a mom.”

“If you are currently separated and haven’t filed for divorce, you shouldn’t be on here.”

I came up with an easier (and shorter) way to say all of the above: ” No Democrat, cigarette smoking moms who haven’t ditched daddy yet!”

I had two favorite photos this week. The runner-up was actually two photos posted by “Cheerful Marshall.” His primary photo, probably fairly current, portrayed a gray-haired gent wearing rather large wire-framed glasses which covered a large portion of his face. When you clicked on photo #2, Marshall was staring at me from behind the same pair of spectacles, however, his hair was now a brownish/blond. Apparently, Mr. Cheerful has been donning the same pair of eyeglasses since the 70’s. My advice to him would be to update the lenses with a look that is more current. (I know a great optometrist I can hook him up with.) New lenses plus new photos equals more dates with the chicks. This will give Marshall something to really be cheery about!

The winning photo was actually the 11th and final photo in a slide show posted by a potential match. The picture was a close-up of a cup of beer resting on the arm of a chaise lounge. In the foreground, one could see sand, cabanas and a brief hint of the ocean. This photo rivals pictures frequently sent to me by a co-worker, who resides in Florida.  J.P.enjoys sending close-up shots of his feet, which are generally poolside or propped up on the bow of a boat. Photos of beers and feet. Gotta love the guys!

That folks is a wrap! It was a good week. I had a cool thing happen on Facebook a few days ago. I found one of my favorite high school teachers, who just happened to teach English, one of my better subjects. We are now “friends.” I wonder if I can encourage him to retrieve his red pen from the moth balls and critique my writing? It would be like the old days, though I would no longer be a menace in class. I have grown up-some!

Online Dating-Week 28

This Bahama Mama had the better part of week 28 off-from work, chores and reading profiles. My son and I, along with my sister and her family, spent four funtastic days on Paradise Island (along with several thousand other folks.) Needless to say, I had little time to visit my lone online dating site. (A treat in itself!) I probably read less than 10 profiles between Friday and today, and only managed to jot down one humorous description. “Wild Scott” was sent to me as a match. W.S., a lead guitarist in a jazz/blues band, posted a single photo, which was a close up of him and his scruffy, bearded face with puckered lips, lying on a sofa. He wants his potential mates to know, “Most would say I’m crazy funny, not crazy nuts.” I would inform Steve that I was a sane, older woman until I went crazy nuts after spending six months reading bios on two online dating sites!

I promise to read (and write) more next week. It is forecasted to be a dangerously hot week here, so I shall be spending lots of time indoors at the computer. In addition to this blog, I also hope to spend some time re-working a writing piece that I hope to submit to a magazine. (I just put that intention out there so I would be accountable to someone to actually work on my little story.) It is easy to write a blog where mostly friends check in to see what I am scribbling down. It is completely different to pen something for the critical eye of strangers who have the power to reject your work. I enjoy the safe, cozy, positive space this blog provides, and I thank you for taking the time to check in this week!

Online Dating-Week 27

This was a busy week for me, which left little time for browsing through profiles. I did read a few, and managed to extract some noteworthy sentences which I shall share with you now.

One 55-year old gent says, “I’m looking for a best friend and long-term partner who doesn’t snore too much.” I would have to agree with Mr. Double Nickels. I believe there are a staggering number of couples who actually sleep in different rooms due to this very noisy, bed-rattling condition.

Another guy with an intact sense of humor states, “I can even pass a FBI background check!” In this day and age, one must also be able to pass an AIDS test as well.

Another funny, local fella listed words NOT used to describe himself: Skoal, GED, Probation, Parole, Live w/mama. I would also toss in unemployed, tattooed, bankrupt, never-married and player.

This next quote is printed in its exact form: “I enjoy conservation about most anything and the Bilbe.” I have stressed in much earlier posts the importance of utilizing spell check, or at least a teenage proofreader. This is precisely the reason why!

One romantic bachelor considers “mutual massages, foot rubs and bubble baths a must.” This conjures up those infamous Cialis commercials with the couple in dual bathtubs, which just happen to be located outdoors in their scenic backyard. Due to the age of my matches, I would find it highly likely that Mr. Bubbles needs to pop a pill before jumpin’ in the tub!

And lastly, there is always at least one guy who has ridiculous expectations of the age ranges of his potential mates. This week, one 52-year old (who looked older) is seeking women aged 35-51. Okay, it is math time again. He is comfortable dating a woman 17 years his junior (a little on the creepy side), but cannot date a woman his own age. (She has to be at least a year younger than him.) WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?????? After more than six months of reading profiles, I still fail to understand the insecurity of men who cannot date/marry a woman their own age, or even a few years older. Especially, when they look MUCH OLDER THAN THEIR AGE!

And, that folks, is all she wrote. I hope you had a good week, and that your summer is in full swing. Our summer has been anything but “lazy,” and appears to be passing at lightening speed. I will write more about that in another post!

Online Dating-Week 26

Two milestones have been reached this weekend. First, yesterday marked six months since subscribing to the first online dating site and my commitment to writing this journal of sorts. It also marks the end of my subscription to said first site. There are no regrets about the time and money invested in this membership. I did not meet Mr. Right, but I did extract lots of material for this blog from the countless profiles I read. This leaves me with just one site, where one must tread carefully due to a high level of scammers, con artists and just flat out liars, who are all considered my “match.”

Summer is in full swing, especially with this the Fourth of July weekend. Over this long holiday, there will plenty of opportunities for swimming, barbecuing, firework displays and motorcycling. Motorcycles you say? There were several Harley dudes lookin for love in this week’s matches. (In fact, one 57-year old biker posted no photo of himself, but did include a snazzy photo of his shiny, metallic blue Harley!)  Come along for a ride through this week’s peek at profiles……

One gent wants his match to know, “I’m a guy who will kiss you in the rain, your bedroom, or in a restaurant.” I’m not sure why I felt the need to jot this phrase down? It just struck me as kind of funny. Anyway, I think I prefer singin in the rain! He also loves to watch “Dancing with the Stars,” which I thought was mostly a chick show. At least he didn’t mention “Two and a Half Men.” (You must read an earlier post for clarification.)

Under “Favorite Things,” one 45-year old said, “I am pretty much steak and potatoes, but I did try asparagus yesterday.” My son’s pediatrician once told us, “As you grow older, your taste buds grow up, too.” I am happy to hear that Mr. Meat and Potatoes has experienced a growth spurt with his own taste buds and is actually eating his veggies!

A second 45-year old was very adamant that “I do not want a player.” (He followed this up by including, “I know that statement coming from a guy is hilarious.”) I don’t know about you, but I did laugh out loud. I had never heard females described as “players,” but my younger, hip hair stylist assured me that there certainly are such women. I just happened to catch a few reruns of  “Sex and the City” the other night, and concluded that Samantha is most definitely a player. Yes, in many ways, women today are certainly giving men a race for the prize as top D-A-W-G.

One faceless, 56-year old listed several things that he is passionate about, including “Hanging out with my two best friends in the whole world, (that would be BFFWW-Best Friends in the Whole World) and zombies.” Huh? How can one be passionate about zombies? I thought they were dead? Does he see dead people? He is also thankful for his “sexual apitite.” Do his sexual conquests include zombies, because I think that is called Necrophilia? He also listed his occupation as “Iowes.” Is that shorthand for “I owe, therefore, I go to work?”

As I mentioned earlier, there were several biker dudes this week. The two most memorable ones included a youthful looking 50-year old and fairer Howard Stern look-a-like. (His long, board-straight blonde hair fell down to his waist.) He is passionate about peace and social justice. Like me, he was born just a little too late to have been an official hippie from the Haight Ashbury/Woodstock era. He wears his hair long and probably also drives an old VW bus spray painted with psychodelic graffiti. I channel my inner hippie by following a vegetarian diet, proudly donning clothing, jewelry and handbags decorated with peace signs, and my politics lean toward liberal. ” My motto is “Peace, Love and Rock-n-Roll!”

The second 55-year old biker guy wrote one of those rambling manifestos I often speak about. I could have reprinted the entire profile here for your entertainment, but for brevity’s sake, I will list a few of his priceless statements:

“Outside, I look like an old, short, fat, bald, grumpy biker….”

“I HATE to shave. I also HATE to do laundry.”

“I have a potty mouth and talk like a sailor. Two of my favorite words are wiener and turd.”

On a much more positive note, I leave you with a few precious quotes one local guy used in his own well-written profile:

“When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered not yelled.”

“Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.”

I hope you pick one or all three to inspire you this week and beyond. There is nothing like a good mantra to steer you back on track if you have temporarily skidded off the road. Thanks for riding (and reading) along this week!

Online Dating-Week 25

I did not read a lot of profiles this week, but the (chosen) few that I did, provided a fair amount of material.  Those bios, coupled with a flirtatious gesture and one email, confirm that there is a lot of nonsense and game-playing that goes on within these sites. Here are this week’s winners:

Under the heading, “Who has been the most influential person in your life?,” one gent wrote, “I don’t really have a most influential person. I pretty much figured out life by myself.” Really? You must be some kind of genius! You landed on a planet, inhabited by billions of people, of which you have probably crossed paths with at least a few thousand, and not ONE person had some kind of memorable impact on you? I, too, landed on this same planet, have crossed paths with a few thousand people to-date, have been influenced in ways large and small by many and I STILL HAVE NOT FIGURED OUT LIFE!

One “Dudeman” (the actual name he goes by on the dating site) acknowledges that he is short (5’7″). He apologizes for his lack of stature, and then says, “I am still hoping for my growth spurt. Maybe some day….” First of all, 5’7″ is not all that short, so I personally would not even mention it. We single women can actually read, and your height and body type are posted right on your profile. Secondly, never apologize for that which you cannot change. Self confidence is a turn-on for women. And remember, good things often do come in small packages!

One avid beach bum mentioned that he likes putting his toes in the sand with a special person. He wants you to write back if his profile sparked an interest, and then “Let’s see if we can put 20 toes in the sand. Wow! I really dig a guy who can count, especially to 20!

One 54 year-old fella had two things that caught my attention in his profile. The first was the age range of his matches. (This is often a telling portion of a profile.) He is looking for women ages 36-59. Now, let’s do some math here.  Mr. Old Fart will date a woman who is as young as 18 years his junior or merely four years his senior. I do give him credit for even considering women  older than him, (most men do not), but 18 years younger? Kind a creepy, Grandpa! He also mentions that IKEA is a good place to get to know someone. How is that? When I enter an IKEA, I am generally concerned that I will ever find my way out of the maze. I would find it difficult to “get to know someone” while I frantically wander in circles, searching for an exit as I hyperventilate into a brown paper bag!

A 53-year old mail carrier, who posted no less than 25 photos, wrote the majority of his profile with references to fairy tales. He covered Prince Charming, Cinderella, The Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty, Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretl, and The Beauty and the Beast, to name more than a few! While I desperately want to give him an “A” for effort and creativity, I can’t get past the fact that an aging, presumably heterosexual male wrote a fairy tale-based profile in an effort to attract grown women. I think his “grade” is just a great big question mark with a “Huh?” written beside it!

One Rambo wannabee (he actually posted a photo of himself dressed in camouflage with matching face paint) wrote in great length about hunting with his bow and arrow. He wants his readers to know that “I have hunted all around this great country, and the bounty is amazing.” I want him to know that for nearly six long and painful months, I have hunted all around this great country via online dating sites and the bounty is far less than amazing. In fact, it is down right ridiculous most of the time.

My flirtatious gesture was sent by a 32-year old local guy. His profile mentioned that he was looking for women ages 24-49, he has never been married but does have two children, he is into fitness and works at a local bank. He also wants his potential matches to know that “I enjoy shopping. The woman I am seeking has to love shopping. I can’t have a girl that will be annoyed with having to wait for me outside the stores.” Huh? I did NOT respond to him for a MULTITUDE of reasons. While he was quite attractive and physically fit, I can’t figure out if he is heterosexual, bisexual, metrosexual or just plain confused? Also, as mentioned earlier in this post, an 18-year age difference is just plain creepy when it comes to male-female relationships. It may appear as if someone is looking for a parent rather than a partner. (Just another letter “r” differentiates the two.) But mostly, I took a pass because I have learned after 25 weeks, that there is a fair amount of game-playing and scamming that goes on within these sites. Remember the very scientific stats that were mentioned in an earlier post? Merely 20% of singles (or supposed singles) on these sites are legit! The rest are frauds looking to take advantage of folks just lookin for love!

This brings me to an email sent by a supposed 50 year-old Brazilian native, currently residing in California. Despite the fact that his profile says that he is looking for women ages 37-45, he wrote to my 50-year old self. He said, “I am getting lots of messages from some freaks here. I am planning to cancel my subscription. Wanna chat by email (insert his personal email address)? Can you reply with some private pics if you’re up for it?”  The answer is NO! First of all, you obviously can’t read. I am five years older that your age range. Secondly, you are getting a lot of messages from “freaks” because you live in a state that is notorious for housing “freaks.” Perhaps, you are unaware of that well-known fact because you are not from here? (Brazil? That is a new one. Most scammers are from Russia or Africa. South America is a new one. It does have a certain sexy, daring, Latin flair to it. You get the “A” for creativity this week.) Thirdly, why so quick to begin chatting with me off the dating site? And why the request for “private pics?” Don’t you like any of  the four photos I have already posted? I did not fall for your scam, Mr. Brazil, but I am considering reporting you as a “concern” to the dating site. You folks really are kind of despicable and pathetic.

In an attempt to leave on a “lighter note,” one gent wrote, “I have been told that I am very funny. I know I crack myself up!” I don’t know if I am “very funny,” but I hope that this post at least made the corners of your mouth turn upward. See you next week! The official six-month mark.  UGH!

Online Dating-Week 24

I stuck to my vow of limited viewing this week. I checked my newest site only twice, mostly so I would have SOMETHING to write about. (There really was no “match” that seemed ultra interesting to me anyway.) My original site is really pulling out the big guns as my renewal date approaches.  As I have mentioned before, for the better part of three months, they have sent me many photoless guys from quite far away. All of a sudden, there is a bumper crop of local bachelors, all a perfect match for me! I think they are trying to convince me that they have more available hometown men, so that I will give them more of my money and another three months. No way! I am done. I suppose with one less site, there will be less material for this blog and potential book, but I am okay with that. I can still get plenty of silly tidbits from site number two, with the lengthy bios that guys write. Here are some snippets from this week:

One guy wrote, “I love dogs, especially Rottweilers.” Me too! I have had six dogs in my lifetime, and our Rottweiler was my favorite. (Shhh. Don’t tell my current Labrador Retriever that I just wrote that! She is already quite shy and lacking in self-esteem. Plus, she is currently wearing the “cone of shame” thanks to recent foot surgery, which is making her even more self-conscious.)

Another local gent mentioned his “best match story to-date.” Apparently, he met up with a woman who has “seen dead people.” Obviously, this was a deal breaker for him.  I wonder what he would think about me and my conversations with my late friend, Debbie? I don’t actually see her, but I do talk to her and believe that she can hear me. I am probably not a match for him either! This same guy also mentioned that he is a “pretty good dancer for a white guy.” I found this comment cute and kind of funny!

One fella found it necessary to inform his readers that “God has been very good to me.” Now, considering the life-altering events that occurred within my family in the past decade (cancer hit the family twice with one fatality, and a diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes for my then seven-year old son), one might presume that “God has been very bad to me. ” Not so. I think that God is very good to EVERYONE. Our human, ego-driven selves often misinterpret life challenges as punishment by a vengeful God, when they really are just opportunities for personal growth granted to us by a God that knows only love.

At least three men have mentioned that they like to shop. One guy specifically stated that he likes rifling through the racks at TJ Maxx. (This is one of my favorite stores, where I, too, can be found sifting through the aisles of clothes, shoes and kitschy home goodies.) Another guy mentioned that he especially likes shopping WITH women for clothes. I had to read that line twice to make sure that he did not say, “I like shopping FOR women’s clothes.” There is a HUGE difference!

Under favorite things, one guy wrote, “I got a Harley.” The latent grammar coach in me just had to correct this with, “I have a Harley, and I am pretty sure that Joan will NOT be going for a ride!”

My all time favorite quote this week came from a Bill Gates look-alike who spends most of his free time in Boy Scout related activities. Under “Most important thing I am looking for, ” he wrote, ” In general terms, a lady in public and passionate in the bedroom.” I recognize slightly altered plagiarism when I see it. I think the correct phrasing of this famous line is, ” I am looking for a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom, ” or something along those lines. Wow, boy scouts have really changed over the years! Perhaps, they finally figured out that all of that knot tying they learn comes in handy with the ladies hookers.

Thanks for reading along this week. Remember, I don’t write em, I just repeat em. I could NOT make this s_ _ _  up! (I have taken a no cussing vow again.)  Have a good weekend and an even better week. Summer officially begins on Tuesday. Funny thing, we never really had a spring in our neck of the woods!

Online Dating-Week 23

I was back this week, but in my new, limited way. I have only checked my second dating site once, but have been on the original site a few times. (They must have gotten wind that I am about to cancel my subscription, so they are inundating me with matches nearly everyday, with some even from my home state and town!) It has been freeing to only read certain profiles, which also resulted in fewer notes in my handy, dandy notebook. This left me more time to deal with yet another breakdown of a young, major home appliance (my four-year old washer), and my duties as chauffeur to Miss Daisy, formerly known as my son, M. I am currently trying to figure out the intentions of a certain male at my gym, who as Mick Jagger sings, “Is just dying to meet me.” (I think!) I can’t determine if he is just shy, uncertain of my own “hooked up” status, married, or ALL of the above. The “married thing” would NOT be cool, and would add an ugly chapter to this book-in-the-making.

Here are a few nice, funny and silly items plucked from profiles this week:

One kind gentleman wrote this under the heading, The Most Influential Person in my Life: ” My son because of the way he behaved during his fight with cancer (he won!)” To this I say,”AWESOME!” I love to hear about yet another cancer survivor. Also, kudos to dad for recognizing and acknowledging this in his profile.

One funny guy wrote the following under “Occupation:” CPA (Car parking attendant). Cute! I think that I might begin using CPA as my own acronym for occupation: Certified Profile Analyzer. I think I have earned this title after reading approximately 300-400 profiles over a five-month period!

One Harley riding dude wrote this under Favorite Things: “Cooking, remodel rooms and sewing (yes, I can sew pretty well.)” I kind of like this guy. He is definitely in touch with his masculine AND feminine sides, sort of like the music artist, Prince.

And, last but not least, my favorite from a 46-year old with a “supposed PhD.,” who was quite chatty with his profile. First, he posted 25 photos (a bit over done, don’t you think?) that included two close-up shots of his tattoos. Nice! He wants the reader to know that, “The partner in crime and life thang sounds good to me.” (I, too, am looking for a life partner, but was going to try to steer clear of committing any crimes at this stage in my life.) He has been told that he is an attractive man who is 6 feet, 210 lbs. He plays high stakes Blackjack, and has played in casinos just about everywhere. He has also studied (extensively) and fought full contact Bushido. (I had to look that up. It is a Japanese samurai warrior martial arts “thang.”) Under favorite things, he listed music, TV shows, college football and foods, and wrote “sugar sucks.” This modern-day Clyde (looking for his Bonnie) is WAY TOO much man for me, and while I know that “sugar sucks” from a nutritional perspective, I can’t live without it!

That’s all for this week. I kind of like the brevity of this post with its sugar sweet ending. See you next time.