Last month, I wrote about my mammogram. Today, it was time for my annual pelvic exam. (I will spare you all the details.) If you are a female over the age of 18, you most likely already know the drill: Undress from the waist down, cover yourself with a sheet of paper, climb into the stirrups and prepare to have every shred of your dignity tossed aside for the sake of the exam.

I look forward to this yearly ritual with the same enthusiasm as one might have towards an ingrown toenail or a root canal, but it has to be done. Years ago, I had a few abnormal pap smears and underwent a few minor procedures to rid myself of those atypical cells. I faithfully show up every year to insure that only normal cells have taken up residence in my girlie parts.

If you haven’t scheduled your yearly exam, be sure to make that appointment. A little embarrassment and humiliation are worth the piece of mind that a negative test result will provide. Enduring a mammogram and pelvic exam is a small price to pay for the gift of being a woman.

My errands today included a trip to the supermarket. In addition to stocking up on staples, such as bread, milk, cereal, salad-in-a-bag and toilet paper, my cart also included the following:

Jello Chocolate/Vanilla Swirls Pudding

Fudgsicles

Weight Watchers Chocolate Cake

Weight Watchers Chocolate Brownies

Chocolate Ice Cream Cups

Snack-size Snickers, Twix and 3 Musketeers

Notice a pattern here? A huge percentage of my grocery tab included items containing the by-product of the cocoa bean.  One look at the calendar and I knew why. It is PMS time. My monthly visitor is due in about five days. My son might say that a good old fashioned chocolate binge isn’t the only symptom of my impending monthly cycle. He claims that I get my “mean face” on.  Maybe,  I just need to increase my infusion of chocolate in an effort to ward off a personality change, she says as she pops a Hershey’s kiss into her mouth!

The girls and I had a lunchtime date today.  This was not your usual soup, salad and gossip type outing.  It was time for my annual mammogram.  This was probably my ninth or tenth test, but it never gets less painful or embarrassing.  The girls no longer stand at attention like good soldiers, so they have to be hoisted onto the machine by the technician. I am then placed in several contortionist positions in order to get the best view of the twins, “righty and lefty.”  Who came up with this idea? I am pretty sure it was man.

We, the women of the world, should unite and develop some kind of test where the “man parts” (also referred to as their second brain), are tossed onto a cold, metal plate and flattened out like pancakes.  I am pretty sure that there would be some kind of uprising or coup!  They would not tolerate “the boys” being handled in such an inhumane way. They would become sympathetic to our cause. Newer technologies would be developed so that their mothers, wives, sisters and daughters would not be subjected to the humiliation of the mammogram.

Until then, ladies please be sure to schedule your annual or bi-annual  mammogram if you are 40 or older. If there is a history of breast cancer in your family, or if you have other risk factors, you should consult with your doctor about the right protocol for you.  Do it for the girls!