I must admit that “dating” was the last thing on my mind this week.  On Tuesday, March 22nd, I had arthroscopic knee surgery. I am hobbling around on crutches, nursing the grapefruit that exists where my left knee once was. I did manage to check my dating service site almost daily, with 19 matches showing up this week. The very mast majority live several states and miles away. (So much for the “300 mile radius” that I set.) Apparently, my service is getting nervous that I am still looking after nearly three months, and is searching the country (and Canada) for ANYONE with a pulse that might be a possibility. On a positive note, there were several “Dad of the Year” candidates this week. A few good men listed their children as their “passion,” which in my book is a REALLY good answer! They also went on to mention that they are enthusiastic/passionate about “living life to the fullest.” Nicely done. I knew that YOU were out there.

There were several interesting answers that showed up under the “Five Things I Can’t Live Without” category. In no particular order, they include: Internet, At least one good radio station, The History Channel, My Blackberry, Pizza, Money, Cookies, and my personal favorite, “Me.” You can’t live without yourself? He needs to meet R. from a southern state, who lists himself as the most influential person in his life. You two could meet up for coffee and discuss which one is more self-absorbed. They might also want to invite E. from the Midwest, who wants you to know that he is “in very good shape,” and that his match “must also be in good shape, and work on it in the gym or in any other way.” He is self-absorbed and controlling!

One fine doctor listed his ex-wife as the most influential person in his life. He gave the nod to her because, “She taught me many things, and took me to highs and lows that I had never seen before nor since.” Wow! She sounds like a keeper! How did you let her get away?

One apparently fatigued gent wants you to know that “sleep is a priority.” I can picture him in front of the TV, reclined in his La-Z-Boy snoring away, stocking up on beauty sleep. Shhhhh. We don’t want to wake him.

The winning answer in this week’s profiles was under the “Additional Information That I Want You to Know” category. One mystery man (no photo) from my home state wants you to know that “I am anything but your normal.” I am sorry to say that I did not write to him, because I like normal. Normal is safe, predictable, and usually does not require meds. I hope he finds his own “Abby Normal.”

My three-month membership is close to expiring. I do plan to renew, despite the fact that there has been little return on my initial investment. Suze Orman would not approve.

Eleven weeks. Eleven matches. Zero prospects. Those are the numbers my friends. I was grateful for the low turnout as I am busy nursing an injured knee, however, since all ten fingers still work, I am able to summarize this week’s bachelors. Two of my matches made references to foods and beverages in their profiles. The first gent felt it important to share what kinds of beers he likes. While one would assume that due to my german heritage I would really dig a guy that enjoys his beer, I actually think that including this subject in your profile is a bit of a turnoff. Does this guy really have NOTHING else that he can share about himself other than his choice of alcoholic beverages? To him I say, try to dig a little deeper when drafting your profile. A second guy made two references to food in his profile. He wants you to know that he can’t live without “Tootsie Rolls” (#2 on his list) and “A perfectly grilled steak,” (#5 on his list). Under additional information I would like you to know he said, ” I REALLY like Tootsie Rolls.” I used to REALLY like Tootsie Rolls myself until I tossed one in, chomped on it, and broke a tooth. A visit to the dentist resulted in a crown and $1000.00 withdrawn from my bank account. Bye bye to Tootsie Rolls AND the dude from a neighboring state that “Can’t live without them.”      

I have a few favorite quotes plucked from this week’s bios. Here they are in no particular order:

Under the heading, “What is the one thing that I wish more people would notice about me,” the good doctor answered, “That I am comfortable discussing pretty much anything under the sun.” To which I would ask, “Would you do the same in the shade, cuz I am trying to avoid the sun and its cancer-causing, wrinkle-inducing rays?”

Under the subject, “Who has been the most influential person in your life?”, one very devoted follower said, “Several Catholic priests.” I am pretty sure that very few Catholic priests are getting the “greatest mentor” nod these days, as way too many of them have been outed as pedophiles not teachers.

Another guy gave an honorable mention in the “most influential person category” to “My brother, the MENSA dude.” I really was not attracted to this particular guy based on his sports-oriented profile and his geographical location, but I would like to know if the MENSA dude is available and within my 300-mile radius?

Lest you think I would make little mention of men and their obsession with sports, I would like to share one fellow’s passion. He wants you to know that he “Loves to watch football” and adds, “What man doesn’t?” So there you have it. I am officially screwed. Apparently my attempt to find a mate who isn’t a sports junkie is a futile gesture. I guess I will have to learn to live by the saying, “If you can’t beat em, join em.” I will end this post now so I can flip on the TV and watch the endless telecasts of March Madness. I need to ice my knee anyway………

Week ten brought a whopping 34 matches to my inbox, with one slight problem-the vast majority were way out of my set 300 mile radius. (A mere eight men were from my home state.) Of the 34 eligible bachelors, 13 posted no photo, and at least eight listed “sports” as a passion and/or a leisure time activity. The “weirdometer” was also awakened from its slumber when the second wackiest profile I have read thus far was sent to me. (The first one was written by nature boy who carried his own weather. Remember him?) At least five bios were less than 20 words in length, with one guy summing himself up in just nine words. Three of these “men of few words” couldn’t even be bothered with posting a photo. One has to wonder how truly committed they are to the dating process with so little time invested in creating what is literally an ad for yourself. Here is a quick rundown of my picks of the week:

One ego-maniac wrote, “I am in great shape. I am also intelligent, articulate and well-educated, but not snobbish.” I would beg to differ.

Under the section, “Additional Information I Want You to Know, ” one 57-year old gent wrote, “I am not easy, but I am worth it.” He never mentions family or friends in his profile, only his yellow Labrador Retriever. I felt a bit sorry for this particular fellow, because waking up everyday as Mr. I’m Not Easy has to be lonely at times.

Second place in the Dr. Dolittle category (also known as, “I like animals way more than people”) goes to the fellow who wrote in great length about his horses.

One 52-year old fellow, who I surmised has probably never been married or reproduced himself, is most thankful for the “love, guidance and affection my mother gave me.” He wrote this under the category,” Outside of your family, who has been the most influential person in your life?” Considering those guidelines, mentioning your mother here may cause your reader (me) to assume that you are a mommy’s boy. Not cool when you are a card-carrying member of the AARP!

After a long break, the best photo category actually had two winners this week. The runner-up was lying (fully clothed) on his side on an area rug, looking up at the camera. This particular pose strikes me as something you might see in Playgirl, minus the clothes. Kind of creepy! The winning photo had this particular match standing in a kitchen next to a side-by-side refrigerator decorated with a large snowman. He was dressed in a gray Henley shirt, which was tucked into a pair of blue and white pajama bottoms printed with dolphins. Nice outfit. Thanks for getting all dressed up!

Last but not least is the weirdometer’s pick for wackiest profile of the week. Here is a list of answers he provided to the fill-in-the-blank questions:

The One Thing I Am Most Passionate about: “Inner self-healing, and being in alignment with self.”

The Three Things I Am Most Thankful For: #1 My self, #2 My Beloved (who is she?) #3 My primary relationship with self.

Additional Information I Would Like You to Know: “Although my wife transitioned, I still love her.” While I think he is most likely referring to the fact that his has wife passed on, there is some room to believe that “transitioning” might refer to the fact that she has become a man. This exact thing just happened to a friend of my family. “Joseph” is in the process of transitioning into “Josephine.”

What is the Last Book You Read: “I haven’t read a book in a while. No real interest in another’s creation unless it is someone close to me.” This might explain all of his references to “self.” I think he is a bit self-absorbed!

How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time: (This is my FAVORITE answer.) “Sunning in the shade.” If one is shaded by an umbrella or a tree, I don’t think there is much “sunning” taking place.

On a positive note, there was one nicely written profile from a long-distance match. He portrayed himself as a devoted father and advocate for abused children and animals. There was no talk about a love of sports, or workaholic tendencies. I did send him an email in which I gave him accolades for writing such a thoughtful and compassionate profile. He did not write back. Oh well, I should get extra credit for taking a chance.

A new week has begun, so I am sure more blogging material is on the way. I will keep writing until I can drop the “w” and find Mr. Right.

This week, I hit the two-month mark in my three-month subscription. While the matching started off slow, it ended strong with a total of 19 matches. There was a rather peculiar theme that dominated a few profiles this week. This was the incorrect use of the word “I.” There were three men that repeatedly used this word without capitalizing it within a sentence. (One gent, who listed “Academic” as his occupation, incorrectly used this word eight times.) Their bios were littered with little “i’s.” I was consistently distracted from the context of their profiles by the constant misuse use of one of the easiest words in the English language other than “a.” It bears repeating that if writing and spelling are not your thing, it would definitely be worth the time and effort to have someone proofread your profile BEFORE you post it. There were two interesting answers to the question, “Who has been the most influential person in your life?” Thomas Edison received his second vote in this category. (He was the winner in Week 3 as well.) I consider this an amazing feat for a guy who has been dead for 80 years! Congratulations, Mr. Edison. The other somewhat unlikely nod went to Jesus Christ. This was his first nomination in this category. The occupation of the fellow whose mentor is the son of God was written as follows: Trauma therapist, life coach, yoga therapist, spiritual director. I have just one question for him. How do you fit all of that on a business card?

There was one match who was a polar opposite for me. He was an ex-military guy who listed his ONE passion as: bowling, fishing, gun collecting and shooting. He reads any book about combat, and he wants you to know that he is a “One women man.” The number one thing he can’t live without is iced tea. Wow! What a catch!

The vast majority of single men on dating sites are divorced. There are some widowers and never-marrieds that get sprinkled in every once in a while. This week’s batch of matches did include one widower.  He listed the most influential person in his life as ” my deceased wife.” The number one thing that he is thankful for is, “My deceased wife, who taught me how to be a good partner.”  I am 99% sure that his primary photo, taken in the Fall of 2009, was of him and said “deceased wife.” When I finished reading his profile, my gut instinct was that this guy is not ready for dating. I am not sure what is motivating him to subscribe to an online dating site when he still appears to be grieving? I have learned the hard way that it is virtually impossible to attempt to shortcut your way through grief. You must stay present in the process until you arrive at your destination-acceptance.

Just when you thought you had logged onto the internet and were free from references to Charlie Sheen, you might want to stop reading now. Under the category, “The Five Things I Can’t Live Without,” one fellow listed Two and a Half Men as number five. It appears that it is impossible to escape Charlie Sheen Mania. He is literally EVERYWHERE!

Week eight is now a wrap. I am beginning to get a little bored with this process, even though it provides me with material that I can use for this blog. I log onto my site day after day, only to be disappointed in my choices. I am going to shrug off this lackluster week to the winter blahs. My mood and matches are carbon copies of the gray, dreary, wet days that are the prelude to Spring. I remain hopeful that as the weather warms and the sun shows it’s face more consistently, my matches, too, will be brighter and better.