A mere 29 matches were sent to me this week, about half of my normal payload. It also appears that I have tossed aside all of the local available bachelors, and am now being sent potential matches from a five-state region. (I did set my “radius” to 300 miles, just in case Mr. Right does not live in my hood.) I am sorry to report that even after crossing state lines, I am still safely single. A somewhat disconcerting trend emerged this week in that nine of my 29 matches posted NO PHOTO. I used my handy, dandy calculator and figured out that 31% of this week’s profiles (nearly one-third) literally would not show their face. My motto is, “No photo, no chance.” All in all, it was a relatively quiet week on the “weirdometer,” and there actually were some cute guys with nice profiles. Lest you think you had logged on and were not going to be provided with entertainment, I say don’t stop reading yet. There were a few memorable profiles that are worth sharing.
There were two or three writer wannabees (like me) in this week’s batch. The first Ernest Hemingway attempted to craft a clever little “want ad” to describe himself and his attributes. While I give him an “A” for effort and creativity, he gets a D minus for spelling. A few samples include “conosure” (correct spelling is connoisseur), “achemidic” (he used this spelling for academic twice), and “claqssic” (presumably classic). My advice to him would be to type up his paragraph and then either let the computer or one of his kids spell check it. A second Wizard of Words says that he is “Passionate about the use of language to inspire and compel change.” While that was nice and spoke to the latent linguist in me, he went on to say that he is “Striving to use the better angels of our artistic sense to create real change.” WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN????? Is he suggesting that there are less-than-better or “bad” angels? I racked my brain and could only come up with the Hells Angels, and I don’t think that they are bad. They organize charity rides for great causes like cancer, and they look kind of cool sitting on their Harley’s with their bandanas and leather jackets.
One guy kind of ruffled my feathers with his answer to the question, “The Most Important Thing I Am Looking For in a Person.” To paraphrase him he said, “Their profession tells a lot about a person.” While I do think that there really are people in the world whose chosen profession truly is their “passion, ” I believe that the vast majority of nine-to-fivers are merely clocking in and out to obtain a paycheck, which provides them (and often their family) with food, shelter, clothing and Starbucks. It is what they do AFTER work or on weekends that often divulges their true gifts or talents. I would hate for someone to define me by my current part-time, administrative assistant position. (I am merely a single mom trying to keep the lights on and food on the table.) If you send me a nice profile with an appealing photo, I might meet you for coffee or dinner and let you know what my true passions and dreams are. You would never learn this by reading my resume! I have now stepped down off of my soap box…….
There were two winning profiles in this week’s stack, and without further ado, here they are:
The Runner-Up profile was from a guy who answered the question, “Additional Information I Want You to Know” with this answer: “I am better looking in the dark.” If I were looking for a bat, I might have sent him a little note, but I am looking for a GUY who looks good in the LIGHT!
Insert drumroll here……..The hands-down, number one winning profile this week came from a 56-year old gent who posted no photo AND listed his occupation as “unemployed.” THEN (I am not done), under “Five Things I Can’t Live Without,” his first answer was “My mother.” I am going to go out on a limb here and say that this guy does not stand a chance in hell of reeling in Ms. Right. To summarize, he has no picture, no job and an Oedipus Complex. My 13-year old son can get away with listing his mother as the number one thing he can’t live without because he is in the middle of puberty and doesn’t even drive. Also, he can’t even remember to brush his teeth without me
yelling reminding him 15 times, twice a day! “Mommy” should not be number one on your list when you are all grown up and past the half-century mark.
There you have it-another week in
paradise dating hell. I officially hit the “one-month mark” this week on February 2nd, which coincidentally is Groundhog Day. This can possibly mean six more weeks of cold and snow AND eleven more months of online dating. Thank God for my coat, snow shovel and this blog to get me through winter’s wrath and the profiles of old, single men!