My online dating service has hit a major brick wall. I  received a mere three matches this week-one lives eight hours away, one had no photo and an extremely short bio, and the last one was from my home state with a decent profile.  Obviously, my service is running out of options for me. Due to the gentle nudging of two people-a cousin and complete stranger-I reactivated my account with another online dating service. In the first four days, I have been contacted by a few men, and traded several emails with one guy in particular, which led to a phone call. So far, it has been less “creepy” than my previous experience, and the vast majority of profiles have been well-written. It has been suggested to me that men begin to finally mature around age 45. This is encouraging information. It may help me to remain faithful to my commitment to this process, and therefore, keep me off the ledge!

There were four days this week where I received no matches, so I ended up with only five choices. Needless to say, my soul mate was not among this week’s picks. There were two with no photos, and one of these summarized himself in just nine words. Under “Occupation,” there was a construction worker who spends his leisure time fishing and hunting (not a match for an animal-loving, vegetarian), a physician, and one gent who wrote, “Father, Student, Retired (Air Force).” My MOST favorite occupation came from a 46-year old, apparently successful guy.  He wrote, “President.” Since he was one of the two with missing photos, I immediately thought that President Obama was on eHarmony, but then I noticed that Washington D.C. was not his place of residence. Also, by all news accounts, Mr. Obama is happily married to Michelle. For J. from the Midwest, I believe a better title for his occupation might be “Executive.” It helps fifty-something, single women stay less confused!      

Since there were fewer profiles to read this week, I used the extra time to tweak my own profile a bit.  I had a family member read my bio as it has been posted for over three months now, and asked him to offer some constructive criticism from a male perspective. He did make a few suggestions, which I thought were valid, so I updated my answers in an effort to possibly have them resonate with more potential mates. I am also being strongly encouraged by a female family member to register with a second dating site. I am still on the fence about this suggestion. Her belief is that it would broaden my chances of finding someone. While she is most likely correct in her assumption, it would definitely provide more fodder for this blog. I am not sure I am up for more “fodder.” It can be exhausting at times to document all of the ridiculous and less-than-steller content of the fifty-something, male profile.

My dating service is really searching the far corners of the earth for my mate. (Well, maybe just the Midwest and East, but it sure does seem far!) Out of a total of 26 matches, only two were from my home state. I did email one guy who lives about five hours away. I received a reply from the dating service that he accepted my communication, but I have never received an actual communication from him. Oh, well. Here is a recap of my favorites responses this week:

Under “Occupation,” one guy wrote that he operates a nuclear power plant. You don’t see that everyday, plus I wonder if I actually saw him the dark, would he glow? Another fellow wrote, ” I provide a service that goes house to house.” My first thought was that he delivers milk, or is a Fuller Brush salesman, but then I realized that this isn’t the 60’s. After reading further along in his profile, he lets you know that he is a mail carrier. He also mentions that he is looking for a “girl that is loving and caring.” He is 54 years old and looking for a girl? That sounds kind of pedophile creepy.

Under “Things I Can’t Live Without,” there were some new and interesting answers: My Rav4, spell check, cashmere, cheesecake, protein powder, my tailor (who says that?) and greasy french fries. (This last one was written by a guy who tells you he is passionate about physical fitness. Exercise, maybe- proper nutrition, no.)

Under “Additional Information I Want You to Know,” one gent actually wrote, “I look 10 years younger than my age” (which is 55.) I flipped through a few photos of this Dick Clark wannabee, and I would have to disagree. Anyway, who would write that about themself? Another guy wants you to know, “I have all of my teeth.” I am happy to hear that you apparently brush and floss daily. It it what 9 out of 10 dentists recommend!

I did have my third somewhat odd character show up this week. In the very first section of his profile, under “The One Thing I Am Passionate About, ” he wrote, “I love the physics in the new bowling scene, angular momentum, coefficient of friction, speed vs. rpms, etc. WHAT? Or as Sarah Palin says, “WTF????” He goes on to tell you that he “Loves to bowl as much as his body can tolerate.” Under “Leisure Time,” he wrote, “Sex is the greatest activity when done right. Cuddling and watching TV are overrated.” Needless to say, I had to let this one get away. Hopefully, far away!

I am still recovering from knee surgery, and thus feeling less than attractive as I drag around my swollen limb. I have graduated from two crutches, to one crutch and now to a cane, and remain hopeful that this may be the week that I regain my normal gait. This really is my one true wish for now.

April 2nd marked the end of a three-month subscription to my online dating service. My account automatically renewed for an additional 90 days. My total financial investment thus far is $216.80. Other than the 13 posts to this blog, I have very little to show for this rather large outflow of cash. I take a moment to envision all of the new shoes and/or Spring clothes that could have been purchased with this money, or how it would come in handy in paying off my newly acquired medical bills. Oh well, you can’t put a price on searching the globe for love!

This week, 17 matches were sent to me. There were six profiles with no photos, a few bad spellers and at least two Harley dudes. On fellow, a former Army Sergeant Major, is looking for a “golf buddy.” Aren’t there hundreds of “golf buddies” at your local course? Another fellow hopes to meet someone who is “relatively low maintenance.” My answer to that is, “Aren’t we all?” Another gent, who I suspect may have been the victim of spousal cheating, is looking for someone “loyal and honest.” He goes on to say, “Besides, lying is a sin.” Ouch! I think his wound still stings. Another 57-year old bachelor was very upfront in letting potential mates know that he declared bankruptcy about four years ago. I’m not so sure I would share that kind of information in a profile. Some things just might need to be revealed down the road-like after a few dates.

Under the section, “Books I Have Read, ” one tall AND big guy (his words) shares that he is not an avid reader. He says, “I ask you not to hold that against me as I am a very intelligant man.” Smart? Maybe. A spelling bee champion? Probably not!

One forty-something guy from landlocked Toledo, Ohio wants you to know that he can’t live without, “The smell of ocean water.” I wonder how he is alive? I checked my map and there is no ocean water in northern Ohio. He is also looking for someone “exceptional.” That word sounds like a synonym for “perfect.” Good luck finding her. Under additional information I want you to know, he shares a laundry list of items:

“I have good credit. I do not go to bars, (which goes together with) I do not do drugs and I barely drink. I drive many new cars and collect vintage. I am humble. I am confident.” I felt like I was reading an elementary school essay where the assignment was to complete this sentence, ” I am ……….”

I must admit that I have been merely going through the motions these past few weeks in seeking a mate. It is hard to feel “attractive” when you are hobbling around on one crutch, dragging a lincoln log for a leg. I have lost nearly all of the muscle mass in my newly repaired extremity, and the rest of me feels flabby as well. This is what happens to a 50-year old body when you lay around all day with your leg propped up, staring at the spackled ceiling of your bedroom. I hope to be back on BOTH feet soon, able to successfully prowl for men.