This week was drama-filled, just like so many others this Spring. My five-year old hot water heater sprung a leak and had to be replaced. (I am pretty sure that in the not-so-distant past, major home appliances earned more mileage than a handful of years, but as the saying goes,” They sure don’t make ’em like they used to.”) My mom was also readmitted to the hospital, where she is being treated for a host of fairly challenging medical issues. It is a good thing that I had my online dating sites as a welcome distraction. (Did I just say “welcome?”). My theme this week is “out of my box.”

I do not believe that I have ever mentioned that I intended to go “outside of my box” while searching for a mate this time around. (My goal was to broaden my view without the confines of my invisible cardboard walls.) From a physical standpoint, I have ALWAYS been attracted to a very narrow sampling of men, which generally consisted of dark-haired gents with a certain lean/fit body type, and the occasional bodybuilder thrown in. (This does NOT include the physique of a once former Mr. Olympia, now America’s newest D.A.W.G.-Arnold Schwarenegger.) I am quickly learning that this portion of my approach is not likely to meet with success. When I am flipping through the photos that gents post with their profiles, I am repeatedly drawn to my tried and true type. I cannot help it! I am, however, having more success climbing outside of my box when it comes to flirting and initiating contact with men. I have never been a flirt in its truest sense, but am attempting to learn more about this harmless, rather fun ritual. (It is definitely easier to flirt on paper-think email-than it is in person, though I am working on perfecting both methods.) I am also emailing guys whose profiles I find attractive, knowing full well that my interest might not be reciprocated. I have emailed several guys and have had at least two write back who very kindly and politely informed me that for one reason or another we are not a match. I did not take this as rejection in any form, because I am fully aware that the universe knows who Mr. Right is, and it will be blatantly evident to me when he does show up. To repeat, as I said last week, I am just tryin’ on jeans, or as it goes in the male version of Cinderella, I am just going from guy to guy trying to determine whose foot fits into the glass slipper. (Okay, maybe not      a glass slipper, but a new pair of Nike’s that were left behind when his Ferrari morphed into a pumpkin!) With that said, it was kind of a fun-filled week in cyberspace. Here are a few of the highlights:

My favorite email chain began with a Swedish transplant who resides in my home state. (I am questioning whether he is really Swedish, because he is not blonde-a good thing for my “box issue”-and he has yet to mention anything about a love of meatballs-a good thing for my “vegetarian issue.”) Anyway, Sven (as I will refer to him for anonymity’s sake) asked me an interesting question in his very first email. He wanted to know if  I had a temper, since he rarely feels the need to yell. I responded by telling him that I do not believe that I have am prone to screaming outbursts, but I am a Leo and we can be feisty at times! We have moved our conversation off of the dating service site to a Google vs. Yahoo communication, but I had a small issue with the correct spelling of his address, so the conversation has lagged a bit over the past day or so. I am not sure that he is the ONE, but his broken english expressions and doting compliments are cute, sweet and entertaining, and at this early stage, that is about all that I need to hold my interest.

There were some memorable quotes and photos this week. Here are a few of my favorites:

“I enjoy a woman who can make a good meal.” To this I say, “Get your head out of the 1950’s and join us in the 21st century. June Cleaver is now the CEO of a major, Fortune 500 company, and she pays a man to cook for her!”

“I see the humor in things like Spongebob, and I have a pet snail named, “Gary.” This fellow might want to meet R. who posted a photo of himself with a LEGO house that he built. I had written a somewhat lengthy comeback for these two, but decided to refrain from passing any kind of judgement. They may not be for me, but they are hopefully a match for someone else.

After reading countless profiles written by aging, American males, I have noticed that when listing their top TV shows, many of them cite the sitcom, “Two and a Half Men,” as a favorite. (This was BEFORE Charlie Sheen had a split with reality, and the show temporarily went into limbo/reruns.) I am not surprised in the least that this particular program is a hit with the fellas. Charlie’s character (ironically named, “Charlie”) has to be the envy of men everywhere. He is a successful, confirmed bachelor with a high alcohol tolerance and a great ocean side home in Malibu, who regularly beds young, hot, voluptuous females without even the hint of an STD. I am pretty sure that Charlie’s life and lifestyle represent the equivalent of nirvana for the vast majority of living and breathing males over the age of sixteen.

And that is all she wrote-well almost! I will still attempt to stick a toe or two outside the comforts of my old familiar box to test the waters in unchartered territory, however, do not find fault with me if I end up sticking with the same old, same old. I really don’t think that we get to pick who we “click” with, be it in friendships or more intimate relationships. Some people pass through our lives briefly as acquaintances, and others are meant to have a more meaningful, longer lasting impact. I am grateful to have crossed paths with both.

The first half of this week was somewhat stressful and hectic. Over the weekend, my almost-85 year old mother was admitted to the hospital for a mild case of pneumonia AND a blood clot in her lung. (I took her to the ER on the Saturday before Mother’s Day, as she was experiencing difficulty breathing.) Needless to say, the day dedicated to moms was spent conferring with the hospital about her scans and lab work.  There was little room for celebration, but that can always be done on another day. As the work and school week quickly approached, one glance at the calendar reminded me that it is May and there is ALWAYS lots to do involving my son. Monday started off with an all-day tennis tournament, then saxophone lessons, then a one-and-a-half hour trombone concert. Tuesday and Wednesday brought more music-oriented, after school activities. In between work and chauffeuring, I headed to the hospital for a quick check on mom. Hump Day finally brought some good news. First, my mom got released to the skilled nursing facility where she lives for a few days of rehab designed to rebuild her strength and stamina. Secondly, this aging mom (me) got a flirtatious communication from a 40-year old Texas hottie on one of the dating sites. The week was definitely turning around! I am also grateful that I had an opportunity to read a lot of nicely written profiles. (I would not have had a lot of time to jot down the silly things guys say in their self-advertisements, anyway.) There are just a few quotes that made it into my notebook this week.

First, there were two interesting notations that had to do with occupation or income. One guy listed his income level at $150,000 plus. He was looking for a female that listed her salary range at $150,000 plus as well. My question is, are there really a lot of women out there earning those types of salaries, but more importantly, are they also on online dating websites?? They have the ability to skip all of the nonsense and frustration that goes along with this process because they have the means with which to BUY A MAN if they are so inclined. The second comment was embedded in a lengthy profile written by a local guy. His list of “wants” in his woman required that she be employed. I thought this was kind of funny, but valid. If women expect a potential match to have a job (and this woman does), men should be entitled to the same requirement. They must be ever-vigilant in sniffing out the gold digger, or worse yet, the bankrupt, shopaholic, who recently foreclosed on her home and is lookin’ for a place to crash.

My very favorite passage is re-written here in its exact form: “I tend to be attracted to guys who are more outgoing and more social than I am, but that has not always been the case.” I read this more than once, and ruled out a typo for the word “guys.” (The keys are too far apart for the accidental misspelling of  “gals” or “girls.”) I think this is a classic case of the Freudian Slip. As I have done before, I would refer this gent to the homosexual online dating service, “Homolicious.”

One cute, British gentleman was very specific in the type of female he is hoping to hook up with: ” I don’t want the skinny thing either…..and this is why I prefer the soft and curvy models rather than the ones with sharp corners.” I am pretty sure that at least in the United States he will be successful in landing a “soft and curvy model.” There aren’t too many anorexic, “sharp-cornered” gals running lose, especially at this age.

A rather self-condident dude painted the following description of himself: “I am a fabulous catch……and good-looking, too.” Isn’t it up to the interviewer (me) to determine if you are good-looking AND a great catch? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and fishermen are a the best judges of a “great catch!”

Late in the week, I received the following email from a hometown bachelor: “Just wanted to drop you a line to tell you I think that you are cute and a great “catch” for someone. I’m most likely a little lazy and laid back for you, but wish you the best in your search.” He is probably correct in assuming we would not be a match. First, I am 100% German, and therefore allergic to “lazy.” Secondly, my hyper, Energizer Bunny personality runs over “laid back” like a Mack truck. I did write him back, thanking him for the kind words. It was greatly appreciated. It is yet another affirmation that there really are nice guys out there!

In closing, I leave you with a newly conjured up perspective on the whole dating process-online or not. I came up with a women-friendly analogy that looking for a mate is kind of like trying on jeans in a department store. (This could also work for swimwear, depending on the time of year.) You can try on a hundred pairs of jeans before you find the ONE pair that fits your waist, hips and butt, and DOESN’T MAKE YOU LOOK FAT! The mountain of discarded jeans strewn (in frustration) on the floor do not take it personally that you aren’t a match. They realize that someday, a gal will stroll in, choose them off the rack, and after a trip to the fitting room, will take THEM home! Good luck to all you jeans guys and gals out there searching for the perfect fit.

It was a rather quiet week, which is always welcome as far as weird and wacky profiles is concerned. My original dating site provided only seven matches, and several of those had either no photo and/or very short profiles. Here is a recap of my favorite matches:

One guy from my home state had four red flags in his profile: 1. No mention of family (Okay, perhaps you never reproduced yourself, but what about parents, siblings, cousins?) 2. Neither spiritual nor religious (You gotta pick one, or people,like me,will think you are a non-believer) 3. Retired attorney (I am not  particularly fond of lawyers-they are part of what is wrong with the world.) 4. No photo with a brief bio (More about photos later……)

My favorite occupation of the week was from D. in a neighboring state. He listed “Procurement” as his profession. Now, I had a relatively good idea about what “procurement” meant, but I looked it up anyway. Imagine my surprise when I read definition #2 in my Webster’s New World Dictionary: “to obtain women for the purpose of prostitution.” It appears that D. is a pimp, and he is online looking for women. He also wants you to know that “When I am in a relationship, I expect it to be monogamous.” (FYI…When words such as “honest, trustworthy, faithful, monogamous” appear in a profile, it is generally a good indicator that this individual was betrayed by a spouse or significant other.) Apparently, D. had previously been hooked up with Mrs.D., who turned out to be a D-A-W-G. I hope his ventures in “procurement” secure him a relationship with a non-cheating female.

From my second dating site, come a few great quotes embedded in the often lengthy dissertations I spoke about last week. One guy wants you to know that “I catch spiders and toss them outside.” Now, I had to smile when I read this, because I too, have been known to catch a tiny spider and release it back into the wild (okay, my front yard.) The difference between me and this gent is that I would not include this information in a profile that I was writing in an effort to attract members of the opposite sex. I would save my little idiosyncrasies for a later date-much later!

Another 58-year old gent had several interesting comments in his lengthy bio.  Here are my favorite peeks into his psyche:

1. “I know that I can be a piece of work at times.” (A painting by Van Gogh should be a “piece of work,” NOT a potential mate.)

2. “I am kind of a Boy Scout with an edge.” (What does that mean? Is he a pubescent, pimply teenage boy that has a knife and knows how to use it?)

3. “I open doors, hold chairs and even put the seat down afterwards.” (Okay, I was with you with the gentleman stuff, but did not need to know about your bathroom etiquette.)

4. “I’m not perfect, nor an angel, don’t claim to be.” (I figured that out with number one-“I am a piece of work.”)

5. “Not interested in one night stands.” (At the age of 58, I seriously doubt that he can “entertain” a female for an entire night, even if it is just one. But hey, with the invention of Viagra, you just never know…..)

I am still developing a teaching plan for my profile writing class, and one guy this week reminded me of material that I must include. I was emailed by a 52-year old match who lives in my city. He had at least three red flags that were apparent early on. First potential red flag: He states that he has been single for quite some time, which always perks up my ears, because it has been my experience that men do not stay single very long. His reasoning for the extended bachelorhood was valid, because like me, he has focused his time and energy raising his two kids. Fair enough. Second red flag: His profile had four pictures on it, which showed him with two small children. In an email, he told me that his kids were 14 and 17. (His profile said that they were 11 and 14.) Two problems here. He is advertising himself on an online dating site with a profile that was written at least three years ago, and with photos that are probably at least 12 years old. Really? I can assure you that I do NOT look the same as I did 12 years ago. (I had far fewer wrinkles, and my neck did not look like it belonged to a chicken!) So here it is guys. Please, occasionally read and update your profile, and by all means, post photos that are current. I know that most people (with the exception of “players” and narcissists) generally do not like to be photographed and then have them displayed on the internet, but it is part of the deal when looking for love. If I can post current photos, so can you. Play fair! Third and final BRIGHT RED flag: He closed an email to me with this sentence, “Please write back soon.” Sorry, but that phrase has a strong hint of desperation to it, which is a little unsettling to me, to say the least. A better way to express interest would be to say, “Hope to hear from you soon so we can continue the dialog.” Needless to say, I did NOT write back. He was waving way too many flags for me!

As always, thanks for reading this week. Happy Mother’s day to all you moms! Hope your guy is good to you today (and always.)

My workload has increased significantly, as I try to manage an additional dating site.  It is a good thing that the original site has all but dried up. They did send me 12 matches, but there were a several short profiles, and the rest supplied little fodder.  (Though do not worry-there is some. There always is.) I am becoming more keenly aware with the passing of each week, that my mission this year is four-fold.  First, as my cousin and I declared on January 1st, it is the Year of the Man. This basically means that we are hoping to find one-a good one. Secondly, I have used online dating as a means to write more, which I have. Thirdly, maybe, just maybe, I can translate all of this wonderful material into a book that actually gets published.  (This one is a stretch, but it is worth wishing for.) And lastly, it has become increasingly obvious to me that I must develop some kind of course for these poor, aging guys who appear to be having great difficulty in crafting a decent bio of themselves.  Below are the reasons why number four is crucial.

I actually hate to even pick on this particular 57-year-old man, as he is a widower and talks very positively about his deceased wife. (He mentions that he is thankful for the time he had together with her. Very sweet!) The only “mistake” that he made in his profile is under the category, “What are you looking for?”  He wrote this: “smart intellegent funny.” (It was written just like that.) I think that “smart” and “intelligent” are basically the same thing, so he should have just written “smart,” which was spelled correctly.

Under the category, “I Can’t Live Without,” these are my top picks for this week, rewritten in their original form: Gatorade, my bratchild (daughter), my electronic leash (phone), sensuous sex with a committed partner (at least he is looking for a commitment and not a prostitute), happyness.

There were two favorite photos this week.  The first, taken on a golf course, was of four men dressed in blue “grass skirts.” I could not tell exactly which of the four was the guy “lookin for love,” as none of the them looked like the primary photo of my match. Maybe he just liked this photo and stuck it on there? The second photo, taken in a kitchen, was definitely staged. It had the guy leaning against the counter, “reading” a cookbook.” I give him an “A” for creativity, though, perhaps a better photo might have actually shown him slaving over a stove. I absolutely dig a guy who can read, but a real catch is one who actually can cook.

The second dating site that I am enrolled in has a different setup for profiles. Basically, you write a paragraph about yourself that might include personal information, a list of what you are looking for, and your interests and hobbies. What I have found with this approach is that some guys do not limit themselves to a paragraph. They actually write an entire dissertation. I have actually found myself nodding off about halfway through some of them. (Now to be fair, I have experienced a certain amount of sleep deprivation these past two weeks, as the city I live in has been under attack by weather! These attacks occur anywhere between 1:00 AM and 5:00 AM, making it difficult to actually stay asleep, especially when the tornado sirens are going off. Please forgive me as I once again bitch complain about our weather!) Here are a few quotes from some of the bios. (They were so entertaining, I was able to stay awake and document them in their original form.)

“I have my original head of hair as well as set of teeth…..The only things in my life that I have been truly been scared of are snakes and my 4th grade teacher.” To him I say “thank you” for letting me know that you are not wearing a wig or dentures, however, I need a guy who is NOT afraid of snakes just in case one takes up residence in my backyard!

“I have to have a great sense of humor with my last name being Pancake.” There are two recommendations for this guy. First, I don’t think it is good idea to include your last name on a dating site that lists your city and state. If some crazy, stalker chick was trying to find you, I am pretty sure there aren’t too many “Pancakes” in your local phone directory. Secondly, I would look into changing my last name to “Cupcake” instead. It has a sweeter, cuter ring to it.

“I may not be the match you are looking for, but I am definitely unlike anyone else you have met before. It will be the rare and unique woman that matches with me.”  I have just two words for this guy: GOOD LUCK!

“If you’re looking for money, keep on looking.” I actually agree with this one. I am sure that men have to be vigilant in weeding out the “Gold Diggers.” It can’t be easy!

“If you are in search of a six-pack abs, metro sexual guy that wants to get a pedicure and manicure each time you go, please move onto the next profile.” This one actually had me thinking. First, are there really women out there looking for metro sexuals? I cannot imagine that particular male archetype ranking high on a woman’s radar as she sets out in search of Mr. Right. Secondly, do women actually invite their men along for mani’s and pedi’s? Usually, this type of spa time is best enjoyed solo, as in quality “me time.” Why would a woman want to drag her fella along? And, more importantly, who wants a guy with painted nails or a french manicure?

This next quote was written by a guy who is a grain farmer. (I felt that he was deserving of an introduction.) He says, “It is of absolute importance that you like John Deere.” Now, I am intelligent enough to know that he is probably referring to some type of farm equipment made by John Deere, the company. However, if a woman not familiar with lawn or farm equipment were to read this, she might interpret his quote as a reference to a “threesome-” her, farmer dude, AND his friend, John D. This quote might warrant further clarification.

My hands down favorite quote of the week came from a guy who mentions that he likes portraying different characters. (A second match that just might be displaying signs of Multiple Personality Disorder.) He said the following: “If we end up sleeping together, you just might wake up next to Jimmy Stewart.” This COMPLETELY CREEPED ME OUT BECAUSE JIMMY STEWART IS DEAD!

So there you have it. Don’t you agree that I just might need to begin devoting some time to developing a profile writing course for men? I think that it could be a lucrative business. See you next week!