Online Dating-Week 42 THE END

It is October 23, 2011 and this is the final posting of my online dating journal. I began this virtual journey on January 2nd, 2011, my second attempt at this modern method of searching for a mate, and officially ended it on October 19th. I am amazed that I lasted nearly 10 months as an online dating subscriber, but am not at all surprised that I failed to find my mate in cyberspace. I do not think that a few photos coupled with a brief bio truly captures who I am, or really anyone else for that matter. I have always found myself to be less than photogenic, and even though I can spell and string a sentence or two together, a few carefully written paragraphs cannot fully convey who I am and how I came to be the Joan that exists today. We are human beings comprised of energy and light. You cannot feel or experience the essence of another through a computer screen. A face-to-face encounter, divinely arranged, is the method that I believe will result in the meeting of my next, and hopefully final mate. I have learned SO MUCH these past 10 months, and do not regret one minute (or dollar) that I have invested in this process. I have met some interesting men, and acquired some much-needed practice in the dating ritual.

I have recently told a few people that 2011 looks like it will close as my best year of the past thirteen. I have been blessed with the ability to do some things for myself, such as join two writing groups and rekindle my relationship with hospice volunteering. Through these ventures and others, I am constantly meeting new people with whom I feel a kindred spirit connection. I believe that at least one or two will become long-time friendships. I will continue to embrace where I am, and will try to live by the mantra, “Let go, let God.” I know that she will continue to guide me in my journey. All I have to do is remain present and keep my eyes open to what is in front of me. I know that the possibilities for joy, happiness and contentment are endless.

THANKS  SO MUCH for reading along and supporting me this year as I shared with you my attempt to move forward with my life. I have worked tirelessly and diligently at integrating all of the lessons that were presented to me in the past decade. It has been a long and painful journey at times, but as they say, “That which doesn’t kill us, only makes us stronger.” I promise that I will be back with updates, because I am certain that there will be more stories to be told, along with a true final chapter, entitled “Found Mr. Right!”

As always, I wish you well in your own journey. May you find the strength and perseverance you need to weather your own storms, or at least, the cloudy days, and embrace all of the good that comes your way. As one of my bosses likes to say, “Love ya, mean it!”

Online Dating-Week 41

After nine months as an online dating subscriber, I have FINALLY figured out how to attract more potential mates.  First, inform your site that you will not be renewing your membership. Then announce to the universe via your blog that you are done with online dating.  Wait about three hours and watch the emails and flirtatious communications roll in.  I have been contacted by no less than six men this week-a personal record for me.  One fella, who I am still corresponding with, emailed me the same day that I made my announcement. I have traded a few emails with another interesting guy, and we will be speaking by phone this evening. I did have to channel my inner JLTGL radar on one local guy. He is one of the flirtatious communicators, and had a similar method of “cutting to the chase” that the last JLTGL used. Warning sirens and flashing lights were going off all around me. I both saw and heard them loudly and clearly. Not going down THAT road again. Learned. My. Lesson. In between reading and answering emails, I did manage to skim through several profiles this week.  Here are a few favorite excerpts:

One guy used the following as his tag line: “Lookingforwar591.” I thought online dating sites were for people “looking for love?” He must be confused. Maybe he was trying to Google one of those Civil War Reenactment websites and accidentally stumbled onto a dating site?  I’ll bet he wonders why there are so many women soldiers being sent his way!

Another 67-year old local guy used his age range to sneak in what he is REALLY looking for. He is seeking women aged 50-69. Normally, I would applaud him for willingness to date women older than himself, but not this time. He should have just rounded up to 70. Then, he would have gotten a gold star.

One “NiceCleanFitGuy” (his tag line) wrote the following in his profile: “Hi, tired of creeps? Want a guy who is not interested in a booty call? A guy who has a stable career and good insurance?” I kind of like this guy. Who isn’t attracted to a nice, clean, fit guy-especially one with a good job and health insurance? Also, he has obviously heard about the creepy, JLTGL guys that are swarming all over this site, and wants you to know up front that he is NOT one of THEM. His use of the term “booty” also reminds me of the hip hop music that I love, along with KC and the Sunshine Band’s rendition of “Shake Your Booty.” Too bad I did not feel a physical connection to his photos.  Oh well, it has been a week of “so many men, so little time….”

Another 53-year old from a town nearby wants his potential matches to know that he “will try anything as long as it is mostly legal and doesn’t hurt anyone. NO SKY DIVING!” I am with him on the no sky diving policy and his belief that we should not harm one another. ( I would also toss in “animals” as something I would not want to hurt either.) I am curious as to what he considers “mostly legal?” Is there truly a gray area when it comes to things to do which are acceptable and within society’s laws and things that will get you tossed in jail? Anyway, he also wrote “I believe in God. He flys my plane.” Personally, I think we all come here with free will, which actually makes God a co-pilot and not the actual pilot. I believe that she is there to take over should you fall asleep at the wheel of your life, or become lost and require help getting back on the correct flight plan. I have witnessed this first hand!

That is just about it for this week. I must get back to the mundane chores and tasks that have consumed the majority of my day. (This was a welcome distraction from laundry and yard work.) I’ve also got to get mentally ready for my phone call. I am hopeful that all of my previous practice runs have prepared me well for my latest encounter with a potential mate. I really like him on paper.  I will leave you with yet another great mantra to add to your list. “I look through life’s windshield and not the rearview mirror.” Pretty cool, right? Here’s a tip: Make sure that you have used a little Windex on the glass to insure that you truly SEE what is right in front of you.

Online Dating-Week 40

It was a quiet week for me (contact wise), but the guys were out in full force.  Here are my picks of the week:

One 55-year old from my home state answered the question, “What I like to do?” with this three-word statement: Golf, golf, golf! WOW! I think he really digs golf!

A younger guy (age 46) from a neighboring state wrote the following about his favorite TV shows: “I like the Big Bang Therory. (It is funny how smart people are so dumb.)” I agree that sometimes the uber intelligent lack a certain degree of common sense, but I am pretty sure that they know how to spell the word “theory.”

Another grammatically incorrect 54-year old wrote the following as his entire profile: “I just want to have fun camping riding dancing any thing to do with having fun lets get the ball rolling what is this English class well I will just keep on typing Im sure you are going to be worth it….” For the record, the dating site is NOT synonymous with English class, and it appears that perhaps this fella might benefit from a refresher course-especially one focused on capitalization, punctuation, and sentence structure.

A 55-year old local guy was “singled out just for me:” The first line of his profile begins with “Looking for a lady who likes to camp.” He also shares that he is fine with “cig smokers.” Included in his photo album were pictures of a camper, pick-up truck and tractor trailer. I am not exactly sure how he was selected as my match of the day? I hate camping and am not okay with “cig smokers.” Also, I prefer small cars as my method of transportation.

The photo of the week captures a potential mate lying sideways across a bed talking on a cell phone. Huh? At least he actually took the time to make the bed before saying “cheese.”

As I mentioned last week, October began my ninth month as an online dating participant. My subscription is up for renewal on 10/19. After giving it lots of thought, I have decided that I will not to continue with this form of a “search” for a mate.  I contemplated hanging on until January 1st so that I could say that I committed one full year to this process, but I truly believe it has run its course. I will continue to write this weekly post until my subscription officially expires, and then will gracefully (and gratefully) exit the online dating world. Thanks for reading, and have a great week!

Online Dating-Week 39

Welcome to October and the beginning of my ninth month as an online dating subscriber. I could have birthed a baby in the time I have spent reading the profiles of aging American men. I am glad that I don’t have a baby (WAY to old for that), but wish I could find the right guy! I did receive two flirtatious communications again this week, but once again, felt no connection to their profile. I should probably share with you an interesting observation I have made in my time on my current dating site. There are three ways to start a conversation with a potential match-email, a flirtatious communication (I don’t share the real word for this as I try to keep all of this as anonymous as possible) or a phone call. I have always assumed that men sometimes choose the “flirting method” if they just want to let you know that they are interested without actually writing you an email.(They just kind of “feel you out” to see if you are available.) I have received several of these over the past months, and have responded with an email or a “flirt” back if I am interested. Funny thing. Many times, when I write back, either their profile is blocked OR they never respond! WHAT IS UP WITH THAT????? It makes me believe that all of this is just a big game for some of these “supposed singles looking for love.” Hopefully, this gives you more insight into why I often find this entire process exhausting and ridiculous.

This week’s profiles did contain a few great quotes and one winning photo. Here they are:

One 52-year old from a neighboring town to the north had this as his opening line: “I like to think of myself as a great guy that you can take home to your parents.” Now, I understand exactly what he means by this statement, however, the problem is that many of us with fifty-plus candles on our cake no longer have parents who are living. In my case, my mom is still with us, but my dad has been gone for 15 years. I think a better line is , “I like to think of myself as a great guy that you can take home to your kid(s).” This is a far better test. Any match of mine will also have to be a great match for my son!

Another local guy wrote “……life is short so I like making the best of those moments with an occasional food or pillow fight.” A food fight sounds a little messy and reminiscent of college and “Animal House.” A pillow fight reminds me of something I did with my sibling at bedtime or with friends at a sleepover. These are not activities I have engaged in with a mate. The slogan, “Make love not war” seems a more fitting activity for a couple, don’t you agree?

One fella from a state to the south mentions that he likes “cars, trains, planes, boats/ships…..hey, I’m a guy!” I think I just might update my profile with the following sentence: “I like shopping, clothes, shoes, jewelery, chocolate and flowers…..hey, I’m a girl!

My favorite photo was posted by a grown man from a neighboring town. He is lying on his stomach on an unmade bed holding a teddy bear. He is 52 years old. Is it just me or is this kind of weird?

This concludes my summary of this week’s profiles. I would like to leave you with a quote I read in an email earlier this week. “God doesn’t give you the people you want; He gives you the people you NEED……to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be. I hope this serves as a reminder that every person we cross paths with serves a purpose. There are no “accidental encounters.” I thank you for reading, and am grateful that our paths have crossed! I fully understand that it is part of a master plan……..

Online Dating-Week 38

It remained relatively quiet in my world of online dating this week. I did receive two flirtatious communications from men that I was not interested in. The first was a same-aged guy from a neighboring town who must have been doing some photo shopping since our profiles had nothing in common. The second flirt was a 61-year old seeking women 40-55. Do the math. His mate can be 21 years his junior on the low-end and six years younger on the high-end. REALLY? If you could see his photo, I am sure that you would agree that he is smokin’ something! There were only two profiles that are worthy of commentary from me:

One 56-year old, never married fella said the following. “I have been blessed with a great job, wonderful friends and good health. So why am I single? I did let a few precious women get away. My bad.” I am going to offer up a guess as to why a few good women escaped. It would most likely be due to the fact that Mr. Afraid-of-Commitment never coughed up a ring and the promise of happily-ever-after. His “precious ladies” moved on and are most likely enjoying wedded bliss with guys who weren’t afraid to take the plunge.

A 49-year old from my home state listed the following as “things he likes to do”: 4 wheeling, fishing, primitive hunting, rock hunting, flintknapping, and chillin’ with friends. His hot spots include “the farm, the lake and the woods.” First of all, Mr Caveman would NEVER be a match for an animal-loving vegetarian. Secondly, I am so far removed from his interests, that I had to look up “flintknapping,” as I am pretty sure that I have never heard that term before. Flintknapping is the process of making stone tools. Apparently, this is somewhat of a lost art, as most men (and women) purchase their tools at Home Depot or Lowe’s.

And those my friends are a few of my “matches” this week.  I wonder what algorithms my dating site uses to pair me up with potential mates? I would have to say that it is about as good at math as I am, and that is not saying much! Just ask my son. I have been unable to offer him much assistance with his math homework since he progressed past the fourth grade. Sad but true! Tune in next week as the calendar flips to October. I am sure to offer up some scary tales (or at least scary profiles) that are sure to get you in the mood for Halloween!

Online Dating-Week 37

I will warn you from the start. This just might be my shortest and most boring post in the thirty-seven weeks I have been blogging about online dating. I did read a fairly normal amount of profiles, but for the most part, the guys behaved. I received ZERO communications this week, which leads me to believe that my scare tactic for the JLTGL’s did serve its intended purpose. If you want to eliminate unnecessary emails and flirtatious nods from the players, just mention that you are looking for a serious, committed relationship, and they disappear. Just. Like. That. I did decide to tone down the “serious” nature of my profile, so it will be interesting to see if my communications increase this next week. I think I have a better handle on spotting the JLTGL’s, and so have a lesser chance of becoming prey to one again. I have learned valuable lessons from each and every encounter I have had on these sites, so none of it is considered wasted time. If nothing else, it serves as practice for the “real thing.”

Here are a few memorable snippets from the boy/men this week:

One 51-year old local guy invested very little time on his profile. His opening line says that he is “easy on the eyes,” which I found amusing since he posted no photo. If you are that good-looking, wouldn’t you want everyone to see? Under the heading, “What I Like To Do,” he wrote “Baseball.” I took a Pasadena on this one. Could you guess?

One 48-year old funny fella from my home state wrote the following: “Nothing scares me except the guys that dress up in drag on this site.” LOL! It seems that the men deal with their own form of “creepy/weird” on their end as well. I found this both hilarious and comforting at the same time. I bet that some of the drag queens are quite attractive, and that just maybe, a few men fall prey to them. This would be payback for us ladies who are targets of the JLTGL’s. What goes around comes around as the saying goes….

And last but not least, one attractive 53-year old from my hood posted two casual, close-up photos of himself. He is seated on the end of an unmade bed in what I would assume is his bedroom. This just might be a subliminal tactic of the JLTGL. Draft a fairly normal and nice profile that says all of the “right” things, but post photos that truly reveal your intentions. FYI guys-the kitchen is a better choice of rooms for a photo shoot. It gives the ladies the impression that you just might know how to cook!

I hope you managed to stay awake for the duration of this post. Hopefully, next week, the guys will step it up. Also, I will continue to collect more data about the motives of the 50-something bachelor. I am aware, however, that I may never fully understand the mind of the American male. That is okay. I only need to find the ONE mind that is right for me.

Online Dating-Week 36

A correction and an update from last week are in order as I begin to recap yet another chapter in my online dating saga. First, I made reference to “rap” music in week 35, and included some favorite artists of mine. A much younger, new friend of mine informed me that the type of music I referred to is actually “hip hop” and not rap. Oops! Obviously, this old broad doesn’t even know the correct genre of music she downloads and listens to. I consider myself informed and up-to-date. Thank you, Mr. P.

Secondly, I shared with you the prevalence of JLTGL’s prowling about online, and my first real encounter with one. (If you missed last week’s post, JLTGL is an acronym I created for the “Just Looking To Get Laid” guys.)  This prompted me to update my profile stating the nature of my intentions-namely that I am looking for true love and companionship, not a one night stand or friends-with-benefits. I generally receive (in a week’s time), at least one or two emails and/or the same number of flirtatious nods from potential matches. Since updating my bio with my very clear intentions, this number (while small to begin with), has significantly dropped off. In fact, just yesterday, I received my one and only communication this week. If I had approached the writing of my new profile from an experimental standpoint, I might just conclude that online dating sites contain an astonishingly high number of JLTGL’s. (I think I have known this all along, and had been warned of such before ever signing up.)  These unscientific test results do not deter me from my goal. I just remind myself that this is merely one avenue for meeting single men, and that its more effective purpose is to merely announce to the universe that I am ready to find and settle down with that one perfect person for me. If my newly revised profile weeds out the JLTGL’s who choose to go prowling elsewhere, then this is good news. No more wasting time with someone who does not share my same intentions. Take your bottle of Viagra and go. Far. Far. Away.

With that said, allow me to list a few quotes from the profiles of the JLTGL’s. (I am really learning how to spot them.) One slightly chubby 51-year old from a neighboring state said the following in his rather brief profile: “Why so serious? Just have fun and be naughty.” He wrote an additional five sentences, and then repeated himself with, “Looking for a lady that can be a little naughty when the need arises!” This guy is rather blunt and tacky in his search for sex-a rather upfront, in-your-face approach of the JLTGL’s.

Another, more wishy-washy tactic is one exemplified in the profile of a 46-year old from my home state. He is looking for an attractive, sexy woman “that is interested in friendship that would develop into something serious…..or not.” He might go either way. He, quite possibly, is open to finding his soulmate, OR if not, will just take the booty and run.

A third tactic of the playa is the “Let the ladies know that you are rich, successful, powerful or ALL of the above.” One 61-year old from a town nearby uses the handle, ” Johnnywelloff,” and opens his bio with the line, “I’m a successful business owner, living alone and have my own high-end condo.” John clearly directs his intentions towards the female equivalent of the JLTGL’s, which is the Gold Digger. This is a match made in heaven for these folks, as he gets his manly desires fulfilled and she gets to go shopping with his credit card!

Finally (you say), I move on from the seedy world of the prowler and onto the less shallow, yet still amusing scribblings of the aging male bachelor. One guy wrote the following sentence, “Lowe’s and the grocery store are my stores of choice.” He could be a match for me for two reasons. First, I also prefer Lowe’s to Home Depot in the big box, hardware store market. Secondly, I do NOT consider the grocery store my first choice of favorite places to shop, namely because they don’t sell clothes or shoes, and I somewhat detest the chore of weekly food shopping. If I hook up with this guy, I might be able to get him to undertake this boring, yet necessary ritual, allowing me more time to shop at MY favorite stores, TJ Maxx and Steinmart!

“Big Charley”, a six-foot, two-inch 50-year old from yet another neighboring state wrote, “i love to be held.” First of all, a guy with the name “Big Charley” should use a BIG “I” when referring to himself. Little “i’s” are for those fellas who are shorter in stature and leaner in body type. Secondly, I find the task of “holding” Charles a bit frightening. I can just feel a hernia coming on!

Lastly, one clever gent included the following analogy in his profile: ” Shoes are like relationships…..they either look and feel great, or they hurt and leave marks.” LOVE IT, especially, since he mentions shoes. And by the way ladies AND gents, if you are in a relationship that hurts or leaves marks, GET THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW!

This concludes the entertainment portion of a peek into Joan’s life. My goal (always) is to make you laugh, or at the very least- smile. Remember to take a moment today to reflect on the 10-year anniversary of the attack on our nation, and to do what is within your power to make this a better world. Peace, love and rock-n-roll! (Notice how I left out “rap!”)

Online Dating-Week 35

Here we are-Week 35 and the beginning of my eighth month as a subscriber to an online dating site. Even I could not predict that I would last this long. (My first attempt at this lasted a mere two months.) I do believe that this blog has assisted with my commitment to this process. I have not written this much IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, and for that I am grateful. I did manage to read more profiles than in past weeks, so here is my recap:

I did receive one email and one flirtatious comment from interested fellas, but chose not to respond to either one. I think they both were “window shoppers.” ( I spoke about such bachelors in last week’s post.) Our profiles did not really have anything in common, and one guy’s profile contained the silly age parameters that I so often speak about. He is a 50-year old local chap who is looking for women aged 40-45. He wrote a sort of rambling email, where he mentioned his divorce, two daughters, occupation, and other things I frankly don’t remember. He told me that I need to change the “5” in my age to a “3” since he believes that I don’t look as old as the number of candles on my cake. Hey, flattery USUALLY gets you everything, but not in this case. I do, however, wish him well in his search.

The 58-year old flirt did have a good age range for females (46-60), but he used the word “attractive” in his profile. Just like spelling and grammar, I often harp on the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Tell me that you are a good person, loyal, faithful, honest, hard-working, fun-loving, monogamous, a giver, financially secure, in good health, etc., but do NOT tell me that you are attractive. I can figure out that on my own, and it is about SO much more than looks! See, climbing out of her box is helping Joan realize that physical appearance is only the housing for the whole package.

One 53-year old Don Juan wants his matches to know that he has the “libido of a 21-year old, but is NOT on here for sex.” I will go out on a limb here and say that he could be a spokesperson for Viagra. Apparently, the little pills are working! Also, it is refreshing to learn that there is at least one guy on my site who isn’t JLTGL (Just Looking To Get Laid.) I have heard about the JLTGL’s, and did cross paths with one recently. This prompted me to update my own profile with this line: “If you are looking to casually date women, I am probably not the one for you. I am looking for a long-term, committed relationship, hopefully my last one.”   It is my intention to no longer become a blip on the JLTGL’s radar!

At least three of my matches had funny self-descriptions in their profiles. I will list them in no particular order, and hopefully, you will find them just as amusing as I did. The first said, “I do have all my own teeth and I wear shoes even though I am from (insert name of a southern state.) I have never been arrested. My date had better have a sense of humor also.”

The second one said, “I am not big on the camping thing, but would enjoy boating or maybe even fishing as long as it is not dirty or smells bad.” Here is my take on this. I have been fishing once or twice in my pre-vegetarian life and it is ALWAYS dirty (think slippery, slimy worms as bait) and it ALWAYS smells bad. Stick with boating. It is usually just a drunken way to stay cool and get wet!

The third comedian wannabe said, “I do have all the basics-don’t live with mom, have my own place, car, job, brush my teeth, etc.” Sure he sounds good and stable but is he a “JLTGL?????” That answer should be included with the “basics.” I’m just sayin!

Two of my potential matches had a deal breaker in their list of “favorite things.” They both named their favorite types of music and then said, “No rap allowed,” or “Absolutely no rap in the car or at home.” Dang! I actually enjoy some rap, and often have it turned up REAL loud in my car where I sing and dance (while driving….) I think I might just experience symptoms of withdrawal if Flo Rida, Pit Bull, Usher and others were named a forbidden substance. How else can I get my gangsta on????

And, last but not least, I do have a winner in the “favorite photo” category. One quite cute, 48-year old, home state dude took a photo of himself in the bathroom mirror. (Apparently, he did not read an earlier post of mine nixing this practice.) In the background of the photo, I could plainly see a photo of a pin-up girl, nicely framed and hanging on the wall. WTF???? Well, That is Fantastic (and a bit weird for a middle-aged guy.) That type of photo seems more appropriate as wall art in the bedroom of a teen-aged, pimple-faced boy who just happens to be one big raging hormone!

Well, that is a wrap of Week 35. It is the last official weekend of summer, even though technically the season is still with us for a few more weeks. I hope your summer was a good one. I am looking forward to wearing jeans and jackets, and having the windows of my home wide open. I can just taste the cool, crispness of Fall.  Bring it on!

Online Dating-Week 34

It was a relatively quiet week in cyber dating land, if you dismiss the fact that I was “dumped” in a text by a guy that I had been talking to/quasi dating. (I use the term “dumped” loosely, as this was not a long-term, serious relationship of any kind.) I am perfectly fine with this ending, as I was still trying to determine if I was physically attracted to him (he was WAY outside the box), and it was becoming clear that we were looking for two different things at this particular moment in time. I absolutely did NOT take it personally, and felt like a teenaged girl getting ditched in such an impersonal yet hip way. Welcome to the 21st century! What a girl has to realize is that he was NOT the one, and she needs to move on and clear the path for the right one to come in. Enough said.

I probably read about 15 profiles this week, and I must admit that the guys did a fairly decent job with their bios. One guy with an intact sense of humor wrote, “I have all my own hair and teeth, and learned the hard way that plaids and stripes don’t go together. I am partially domesticated, which is quite rare for my species.” I like my men domesticated-just like my dogs. He could be a keeper!

Another guy leans towards being my soulmate as he listed “Ovaltine” as one of his favorite things. In college, I was introduced to the chocolate version of this old-time beverage. I have been drinking it every morning since. Some folks prefer coffee as a morning pick-me-up. I choose to start my day with sugar and chocolate and a little milk (read: protein) mixed in.

This past week, my mom was shopping for cooking oil at a local fruit market. An attractive, older gentleman was also stocking up on this pantry basic. My mom made the comment that she was looking for a small bottle that would not go rancid, to which the man said, “I usually select a bottle based on its appearance, the same way I picked my last two ex-wives!” It just goes to show you that men are visual beings. It doesn’t matter if they are shopping for groceries or wives. The package is what gets their attention. I see this all the time with men who have nothing in common with me (ie: they obviously did not read my profile), but liked what they saw in my photos and elect to contact me. Again, while a physical attraction is certainly important, it cannot sustain a relationship. Food for thought guys!

On a much lighter note, I would like to share a story with you from this past week. It really has nothing to do with online dating other than the fact that it is about two single, 50-something females and a hottie cop. My co-worker and I were on our way to a concert in our hometown. We were diligently following crappy directions that had been downloaded off of Mapquest. The directions omitted an important turn, which left us heading the wrong way. We turned around and were headed in the direction we felt would get us to our destination. My co-worker, the driver, decided to type our location into her phone (while driving) in an effort to get us back on track. A city police officer pulled up beside us, peered into the car and then proceeded on. We pulled into a gas station to read the newly downloaded directions, and then pulled back onto the road where we were stopped at a traffic light. The same policeman pulled up next to us, rolled down his window and asked if we were alright. My attractive, blond co-worker responded in her best southern drawl, “No, we are not okay. We are supposed to be at a concert, and now we are lost.” The officer told us to stay put while he turned around and would personally escort us the rest of the way. Being the obedient citizens that we are, we did exactly as told. We followed him through the winding neighborhood roads as he lead us within a mile or so of our destination. We followed him into another filling station where he got out of the car (this is where we got to see all of his “hotness” up close and personal), and told us to just follow the road down the hill to our final destination. He admitted that he had been concerned that blondie was having a medical emergency. Wrong! The only emergency in our car was that two older chicks were confused and disoriented and were texting and driving. Again, like I mentioned earlier,  it is a sign of our times. Thanks to our run in with a good cop, we arrived at the concert in time to grab a marguerita, find our seats and sing and dance for two plus hours. Lest you think I have crafted this story as an enhancement to an otherwise boring post, I have included a photo as proof. Thanks for reading, and may I suggest that you go out and find your own police story this week-preferably one that does not result in any jail time. It makes for interesting fodder for a blog, just like good-bye texts!

Online Dating-Week 33

I celebrated my 51st birthday this week. It arrived with much less fanfare than the big event of 2010, but I did receive some really great cards with kind words scribbled inside. I was also treated to the Texas version of the birthday song by two long-time friends and former co-workers. It was a good day. Now, I am merely a 50-something female looking for love on the internet. Isn’t peri-menopause enough punishment for a gal? Here are the best of the best from this week’s profiles:

One 51-year old local guy wrote the following: “I’m a divorced physician who happens to be too busy with practice and kids, looking for special lady with Beauty, brains and personality.” Add a few more words about sports and travel, and you have his bio in its entirety. I made note of two things in his profile. First, notice that the word “beauty” comes complete with a capital “B.” I believe that looks is a priority. Secondly, since he feels the need to mention that he is a doctor, perhaps he is relying on his profession and not his gift of writing to hook his lady?

Two fellows mentioned their love of food in their profiles. The first says, “I live to eat, although, I am eating better these days to live a full life.” Kudos to him for re-evaluating his eating habits. As my late husband used to say, “Do you live to eat, or eat to live?” (I choose number two.) The second gent said, “I am attractive but not beautiful or skinny. I struggle with my weight.” These two sentences sounded strangely feminine to me. Men do not generally use the term “skinny” when making references to their weight. I also do not think that either men or women should be making references to their own physical attributes in their profiles. This is the purpose of photos and other biographical information. Remember, “beauty” is in the eye of the beholder.

One 51-year old same state resident said, “I enjoy my career. I do not have to dread going to work.” He is also “not stuck on foods. ” He just tries to eat healthy. I don’t know why, but these comments struck me as kind of funny. I would definitely say that he “eats to live,” not vice versa like some of this week’s competition.

One bachelor listed “sexy shoes’ as one of his favorite things. I hope he is referring to footwear worn by females, and not shoes in his own collection. Just like the fellow I previously mentioned, “sexy shoes” and “skinny” are not terms generally associated with the manly man.

I had to don the English teacher hat AGAIN this week. Apparently, one home-grown guy missed the class on the proper use of the apostrophe. Here is his list of favorite “thing’s”: Sport’s, walk’s, movie’s, family night’s and adult night’s. He did all of that extra typing of apostrophes when all that was required was the “s.” Week after week, I am dragging out the red pen. I would actually  prefer to read profiles and not correct them. My writing device is running out of ink!

I will end this week with two old farts with humorously creepy age parameters. (By the way, both of them wrote to me! UGH!) The first, a 57-year old with “69” in his online user name (DOUBLE CREEPY), is seeking women 30-55. Not only is this misguided soul seeking women 27 years his junior, but like so many before him, he can’t date a woman his age. (Just an aside: A friend recently mentioned that he knows a woman who states outright in her profile that she does not want to be contacted by men with the number “69” written anywhere in their profile. I might just consider doing the same. YUCK!)

The second guy, a 62-year old local divorcee, is seeking women 42-59. Again, he is willing to rob the cradle and date his  daughter’s friends, but can’t possibly spend time with a woman his age, or even slightly older. Shame on you, Grandpa! This one does redeem himself somewhat with a quote contained within his profile: “The two of us together will be better than each of us alone.” Two points for a great line, but minus 20 for the creepiness factor. Total score: Negative 18!

I am grateful for ALL of the candles on my cake this week, and am hopeful that this next year will be full of  joy and laughter and meaningful encounters with fellow humans and maybe even a little love. Thanks for tagging along again this week!