It remained relatively quiet in my world of online dating this week. I did receive two flirtatious communications from men that I was not interested in. The first was a same-aged guy from a neighboring town who must have been doing some photo shopping since our profiles had nothing in common. The second flirt was a 61-year old seeking women 40-55. Do the math. His mate can be 21 years his junior on the low-end and six years younger on the high-end. REALLY? If you could see his photo, I am sure that you would agree that he is smokin’ something! There were only two profiles that are worthy of commentary from me:

One 56-year old, never married fella said the following. “I have been blessed with a great job, wonderful friends and good health. So why am I single? I did let a few precious women get away. My bad.” I am going to offer up a guess as to why a few good women escaped. It would most likely be due to the fact that Mr. Afraid-of-Commitment never coughed up a ring and the promise of happily-ever-after. His “precious ladies” moved on and are most likely enjoying wedded bliss with guys who weren’t afraid to take the plunge.

A 49-year old from my home state listed the following as “things he likes to do”: 4 wheeling, fishing, primitive hunting, rock hunting, flintknapping, and chillin’ with friends. His hot spots include “the farm, the lake and the woods.” First of all, Mr Caveman would NEVER be a match for an animal-loving vegetarian. Secondly, I am so far removed from his interests, that I had to look up “flintknapping,” as I am pretty sure that I have never heard that term before. Flintknapping is the process of making stone tools. Apparently, this is somewhat of a lost art, as most men (and women) purchase their tools at Home Depot or Lowe’s.

And those my friends are a few of my “matches” this week.  I wonder what algorithms my dating site uses to pair me up with potential mates? I would have to say that it is about as good at math as I am, and that is not saying much! Just ask my son. I have been unable to offer him much assistance with his math homework since he progressed past the fourth grade. Sad but true! Tune in next week as the calendar flips to October. I am sure to offer up some scary tales (or at least scary profiles) that are sure to get you in the mood for Halloween!

A correction and an update from last week are in order as I begin to recap yet another chapter in my online dating saga. First, I made reference to “rap” music in week 35, and included some favorite artists of mine. A much younger, new friend of mine informed me that the type of music I referred to is actually “hip hop” and not rap. Oops! Obviously, this old broad doesn’t even know the correct genre of music she downloads and listens to. I consider myself informed and up-to-date. Thank you, Mr. P.

Secondly, I shared with you the prevalence of JLTGL’s prowling about online, and my first real encounter with one. (If you missed last week’s post, JLTGL is an acronym I created for the “Just Looking To Get Laid” guys.)  This prompted me to update my profile stating the nature of my intentions-namely that I am looking for true love and companionship, not a one night stand or friends-with-benefits. I generally receive (in a week’s time), at least one or two emails and/or the same number of flirtatious nods from potential matches. Since updating my bio with my very clear intentions, this number (while small to begin with), has significantly dropped off. In fact, just yesterday, I received my one and only communication this week. If I had approached the writing of my new profile from an experimental standpoint, I might just conclude that online dating sites contain an astonishingly high number of JLTGL’s. (I think I have known this all along, and had been warned of such before ever signing up.)  These unscientific test results do not deter me from my goal. I just remind myself that this is merely one avenue for meeting single men, and that its more effective purpose is to merely announce to the universe that I am ready to find and settle down with that one perfect person for me. If my newly revised profile weeds out the JLTGL’s who choose to go prowling elsewhere, then this is good news. No more wasting time with someone who does not share my same intentions. Take your bottle of Viagra and go. Far. Far. Away.

With that said, allow me to list a few quotes from the profiles of the JLTGL’s. (I am really learning how to spot them.) One slightly chubby 51-year old from a neighboring state said the following in his rather brief profile: “Why so serious? Just have fun and be naughty.” He wrote an additional five sentences, and then repeated himself with, “Looking for a lady that can be a little naughty when the need arises!” This guy is rather blunt and tacky in his search for sex-a rather upfront, in-your-face approach of the JLTGL’s.

Another, more wishy-washy tactic is one exemplified in the profile of a 46-year old from my home state. He is looking for an attractive, sexy woman “that is interested in friendship that would develop into something serious…..or not.” He might go either way. He, quite possibly, is open to finding his soulmate, OR if not, will just take the booty and run.

A third tactic of the playa is the “Let the ladies know that you are rich, successful, powerful or ALL of the above.” One 61-year old from a town nearby uses the handle, ” Johnnywelloff,” and opens his bio with the line, “I’m a successful business owner, living alone and have my own high-end condo.” John clearly directs his intentions towards the female equivalent of the JLTGL’s, which is the Gold Digger. This is a match made in heaven for these folks, as he gets his manly desires fulfilled and she gets to go shopping with his credit card!

Finally (you say), I move on from the seedy world of the prowler and onto the less shallow, yet still amusing scribblings of the aging male bachelor. One guy wrote the following sentence, “Lowe’s and the grocery store are my stores of choice.” He could be a match for me for two reasons. First, I also prefer Lowe’s to Home Depot in the big box, hardware store market. Secondly, I do NOT consider the grocery store my first choice of favorite places to shop, namely because they don’t sell clothes or shoes, and I somewhat detest the chore of weekly food shopping. If I hook up with this guy, I might be able to get him to undertake this boring, yet necessary ritual, allowing me more time to shop at MY favorite stores, TJ Maxx and Steinmart!

“Big Charley”, a six-foot, two-inch 50-year old from yet another neighboring state wrote, “i love to be held.” First of all, a guy with the name “Big Charley” should use a BIG “I” when referring to himself. Little “i’s” are for those fellas who are shorter in stature and leaner in body type. Secondly, I find the task of “holding” Charles a bit frightening. I can just feel a hernia coming on!

Lastly, one clever gent included the following analogy in his profile: ” Shoes are like relationships…..they either look and feel great, or they hurt and leave marks.” LOVE IT, especially, since he mentions shoes. And by the way ladies AND gents, if you are in a relationship that hurts or leaves marks, GET THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW!

This concludes the entertainment portion of a peek into Joan’s life. My goal (always) is to make you laugh, or at the very least- smile. Remember to take a moment today to reflect on the 10-year anniversary of the attack on our nation, and to do what is within your power to make this a better world. Peace, love and rock-n-roll! (Notice how I left out “rap!”)

Here we are-Week 35 and the beginning of my eighth month as a subscriber to an online dating site. Even I could not predict that I would last this long. (My first attempt at this lasted a mere two months.) I do believe that this blog has assisted with my commitment to this process. I have not written this much IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, and for that I am grateful. I did manage to read more profiles than in past weeks, so here is my recap:

I did receive one email and one flirtatious comment from interested fellas, but chose not to respond to either one. I think they both were “window shoppers.” ( I spoke about such bachelors in last week’s post.) Our profiles did not really have anything in common, and one guy’s profile contained the silly age parameters that I so often speak about. He is a 50-year old local chap who is looking for women aged 40-45. He wrote a sort of rambling email, where he mentioned his divorce, two daughters, occupation, and other things I frankly don’t remember. He told me that I need to change the “5” in my age to a “3” since he believes that I don’t look as old as the number of candles on my cake. Hey, flattery USUALLY gets you everything, but not in this case. I do, however, wish him well in his search.

The 58-year old flirt did have a good age range for females (46-60), but he used the word “attractive” in his profile. Just like spelling and grammar, I often harp on the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Tell me that you are a good person, loyal, faithful, honest, hard-working, fun-loving, monogamous, a giver, financially secure, in good health, etc., but do NOT tell me that you are attractive. I can figure out that on my own, and it is about SO much more than looks! See, climbing out of her box is helping Joan realize that physical appearance is only the housing for the whole package.

One 53-year old Don Juan wants his matches to know that he has the “libido of a 21-year old, but is NOT on here for sex.” I will go out on a limb here and say that he could be a spokesperson for Viagra. Apparently, the little pills are working! Also, it is refreshing to learn that there is at least one guy on my site who isn’t JLTGL (Just Looking To Get Laid.) I have heard about the JLTGL’s, and did cross paths with one recently. This prompted me to update my own profile with this line: “If you are looking to casually date women, I am probably not the one for you. I am looking for a long-term, committed relationship, hopefully my last one.”   It is my intention to no longer become a blip on the JLTGL’s radar!

At least three of my matches had funny self-descriptions in their profiles. I will list them in no particular order, and hopefully, you will find them just as amusing as I did. The first said, “I do have all my own teeth and I wear shoes even though I am from (insert name of a southern state.) I have never been arrested. My date had better have a sense of humor also.”

The second one said, “I am not big on the camping thing, but would enjoy boating or maybe even fishing as long as it is not dirty or smells bad.” Here is my take on this. I have been fishing once or twice in my pre-vegetarian life and it is ALWAYS dirty (think slippery, slimy worms as bait) and it ALWAYS smells bad. Stick with boating. It is usually just a drunken way to stay cool and get wet!

The third comedian wannabe said, “I do have all the basics-don’t live with mom, have my own place, car, job, brush my teeth, etc.” Sure he sounds good and stable but is he a “JLTGL?????” That answer should be included with the “basics.” I’m just sayin!

Two of my potential matches had a deal breaker in their list of “favorite things.” They both named their favorite types of music and then said, “No rap allowed,” or “Absolutely no rap in the car or at home.” Dang! I actually enjoy some rap, and often have it turned up REAL loud in my car where I sing and dance (while driving….) I think I might just experience symptoms of withdrawal if Flo Rida, Pit Bull, Usher and others were named a forbidden substance. How else can I get my gangsta on????

And, last but not least, I do have a winner in the “favorite photo” category. One quite cute, 48-year old, home state dude took a photo of himself in the bathroom mirror. (Apparently, he did not read an earlier post of mine nixing this practice.) In the background of the photo, I could plainly see a photo of a pin-up girl, nicely framed and hanging on the wall. WTF???? Well, That is Fantastic (and a bit weird for a middle-aged guy.) That type of photo seems more appropriate as wall art in the bedroom of a teen-aged, pimple-faced boy who just happens to be one big raging hormone!

Well, that is a wrap of Week 35. It is the last official weekend of summer, even though technically the season is still with us for a few more weeks. I hope your summer was a good one. I am looking forward to wearing jeans and jackets, and having the windows of my home wide open. I can just taste the cool, crispness of Fall.  Bring it on!