A correction and an update from last week are in order as I begin to recap yet another chapter in my online dating saga. First, I made reference to “rap” music in week 35, and included some favorite artists of mine. A much younger, new friend of mine informed me that the type of music I referred to is actually “hip hop” and not rap. Oops! Obviously, this old broad doesn’t even know the correct genre of music she downloads and listens to. I consider myself informed and up-to-date. Thank you, Mr. P.

Secondly, I shared with you the prevalence of JLTGL’s prowling about online, and my first real encounter with one. (If you missed last week’s post, JLTGL is an acronym I created for the “Just Looking To Get Laid” guys.)  This prompted me to update my profile stating the nature of my intentions-namely that I am looking for true love and companionship, not a one night stand or friends-with-benefits. I generally receive (in a week’s time), at least one or two emails and/or the same number of flirtatious nods from potential matches. Since updating my bio with my very clear intentions, this number (while small to begin with), has significantly dropped off. In fact, just yesterday, I received my one and only communication this week. If I had approached the writing of my new profile from an experimental standpoint, I might just conclude that online dating sites contain an astonishingly high number of JLTGL’s. (I think I have known this all along, and had been warned of such before ever signing up.)  These unscientific test results do not deter me from my goal. I just remind myself that this is merely one avenue for meeting single men, and that its more effective purpose is to merely announce to the universe that I am ready to find and settle down with that one perfect person for me. If my newly revised profile weeds out the JLTGL’s who choose to go prowling elsewhere, then this is good news. No more wasting time with someone who does not share my same intentions. Take your bottle of Viagra and go. Far. Far. Away.

With that said, allow me to list a few quotes from the profiles of the JLTGL’s. (I am really learning how to spot them.) One slightly chubby 51-year old from a neighboring state said the following in his rather brief profile: “Why so serious? Just have fun and be naughty.” He wrote an additional five sentences, and then repeated himself with, “Looking for a lady that can be a little naughty when the need arises!” This guy is rather blunt and tacky in his search for sex-a rather upfront, in-your-face approach of the JLTGL’s.

Another, more wishy-washy tactic is one exemplified in the profile of a 46-year old from my home state. He is looking for an attractive, sexy woman “that is interested in friendship that would develop into something serious…..or not.” He might go either way. He, quite possibly, is open to finding his soulmate, OR if not, will just take the booty and run.

A third tactic of the playa is the “Let the ladies know that you are rich, successful, powerful or ALL of the above.” One 61-year old from a town nearby uses the handle, ” Johnnywelloff,” and opens his bio with the line, “I’m a successful business owner, living alone and have my own high-end condo.” John clearly directs his intentions towards the female equivalent of the JLTGL’s, which is the Gold Digger. This is a match made in heaven for these folks, as he gets his manly desires fulfilled and she gets to go shopping with his credit card!

Finally (you say), I move on from the seedy world of the prowler and onto the less shallow, yet still amusing scribblings of the aging male bachelor. One guy wrote the following sentence, “Lowe’s and the grocery store are my stores of choice.” He could be a match for me for two reasons. First, I also prefer Lowe’s to Home Depot in the big box, hardware store market. Secondly, I do NOT consider the grocery store my first choice of favorite places to shop, namely because they don’t sell clothes or shoes, and I somewhat detest the chore of weekly food shopping. If I hook up with this guy, I might be able to get him to undertake this boring, yet necessary ritual, allowing me more time to shop at MY favorite stores, TJ Maxx and Steinmart!

“Big Charley”, a six-foot, two-inch 50-year old from yet another neighboring state wrote, “i love to be held.” First of all, a guy with the name “Big Charley” should use a BIG “I” when referring to himself. Little “i’s” are for those fellas who are shorter in stature and leaner in body type. Secondly, I find the task of “holding” Charles a bit frightening. I can just feel a hernia coming on!

Lastly, one clever gent included the following analogy in his profile: ” Shoes are like relationships…..they either look and feel great, or they hurt and leave marks.” LOVE IT, especially, since he mentions shoes. And by the way ladies AND gents, if you are in a relationship that hurts or leaves marks, GET THE HELL OUT RIGHT NOW!

This concludes the entertainment portion of a peek into Joan’s life. My goal (always) is to make you laugh, or at the very least- smile. Remember to take a moment today to reflect on the 10-year anniversary of the attack on our nation, and to do what is within your power to make this a better world. Peace, love and rock-n-roll! (Notice how I left out “rap!”)