Eleven weeks. Eleven matches. Zero prospects. Those are the numbers my friends. I was grateful for the low turnout as I am busy nursing an injured knee, however, since all ten fingers still work, I am able to summarize this week’s bachelors. Two of my matches made references to foods and beverages in their profiles. The first gent felt it important to share what kinds of beers he likes. While one would assume that due to my german heritage I would really dig a guy that enjoys his beer, I actually think that including this subject in your profile is a bit of a turnoff. Does this guy really have NOTHING else that he can share about himself other than his choice of alcoholic beverages? To him I say, try to dig a little deeper when drafting your profile. A second guy made two references to food in his profile. He wants you to know that he can’t live without “Tootsie Rolls” (#2 on his list) and “A perfectly grilled steak,” (#5 on his list). Under additional information I would like you to know he said, ” I REALLY like Tootsie Rolls.” I used to REALLY like Tootsie Rolls myself until I tossed one in, chomped on it, and broke a tooth. A visit to the dentist resulted in a crown and $1000.00 withdrawn from my bank account. Bye bye to Tootsie Rolls AND the dude from a neighboring state that “Can’t live without them.”      

I have a few favorite quotes plucked from this week’s bios. Here they are in no particular order:

Under the heading, “What is the one thing that I wish more people would notice about me,” the good doctor answered, “That I am comfortable discussing pretty much anything under the sun.” To which I would ask, “Would you do the same in the shade, cuz I am trying to avoid the sun and its cancer-causing, wrinkle-inducing rays?”

Under the subject, “Who has been the most influential person in your life?”, one very devoted follower said, “Several Catholic priests.” I am pretty sure that very few Catholic priests are getting the “greatest mentor” nod these days, as way too many of them have been outed as pedophiles not teachers.

Another guy gave an honorable mention in the “most influential person category” to “My brother, the MENSA dude.” I really was not attracted to this particular guy based on his sports-oriented profile and his geographical location, but I would like to know if the MENSA dude is available and within my 300-mile radius?

Lest you think I would make little mention of men and their obsession with sports, I would like to share one fellow’s passion. He wants you to know that he “Loves to watch football” and adds, “What man doesn’t?” So there you have it. I am officially screwed. Apparently my attempt to find a mate who isn’t a sports junkie is a futile gesture. I guess I will have to learn to live by the saying, “If you can’t beat em, join em.” I will end this post now so I can flip on the TV and watch the endless telecasts of March Madness. I need to ice my knee anyway………

Week ten brought a whopping 34 matches to my inbox, with one slight problem-the vast majority were way out of my set 300 mile radius. (A mere eight men were from my home state.) Of the 34 eligible bachelors, 13 posted no photo, and at least eight listed “sports” as a passion and/or a leisure time activity. The “weirdometer” was also awakened from its slumber when the second wackiest profile I have read thus far was sent to me. (The first one was written by nature boy who carried his own weather. Remember him?) At least five bios were less than 20 words in length, with one guy summing himself up in just nine words. Three of these “men of few words” couldn’t even be bothered with posting a photo. One has to wonder how truly committed they are to the dating process with so little time invested in creating what is literally an ad for yourself. Here is a quick rundown of my picks of the week:

One ego-maniac wrote, “I am in great shape. I am also intelligent, articulate and well-educated, but not snobbish.” I would beg to differ.

Under the section, “Additional Information I Want You to Know, ” one 57-year old gent wrote, “I am not easy, but I am worth it.” He never mentions family or friends in his profile, only his yellow Labrador Retriever. I felt a bit sorry for this particular fellow, because waking up everyday as Mr. I’m Not Easy has to be lonely at times.

Second place in the Dr. Dolittle category (also known as, “I like animals way more than people”) goes to the fellow who wrote in great length about his horses.

One 52-year old fellow, who I surmised has probably never been married or reproduced himself, is most thankful for the “love, guidance and affection my mother gave me.” He wrote this under the category,” Outside of your family, who has been the most influential person in your life?” Considering those guidelines, mentioning your mother here may cause your reader (me) to assume that you are a mommy’s boy. Not cool when you are a card-carrying member of the AARP!

After a long break, the best photo category actually had two winners this week. The runner-up was lying (fully clothed) on his side on an area rug, looking up at the camera. This particular pose strikes me as something you might see in Playgirl, minus the clothes. Kind of creepy! The winning photo had this particular match standing in a kitchen next to a side-by-side refrigerator decorated with a large snowman. He was dressed in a gray Henley shirt, which was tucked into a pair of blue and white pajama bottoms printed with dolphins. Nice outfit. Thanks for getting all dressed up!

Last but not least is the weirdometer’s pick for wackiest profile of the week. Here is a list of answers he provided to the fill-in-the-blank questions:

The One Thing I Am Most Passionate about: “Inner self-healing, and being in alignment with self.”

The Three Things I Am Most Thankful For: #1 My self, #2 My Beloved (who is she?) #3 My primary relationship with self.

Additional Information I Would Like You to Know: “Although my wife transitioned, I still love her.” While I think he is most likely referring to the fact that his has wife passed on, there is some room to believe that “transitioning” might refer to the fact that she has become a man. This exact thing just happened to a friend of my family. “Joseph” is in the process of transitioning into “Josephine.”

What is the Last Book You Read: “I haven’t read a book in a while. No real interest in another’s creation unless it is someone close to me.” This might explain all of his references to “self.” I think he is a bit self-absorbed!

How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time: (This is my FAVORITE answer.) “Sunning in the shade.” If one is shaded by an umbrella or a tree, I don’t think there is much “sunning” taking place.

On a positive note, there was one nicely written profile from a long-distance match. He portrayed himself as a devoted father and advocate for abused children and animals. There was no talk about a love of sports, or workaholic tendencies. I did send him an email in which I gave him accolades for writing such a thoughtful and compassionate profile. He did not write back. Oh well, I should get extra credit for taking a chance.

A new week has begun, so I am sure more blogging material is on the way. I will keep writing until I can drop the “w” and find Mr. Right.

This week, I hit the two-month mark in my three-month subscription. While the matching started off slow, it ended strong with a total of 19 matches. There was a rather peculiar theme that dominated a few profiles this week. This was the incorrect use of the word “I.” There were three men that repeatedly used this word without capitalizing it within a sentence. (One gent, who listed “Academic” as his occupation, incorrectly used this word eight times.) Their bios were littered with little “i’s.” I was consistently distracted from the context of their profiles by the constant misuse use of one of the easiest words in the English language other than “a.” It bears repeating that if writing and spelling are not your thing, it would definitely be worth the time and effort to have someone proofread your profile BEFORE you post it. There were two interesting answers to the question, “Who has been the most influential person in your life?” Thomas Edison received his second vote in this category. (He was the winner in Week 3 as well.) I consider this an amazing feat for a guy who has been dead for 80 years! Congratulations, Mr. Edison. The other somewhat unlikely nod went to Jesus Christ. This was his first nomination in this category. The occupation of the fellow whose mentor is the son of God was written as follows: Trauma therapist, life coach, yoga therapist, spiritual director. I have just one question for him. How do you fit all of that on a business card?

There was one match who was a polar opposite for me. He was an ex-military guy who listed his ONE passion as: bowling, fishing, gun collecting and shooting. He reads any book about combat, and he wants you to know that he is a “One women man.” The number one thing he can’t live without is iced tea. Wow! What a catch!

The vast majority of single men on dating sites are divorced. There are some widowers and never-marrieds that get sprinkled in every once in a while. This week’s batch of matches did include one widower.  He listed the most influential person in his life as ” my deceased wife.” The number one thing that he is thankful for is, “My deceased wife, who taught me how to be a good partner.”  I am 99% sure that his primary photo, taken in the Fall of 2009, was of him and said “deceased wife.” When I finished reading his profile, my gut instinct was that this guy is not ready for dating. I am not sure what is motivating him to subscribe to an online dating site when he still appears to be grieving? I have learned the hard way that it is virtually impossible to attempt to shortcut your way through grief. You must stay present in the process until you arrive at your destination-acceptance.

Just when you thought you had logged onto the internet and were free from references to Charlie Sheen, you might want to stop reading now. Under the category, “The Five Things I Can’t Live Without,” one fellow listed Two and a Half Men as number five. It appears that it is impossible to escape Charlie Sheen Mania. He is literally EVERYWHERE!

Week eight is now a wrap. I am beginning to get a little bored with this process, even though it provides me with material that I can use for this blog. I log onto my site day after day, only to be disappointed in my choices. I am going to shrug off this lackluster week to the winter blahs. My mood and matches are carbon copies of the gray, dreary, wet days that are the prelude to Spring. I remain hopeful that as the weather warms and the sun shows it’s face more consistently, my matches, too, will be brighter and better.

This eighth week brought eight matches. (I believe a pattern might be developing.) One half of the men (or four, if you are good at math) had profiles that included no photo. The good news is there were two available gents with nicely written profiles AND pictures attached. I wrote to the one whose biography was spiritual in nature, and included a reference to a series of books that I read years ago, which still sit on my shelf today. I received no response to my email. (This is where the bad news begins.) Sports was the dominant theme AGAIN in many of the profiles, especially under the section, “The One Thing I Am Most Passionate About.” Here is the list, in its correct order, from one sports freak nut: Sports, baseball, football, and family. I would like to suggest a revision here. First, I think it would appear more appropriate to list “family” first. Secondly, I think that the word “sports” includes games like baseball and football, so no need to list all three. He also listed “watching sports” ahead of “spending time with friends and family” under the section, “How I Spend My Leisure Time.” You don’t have to hit me over the head with your handy, dandy baseball bat. You love SPORTS more than you love your PEOPLE. Another guy did almost the exact same thing. Under his “Passions,” he listed, in this order: Golf, college basketball/football and lastly his daughter. Under “leisure time,” his list was similar, but with one addition: Golf, dinner with my daughter, playing poker, playing golf. If you still have your math brain handy, he mentioned golf three times. I get it Tiger. YOU LIKE GOLF! The third and final jock wannabee listed “sports” as his one and only “passion.” In fact, his entire profile contained only eleven words. (He was also one of the “mystery, no photo” men.) Obviously, he was too busy watching sports to take the time to create a well-written, descriptive bio of himself that included a snapshot or two.

With March Madness on the horizon, spring training in full swing, and the NBA hooping it up nearly every night and weekend, there appears to be little hope for us lonely, single women. It would seem that many of the available men in my age range are glued to their TV set, or have their season tickets in hand, ready for the beginning of the six-month baseball season. This just weeks after relegating their favorite football jersey to the back of the closet. Instead of surrendering to my feelings of defeat and gloom, I would just like to give a big shout out to all of the single, fifty-something males who DON’T live, eat and breathe sports. Can you please show up in my universe? I’m a pretty good gal just looking for a decent guy with some depth and a zest for life. Consider yourself officially summoned.

Seven appears to be the lucky number this week.  This is my seventh week of online dating, and my service matched me with seven men. Now, in Las Vegas, “seven” may be a winning number, but there is no jackpot for me this week. The themes of previous weeks continued. There was one match with no photo, and he was also “neither religious nor spiritual.” There were three additional sports fanatics, with one even posting the one and only photo of himself at a ballgame with three of his buddies. (I would refer them to my blog posting dated February 6, 2011. Be very careful about boasting about your love of sports. For a large majority of women, this may be a HUGE turn-off!) One gent had no less than eight misspelled words in his very wordy profile. My favorite was under the section, “What is the First Thing People Notice About Me?” He answered, “That I am a grreat guy.” Get out your bowl and Frosted Flakes. I found Tony the Tiger, and he is my match! Grrrrrr…..Under the heading, “Occupation, ” there were a couple of new and interesting ones. There were two engineers-one was a chemical engineer (obviously a smart guy), and the other was a Nondestructive Testing Engineer. Huh? Obviously, there must also exist a “Destructive Testing Engineer.” His/her job sounds way more fun. They get to go to work, destroy things AND get paid for it! The list also included a semi truck driver and one guy who was honest and forthright about the fact that he is on disability. Again, I am not so sure that you should share that type of information in your profile. It is not a chick-magnet kind of occupation. Actually, it is not an occupation at all!

This post serves as my shortest to-date. There just wasn’t much to work with this week. Pretty much the same old, same old. I can continue to check my site daily, and then go on about my life. This is an opportunity to remind myself to just “be.”

Week six proved to be a quiet week with only six matches. ( I received no matches on Thursday.) The supply of available men appears to be dwindling. Shame on me for not finding “the one” in those first weeks when I was deluged daily with all of those great catches! (If you have been following along since January, you know that the term “great catch” did not apply to the vast majority of the first 200 men sent my way.)  Here is a brief synopsis of the other men deserving an Honorable Mention:

The first match of the week was a 51-year old man who had seven grandchildren. Seven grandchildren at 51???? (At age 50 1/2, I have one child who is in seventh grade.) Obviously, reproducing oneself begins early in that family. Grandpa, who is somewhat overweight, had an interesting photo of himself taken in Mexico. He is wearing a ball cap and a t-shirt with a skull imprinted on it, and he is coming out of the top of a birthday cake that says, “Eat Me” on the front. Not your typical sittin-in-the-rocking-chair kind of granddad. I’ll bet the grandkids really do “eat him up!”

My second match of the week had a well written profile, which included a nice quote under the section,”The Most Influential Person in my Life.” He listed his son, and said, “I am supposed to keep him grounded, but lately, he is the one keeping me grounded.”  Sweet! I really dig a guy that can write, but this one was not a match in an aesthetic sense. Darn!

My last match of the week is the winner in two categories. Under “Five Things I Can’t Live Without,” last on his list was “physical stimulation.” I am no Einstein, but even I know that this is merely a more clinical way of saying, “sex.” (He could also have said, “intercourse”-also very “clinical.”)  Nice try, Mr. Viagra! His primary profile photo is also the winner in the Kodak category. He is dressed in a business suit holding a leather portfolio tucked under his left arm while his right hand holds a pen that he is pointing towards the camera. His facial expression is more of a smirk than a smile. He looks like an ambulance-chasing attorney or cheesy used car salesman, or given his Jewish religious status, he could be another Bernie Madoff ready to offer you his latest Ponzi Scheme. He went into the “double delete” file.

That’s all she wrote, or to say it another way, I am out of material. With only six matches, there just isn’t much to work with, but, as you can see, there always is SOMETHING! Happy Valentine’s Day. Maybe next year, a dozen roses will arrive at my door- a gift from my match! A girl can always dream………

As the title of this post suggests, I was finally granted a week where the weird and the wacky seem to have been weeded out. This first week of February was a breath of fresh air, even if that air was cold and snowy. (This is a reference to our chilly winter, where there is never-ending precipitation falling from the sky. Excuse me-I digress.) While the number of pickins was slim (just 10 matches), the vast majority of the profiles were pleasant to read, written by seemingly nice men. This week’s photo scroll was also notably easier on the eyes. The batch did, however, include three with no photos-about the same percentage as last week. Under “religion,” there again were a few non-believers (neither religious or spiritual), but did include the first Muslim. A few reader/friends have strongly gently suggested that I give a guy (or two) a chance, so I did initiate contact, via email, with one particular 51-year old. To-date, I have not received a response. This is the second time I have reached out with zero results. Surprisingly, this “rejection” does not appear to threaten my self-esteem because, quite frankly, they don’t really even KNOW me. They see a couple of photos, read a brief synopsis, but what they are lacking is physical presence. You can’t really KNOW someone without experiencing their energy, also known as “vibe” or “aura.”

Here is some commentary on the profiles of this week’s matches. I think you will find them “kinder and gentler” as well:

There was one fellow who listed “trust” as the number one thing he is looking for. This response suggests to me that quite possibly, this once loving, devoted husband was cheated on. To him I would say, ” I am truly sorry. Once you heal from your loss and betrayal, I guarantee that you will see that your ex did you a favor. Your next wife, who is waiting in the wings for you, will be a MUCH better person and spouse.”

Next, I would like to  address a comment that was posted on one gent’s profile. He wants you to know (get ready for a direct quote here), “I would put your happiness ahead of mine, and would appreciate the same consideration in return.”  I would like to take a moment to discuss the premise that anyONE or anyTHING can make you happy. I believe that true happiness can only come from within. It can’t be bought in a store, drunk from a bottle, or ingested in the form of food or pills. While another person can contribute to your joyous nature, they cannot give it to you, nor offer it up in place of their own. Anyway, men of this certain age should know by now that there is only one thing (outside of herself) that can make a woman happy and that, my friend, is chocolate-not technically a food!

On another note, after painstakingly (and often painfully) leafing through close to 200 profiles, I have noticed that several men list “watching sports” (including baseball, football and basketball) as either a passion, or something they do in their leisure time. Dear Abby would like to make one teeny, tiny suggestion. Save this VERY important data about yourself until AFTER you have “hooked her,” or possibly even “reeled her in.” Unless she is a sports fanatic herself (about 1 in two billion females, studies have suggested) OR, she doesn’t mind having her guy sprawled on the sofa weekend after weekend (this is approximately 1 in three billion women), this information just may prevent YOU from getting “hooked” and possibly “reeled in.”

In an effort to end the week on a high note, I would like to share my positive outlook on the whole online dating process and my careful recording of material contained within this  blog. My year-long endeavor is sure to prove a “win-win” for me. At the end of this journey, I will have either met my soul mate OR will have enough material to write my memoir titled, My Year of Meets. (This is a play-on-words of the title of a book I read several years ago, My Year of Meats, a rather good read by the way.) If I end up with a book deal instead of a living, breathing male, I will use my proceeds to purchase my man on the Internet. I will not use the mail-order route frequently chosen by many American men (usually Russia), but will instead select my groom from Italy. Vito, who is eagerly seeking a green card, shall willingly surrender his Italian citizenship to spend happily-ever-after with me.  See, I told you this is a win-win!

A mere 29 matches were sent to me this week, about half of my normal payload. It also appears that I have tossed aside all of the local available bachelors, and am now being sent potential matches from a five-state region. (I did set my “radius” to 300 miles, just in case Mr. Right does not live in my hood.) I am sorry to report that even after crossing state lines, I am still safely single.  A somewhat disconcerting trend emerged this week in that nine of my 29 matches posted NO PHOTO.  I used my handy, dandy calculator and figured out that 31% of this week’s profiles (nearly one-third) literally would not show their face. My motto is, “No photo, no chance.” All in all, it was a relatively quiet week on the “weirdometer,” and there actually were some cute guys with nice profiles. Lest you think you had logged on and were not going to be provided with entertainment, I say don’t stop reading yet. There were a few memorable profiles that are worth sharing.

There were two or three writer wannabees  (like me)  in this week’s batch. The first Ernest Hemingway attempted to craft a clever little “want ad” to describe himself and his attributes. While I give him an “A” for effort and creativity, he gets a D minus for spelling. A few samples  include “conosure” (correct spelling is connoisseur), “achemidic” (he used this spelling for academic twice), and “claqssic” (presumably classic). My advice to him would be to type up his paragraph and then either let the computer or one of his kids spell check it.  A second Wizard of Words says that he is “Passionate about the use of language to inspire and compel change.” While that was nice and spoke to the latent linguist in me, he went on to say that he is “Striving to use the better angels of our artistic sense to create real change.” WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN????? Is he suggesting that there are less-than-better or “bad” angels? I racked my brain and could only come up with the Hells Angels, and I don’t think that they are bad. They organize charity rides for great causes like cancer, and they look kind of cool sitting on their Harley’s with their bandanas and leather jackets.

One guy kind of ruffled my feathers with his answer to the question, “The Most Important Thing I Am Looking For in a Person.” To paraphrase him he said, “Their profession tells a lot about a person.” While I do think that there really are people in the world whose chosen profession truly is their “passion, ” I believe that the vast majority of nine-to-fivers are merely clocking in and out to obtain a paycheck, which provides them (and often their family) with food, shelter, clothing and Starbucks. It is what they do AFTER work or on weekends that often divulges their true gifts or talents. I would hate for someone to define me by my current part-time, administrative assistant position. (I am merely a single mom trying to keep the lights on and food on the table.) If you send me a nice profile with an appealing photo, I might meet you for coffee or dinner and let you know what my true passions and dreams are. You would never learn this by reading my resume! I have now stepped down off of my soap box…….

There were two winning profiles in this week’s stack, and without further ado, here they are:

The Runner-Up profile was from a guy who answered the question, “Additional Information I Want You to Know” with this answer: “I am better looking in the dark.” If I were looking for a bat, I might have sent him a little note, but I am looking for a GUY who looks good in the LIGHT!

Insert drumroll here……..The hands-down, number one winning profile this week came from a 56-year old gent who posted no photo AND listed his occupation as “unemployed.” THEN (I am not done), under “Five Things I Can’t Live Without,” his first answer was “My mother.” I am going to go out on a limb here and say that this guy does not stand a chance in hell of reeling in Ms. Right. To summarize, he has no picture, no job and an Oedipus Complex. My 13-year old son can get away with listing his mother as the number one thing he can’t live without because he is in the middle of puberty and doesn’t even drive. Also, he can’t even remember to brush his teeth without me yelling reminding him 15 times, twice a day!  “Mommy” should not be number one on your list when you are all grown up and past the half-century mark.

There you have it-another week in paradise dating hell. I officially hit the “one-month mark” this week on February 2nd, which coincidentally is Groundhog Day. This can possibly mean six more weeks of cold and snow AND eleven more months of online dating. Thank God for my coat, snow shovel and this blog to get me through winter’s wrath and the profiles of old, single men!

Week three is pretty much a carbon copy of weeks one and two, with one exception. There actually were a couple of attractive men with decent profiles. For whatever reason, I chose not to initiate communication with them (yes, I can be a chicken shit), nor did they write to me, either. Anyway, it was somewhat reassuring to learn that after pouring over nearly 150 perspective suitors,  there really are some good guys on this website. (Okay, there have been about four, but hey, that is a start.) Below is a synopsis of the this week’s lineup, and there definitely are several that are sure to contribute to the entertainment of my ever-faithful audience.

One very husky, endomorphic guy claims that he goes to the gym five days a week. My question is, “Do you actually park your car and go in?” I could be your personal trainer, but I am definitely not your girl.

In my previous posts, I have neglected to mention that in the section that contains one’s basic information, there is a place to list your religious preference. Most people, (myself included), say “Spiritual not religious.” There have been two Jewish guys, and several that list “Christian,” but surprisingly, there have been many that put “Neither religious nor spiritual.” I am going to take a moment here to suggest to these particular folks that they might consider registering with the “Available Atheists” online dating service, where there are bound to be oodles of non-believers. (I always delete these matches. I am looking for someone who believes in some form of a higher power, and they can call her whatever they choose.)

In another question, you are asked to list “The ONE thing that I am passionate about.” Several men have answered this question with “target shooting” and/or “hunting.” Unless you are a police officer who requires handgun training in order to protect yourself while on duty, OR you are Rambo, living alone in the woods, hunting animals for food, I find it disturbing that you would list this under “passion.” Also, and I repeat, vegetarians don’t date hunters or fisherman. If you choose to be a carnivore, please purchase your dead animals at the local grocery store.

Sticking with the category, “ONE passion, “one excellent typist listed 25 places throughout the United States that he has visited. He separated them into two categories: Natural Settings and Historical Settings. Since the category clearly states “ONE THING,” it would have been much easier (and with less risk of developing carpel tunnel syndrome) to just say “Travel.”

Another confused bachelor wrote that his passion is, “I love discussions with my partner, and learning new things from him/her.” Huh? Is he looking for a girl AND a guy? I referred him to the bisexual website, “I swing both ways.com.”

This week, two physicians showed up in my Inbox. The first had not one, but two, interesting answers in his profile. Under “Who has been the most influential person in your life?”, he listed Thomas Edison. Really? Does he know him personally, because I looked it up and Mr. Edison has been dead since 1931. Is he a ghost whisperer like Jennifer Love Hewitt? Also, he  wanted to let his potential matches know that he is authorized to use deadly force in the kitchen. This sounds like an answer in the game, “Clue.” My winning guess would be, “The doctor did it in the kitchen with a butcher knife.”

A third category on one’s home page is “The Five Things I Can’t Live Without.” There were three answers that took the prizes this week:

The bronze medal was awarded to the fellow who listed “Poker.” I think that this requires clarification. Does he mean Texas Holdem or strip poker? Either way, I am still not looking for a gambling-type of man.

The silver medal went to the George Hamilton’s twin, who wrote Sun and Suntan Lotion. (For those of you that may not be familiar with George Hamilton, he is an actor most famous for his ever-tanned body.) I don’t want to be the one taking care of this guy when he develops melanoma.

This week’s gold medal winner goes to the 57-year old who actually put “Huggable Underwear.” Based on his age and obvious need for specific undergarments, I am going to suggest that he begin purchasing Depends, the adult diaper. I am pretty sure that they are “huggable” AND absorbent.

In yet another category titled, “The One Thing I Wish More People Would Notice About Me?”, one gent actually wrote (and I always quote), “My little ears.” I need a guy with BIG ears so he can listen to me when I am nagging talking to him. In this same category, I was matched with my first narcissistic fellow. He wants you to notice, right off the bat, that he is confident and very secure with himself. He has the bar set high for who he is looking for. Good luck with finding Ms. Perfect. I am pretty sure she doesn’t exist.The hands down winner in this category, though, has to be the slightly deranged fellow who said, “I love to make up all kinds of different characters to carry different messages.” He called this “creativity.” I call it Multiple Personality Disorder.

There really was only one winner in the category, “Best Photo.” One stud muffin, dressed in a muscle t-shirt and shorts, was standing in the parking lot of an apartment complex holding a broom over his shoulder. Is the broom his mode of transportation? I need a guy with a car.

So, there you have it. Forty-nine potential Mr. Rights, yet they were all wrong! I just want to mention (in keeping with good karma), that it is not my intention to come across as mean-spirited or someone who makes fun of others. I am just attempting, through humor, to convey the fact that IT CAN BE HUGELY DIFFICULT to find that one person you click with. If you are someone truly in search of a companion, I wish you all the best. I believe that there is a match out there for everyone. It takes patience, perseverance, and a sense of humor to dig them up.  See you in a week-same time, same place.

This week forty-nine men showed up as potential “matches” according to my provider. The first thing I would like to note is that there really are a lot of single people out there in cyber-space. In just two short weeks, I have been sent approximately 93 potential mates-quite an astonishing amount of available men! There is just one slight problem. The vast majority (99.9%) end up in my “archived” file. (In this case, “archived” is just a kind way of saying “deleted.”) This week, like week one, reiterated the fact that fifty-something males are not aging well in our society. (My sister reminded me that if you look closely while attending your high school reunion, the women look far better than the men. I have to agree, having attended three of my own such affairs.) Here is a recap of week two:

I received three matches this week with no photos attached. My service stresses that in order to be successful with their site, you must post photos, and more equals better. No photo attached says, “I am not attractive enough to let you see what I look like, but I REALLY do have a great personality.” Delete.

On the subject of photos, most men do post several, and in various venues. There were two pics that really took the prize this week:

Runner-up: One gentlemen posted a photo of his pet pig, Melwood. I am hoping that like me, he refrains from eating pork. It would not be cool to fry up a pound of bacon on Sunday morning with Melwood in the other room, snoring on the sofa. I’m just saying……..

1st Prize: In his scroll of photos, a match posted a picture of himself dressed in a black, floppy hat, red mid-length coat, skirt (okay-maybe it was a kilt), and black, knee-high boots. Could it possibly be Robin Hood, or a pirate, or a Three Musketeer (not to be confused with the chocolate bar)? I could not hit “archive” fast enough!

I noticed that a couple of men this week had no children, and quite possibly had never been married. Never married and you are in your fifties? Red flag! Delete.

This week also included some of the most memorable quotes/answers on the profile pages. Here are the winners:

One man listed his children (they are grown) as his SECOND passion in his life after his job. He also wrote extensively about his career in other sections. Sounds like a workaholic! Delete.

Another fellow wrote that his passion is horse racing. Sounds like Kenny Rogers and “The Gambler.” Delete.

One gent wrote that he is most passionate about (and I quote), “The origin and structure of the universe.” Much too intellectual (and probably b-o-r-i-n-g) for me. Delete.

One very honest soul wrote that he, “Stays active in a 12-step program to stay clean and sober.” Good for you, but not for me! Delete.

One wiseguy let his matches know that the First Thing People Notice About Me is that “I can be a smart@#$ on occasion.” I am looking for a smart (read intelligent) guy, but can do without the @#$ part. I don’t need a donkey. Delete.

One super catch listed “sex” as the number one thing he can’t live without, and also spends his leisure time “girl watching.” Double creepy! He belongs on Match.com. DELETE. (Note the capital letters here.)

The hands down, number one quote came from a scruffy, granola-eating type, who reminded me of Ted Kuzinski, the Uni-bomber. His profile was a rambling manifesto about his love of nature and the outdoors, and included this sentence under the category, “What is the first thing people notice about me?” His answer (and I wrote it down as to get it 100% correct), “That I carry my own weather with me.” Huh???? Was that a typo? Did he mean, “That I carry my own water with me?” It doesn’t really matter. Delete.

I do have to admit that there were a couple of good profiles this week, including a fellow exerciser that includes yoga in his fitness regimen (I like that!), and an attractive English professor. I did send an “Icebreaker” to bachelor number two, which means that I have now officially set myself up for possible rejection. Oh well, you’ve got to put yourself out there if you want to find love. I also traded a few emails with a potential match, but my woman’s intuition is telling me that we are not meant to be. I guess you really do have to kiss a few frogs in order to find your Prince. Or, as they say in the 21st century, “You have to hit “delete” on a lot of duds in order to find your Soul Mate. (I just made that one up!)

See you next week. Bet you can’t wait………