Week three is pretty much a carbon copy of weeks one and two, with one exception. There actually were a couple of attractive men with decent profiles. For whatever reason, I chose not to initiate communication with them (yes, I can be a chicken shit), nor did they write to me, either. Anyway, it was somewhat reassuring to learn that after pouring over nearly 150 perspective suitors, there really are some good guys on this website. (Okay, there have been about four, but hey, that is a start.) Below is a synopsis of the this week’s lineup, and there definitely are several that are sure to contribute to the entertainment of my ever-faithful audience.
One very husky, endomorphic guy claims that he goes to the gym five days a week. My question is, “Do you actually park your car and go in?” I could be your personal trainer, but I am definitely not your girl.
In my previous posts, I have neglected to mention that in the section that contains one’s basic information, there is a place to list your religious preference. Most people, (myself included), say “Spiritual not religious.” There have been two Jewish guys, and several that list “Christian,” but surprisingly, there have been many that put “Neither religious nor spiritual.” I am going to take a moment here to suggest to these particular folks that they might consider registering with the “Available Atheists” online dating service, where there are bound to be oodles of non-believers. (I always delete these matches. I am looking for someone who believes in some form of a higher power, and they can call her whatever they choose.)
In another question, you are asked to list “The ONE thing that I am passionate about.” Several men have answered this question with “target shooting” and/or “hunting.” Unless you are a police officer who requires handgun training in order to protect yourself while on duty, OR you are Rambo, living alone in the woods, hunting animals for food, I find it disturbing that you would list this under “passion.” Also, and I repeat, vegetarians don’t date hunters or fisherman. If you choose to be a carnivore, please purchase your dead animals at the local grocery store.
Sticking with the category, “ONE passion, “one excellent typist listed 25 places throughout the United States that he has visited. He separated them into two categories: Natural Settings and Historical Settings. Since the category clearly states “ONE THING,” it would have been much easier (and with less risk of developing carpel tunnel syndrome) to just say “Travel.”
Another confused bachelor wrote that his passion is, “I love discussions with my partner, and learning new things from him/her.” Huh? Is he looking for a girl AND a guy? I referred him to the bisexual website, “I swing both ways.com.”
This week, two physicians showed up in my Inbox. The first had not one, but two, interesting answers in his profile. Under “Who has been the most influential person in your life?”, he listed Thomas Edison. Really? Does he know him personally, because I looked it up and Mr. Edison has been dead since 1931. Is he a ghost whisperer like Jennifer Love Hewitt? Also, he wanted to let his potential matches know that he is authorized to use deadly force in the kitchen. This sounds like an answer in the game, “Clue.” My winning guess would be, “The doctor did it in the kitchen with a butcher knife.”
A third category on one’s home page is “The Five Things I Can’t Live Without.” There were three answers that took the prizes this week:
The bronze medal was awarded to the fellow who listed “Poker.” I think that this requires clarification. Does he mean Texas Holdem or strip poker? Either way, I am still not looking for a gambling-type of man.
The silver medal went to the George Hamilton’s twin, who wrote Sun and Suntan Lotion. (For those of you that may not be familiar with George Hamilton, he is an actor most famous for his ever-tanned body.) I don’t want to be the one taking care of this guy when he develops melanoma.
This week’s gold medal winner goes to the 57-year old who actually put “Huggable Underwear.” Based on his age and obvious need for specific undergarments, I am going to suggest that he begin purchasing Depends, the adult diaper. I am pretty sure that they are “huggable” AND absorbent.
In yet another category titled, “The One Thing I Wish More People Would Notice About Me?”, one gent actually wrote (and I always quote), “My little ears.” I need a guy with BIG ears so he can listen to me when I am
nagging talking to him. In this same category, I was matched with my first narcissistic fellow. He wants you to notice, right off the bat, that he is confident and very secure with himself. He has the bar set high for who he is looking for. Good luck with finding Ms. Perfect. I am pretty sure she doesn’t exist.The hands down winner in this category, though, has to be the slightly deranged fellow who said, “I love to make up all kinds of different characters to carry different messages.” He called this “creativity.” I call it Multiple Personality Disorder.
There really was only one winner in the category, “Best Photo.” One stud muffin, dressed in a muscle t-shirt and shorts, was standing in the parking lot of an apartment complex holding a broom over his shoulder. Is the broom his mode of transportation? I need a guy with a car.
So, there you have it. Forty-nine potential Mr. Rights, yet they were all wrong! I just want to mention (in keeping with good karma), that it is not my intention to come across as mean-spirited or someone who makes fun of others. I am just attempting, through humor, to convey the fact that IT CAN BE HUGELY DIFFICULT to find that one person you click with. If you are someone truly in search of a companion, I wish you all the best. I believe that there is a match out there for everyone. It takes patience, perseverance, and a sense of humor to dig them up. See you in a week-same time, same place.
Re:Higher Power, maybe they should call Her “Joan”.
Every woman wants to hear those 3 little words “you’re right,Dear.” 🙂
This made me laugh. Good luck with the cute ones. If one of the possibilities is a Jewish doctor named Tom, I know him and I know he’s looking. He’s adorable. Any man in the kitchen is a blessing, unless he wants you to find everything for him and cut the onions like someone who shall remain nameless.
Now be brave and make contact! We have to hear about some dates.
Oh my, this is the funniest stuff I have read in ages. You are on a roll, girl! Can’t wait for the next installment!