This Bahama Mama had the better part of week 28 off-from work, chores and reading profiles. My son and I, along with my sister and her family, spent four funtastic days on Paradise Island (along with several thousand other folks.) Needless to say, I had little time to visit my lone online dating site. (A treat in itself!) I probably read less than 10 profiles between Friday and today, and only managed to jot down one humorous description. “Wild Scott” was sent to me as a match. W.S., a lead guitarist in a jazz/blues band, posted a single photo, which was a close up of him and his scruffy, bearded face with puckered lips, lying on a sofa. He wants his potential mates to know, “Most would say I’m crazy funny, not crazy nuts.” I would inform Steve that I was a sane, older woman until I went crazy nuts after spending six months reading bios on two online dating sites!

I promise to read (and write) more next week. It is forecasted to be a dangerously hot week here, so I shall be spending lots of time indoors at the computer. In addition to this blog, I also hope to spend some time re-working a writing piece that I hope to submit to a magazine. (I just put that intention out there so I would be accountable to someone to actually work on my little story.) It is easy to write a blog where mostly friends check in to see what I am scribbling down. It is completely different to pen something for the critical eye of strangers who have the power to reject your work. I enjoy the safe, cozy, positive space this blog provides, and I thank you for taking the time to check in this week!

This was a busy week for me, which left little time for browsing through profiles. I did read a few, and managed to extract some noteworthy sentences which I shall share with you now.

One 55-year old gent says, “I’m looking for a best friend and long-term partner who doesn’t snore too much.” I would have to agree with Mr. Double Nickels. I believe there are a staggering number of couples who actually sleep in different rooms due to this very noisy, bed-rattling condition.

Another guy with an intact sense of humor states, “I can even pass a FBI background check!” In this day and age, one must also be able to pass an AIDS test as well.

Another funny, local fella listed words NOT used to describe himself: Skoal, GED, Probation, Parole, Live w/mama. I would also toss in unemployed, tattooed, bankrupt, never-married and player.

This next quote is printed in its exact form: “I enjoy conservation about most anything and the Bilbe.” I have stressed in much earlier posts the importance of utilizing spell check, or at least a teenage proofreader. This is precisely the reason why!

One romantic bachelor considers “mutual massages, foot rubs and bubble baths a must.” This conjures up those infamous Cialis commercials with the couple in dual bathtubs, which just happen to be located outdoors in their scenic backyard. Due to the age of my matches, I would find it highly likely that Mr. Bubbles needs to pop a pill before jumpin’ in the tub!

And lastly, there is always at least one guy who has ridiculous expectations of the age ranges of his potential mates. This week, one 52-year old (who looked older) is seeking women aged 35-51. Okay, it is math time again. He is comfortable dating a woman 17 years his junior (a little on the creepy side), but cannot date a woman his own age. (She has to be at least a year younger than him.) WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?????? After more than six months of reading profiles, I still fail to understand the insecurity of men who cannot date/marry a woman their own age, or even a few years older. Especially, when they look MUCH OLDER THAN THEIR AGE!

And, that folks, is all she wrote. I hope you had a good week, and that your summer is in full swing. Our summer has been anything but “lazy,” and appears to be passing at lightening speed. I will write more about that in another post!

Two milestones have been reached this weekend. First, yesterday marked six months since subscribing to the first online dating site and my commitment to writing this journal of sorts. It also marks the end of my subscription to said first site. There are no regrets about the time and money invested in this membership. I did not meet Mr. Right, but I did extract lots of material for this blog from the countless profiles I read. This leaves me with just one site, where one must tread carefully due to a high level of scammers, con artists and just flat out liars, who are all considered my “match.”

Summer is in full swing, especially with this the Fourth of July weekend. Over this long holiday, there will plenty of opportunities for swimming, barbecuing, firework displays and motorcycling. Motorcycles you say? There were several Harley dudes lookin for love in this week’s matches. (In fact, one 57-year old biker posted no photo of himself, but did include a snazzy photo of his shiny, metallic blue Harley!)  Come along for a ride through this week’s peek at profiles……

One gent wants his match to know, “I’m a guy who will kiss you in the rain, your bedroom, or in a restaurant.” I’m not sure why I felt the need to jot this phrase down? It just struck me as kind of funny. Anyway, I think I prefer singin in the rain! He also loves to watch “Dancing with the Stars,” which I thought was mostly a chick show. At least he didn’t mention “Two and a Half Men.” (You must read an earlier post for clarification.)

Under “Favorite Things,” one 45-year old said, “I am pretty much steak and potatoes, but I did try asparagus yesterday.” My son’s pediatrician once told us, “As you grow older, your taste buds grow up, too.” I am happy to hear that Mr. Meat and Potatoes has experienced a growth spurt with his own taste buds and is actually eating his veggies!

A second 45-year old was very adamant that “I do not want a player.” (He followed this up by including, “I know that statement coming from a guy is hilarious.”) I don’t know about you, but I did laugh out loud. I had never heard females described as “players,” but my younger, hip hair stylist assured me that there certainly are such women. I just happened to catch a few reruns of  “Sex and the City” the other night, and concluded that Samantha is most definitely a player. Yes, in many ways, women today are certainly giving men a race for the prize as top D-A-W-G.

One faceless, 56-year old listed several things that he is passionate about, including “Hanging out with my two best friends in the whole world, (that would be BFFWW-Best Friends in the Whole World) and zombies.” Huh? How can one be passionate about zombies? I thought they were dead? Does he see dead people? He is also thankful for his “sexual apitite.” Do his sexual conquests include zombies, because I think that is called Necrophilia? He also listed his occupation as “Iowes.” Is that shorthand for “I owe, therefore, I go to work?”

As I mentioned earlier, there were several biker dudes this week. The two most memorable ones included a youthful looking 50-year old and fairer Howard Stern look-a-like. (His long, board-straight blonde hair fell down to his waist.) He is passionate about peace and social justice. Like me, he was born just a little too late to have been an official hippie from the Haight Ashbury/Woodstock era. He wears his hair long and probably also drives an old VW bus spray painted with psychodelic graffiti. I channel my inner hippie by following a vegetarian diet, proudly donning clothing, jewelry and handbags decorated with peace signs, and my politics lean toward liberal. ” My motto is “Peace, Love and Rock-n-Roll!”

The second 55-year old biker guy wrote one of those rambling manifestos I often speak about. I could have reprinted the entire profile here for your entertainment, but for brevity’s sake, I will list a few of his priceless statements:

“Outside, I look like an old, short, fat, bald, grumpy biker….”

“I HATE to shave. I also HATE to do laundry.”

“I have a potty mouth and talk like a sailor. Two of my favorite words are wiener and turd.”

On a much more positive note, I leave you with a few precious quotes one local guy used in his own well-written profile:

“When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered not yelled.”

“Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.”

I hope you pick one or all three to inspire you this week and beyond. There is nothing like a good mantra to steer you back on track if you have temporarily skidded off the road. Thanks for riding (and reading) along this week!

I did not read a lot of profiles this week, but the (chosen) few that I did, provided a fair amount of material.  Those bios, coupled with a flirtatious gesture and one email, confirm that there is a lot of nonsense and game-playing that goes on within these sites. Here are this week’s winners:

Under the heading, “Who has been the most influential person in your life?,” one gent wrote, “I don’t really have a most influential person. I pretty much figured out life by myself.” Really? You must be some kind of genius! You landed on a planet, inhabited by billions of people, of which you have probably crossed paths with at least a few thousand, and not ONE person had some kind of memorable impact on you? I, too, landed on this same planet, have crossed paths with a few thousand people to-date, have been influenced in ways large and small by many and I STILL HAVE NOT FIGURED OUT LIFE!

One “Dudeman” (the actual name he goes by on the dating site) acknowledges that he is short (5’7″). He apologizes for his lack of stature, and then says, “I am still hoping for my growth spurt. Maybe some day….” First of all, 5’7″ is not all that short, so I personally would not even mention it. We single women can actually read, and your height and body type are posted right on your profile. Secondly, never apologize for that which you cannot change. Self confidence is a turn-on for women. And remember, good things often do come in small packages!

One avid beach bum mentioned that he likes putting his toes in the sand with a special person. He wants you to write back if his profile sparked an interest, and then “Let’s see if we can put 20 toes in the sand. Wow! I really dig a guy who can count, especially to 20!

One 54 year-old fella had two things that caught my attention in his profile. The first was the age range of his matches. (This is often a telling portion of a profile.) He is looking for women ages 36-59. Now, let’s do some math here.  Mr. Old Fart will date a woman who is as young as 18 years his junior or merely four years his senior. I do give him credit for even considering women  older than him, (most men do not), but 18 years younger? Kind a creepy, Grandpa! He also mentions that IKEA is a good place to get to know someone. How is that? When I enter an IKEA, I am generally concerned that I will ever find my way out of the maze. I would find it difficult to “get to know someone” while I frantically wander in circles, searching for an exit as I hyperventilate into a brown paper bag!

A 53-year old mail carrier, who posted no less than 25 photos, wrote the majority of his profile with references to fairy tales. He covered Prince Charming, Cinderella, The Seven Dwarfs, Sleeping Beauty, Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretl, and The Beauty and the Beast, to name more than a few! While I desperately want to give him an “A” for effort and creativity, I can’t get past the fact that an aging, presumably heterosexual male wrote a fairy tale-based profile in an effort to attract grown women. I think his “grade” is just a great big question mark with a “Huh?” written beside it!

One Rambo wannabee (he actually posted a photo of himself dressed in camouflage with matching face paint) wrote in great length about hunting with his bow and arrow. He wants his readers to know that “I have hunted all around this great country, and the bounty is amazing.” I want him to know that for nearly six long and painful months, I have hunted all around this great country via online dating sites and the bounty is far less than amazing. In fact, it is down right ridiculous most of the time.

My flirtatious gesture was sent by a 32-year old local guy. His profile mentioned that he was looking for women ages 24-49, he has never been married but does have two children, he is into fitness and works at a local bank. He also wants his potential matches to know that “I enjoy shopping. The woman I am seeking has to love shopping. I can’t have a girl that will be annoyed with having to wait for me outside the stores.” Huh? I did NOT respond to him for a MULTITUDE of reasons. While he was quite attractive and physically fit, I can’t figure out if he is heterosexual, bisexual, metrosexual or just plain confused? Also, as mentioned earlier in this post, an 18-year age difference is just plain creepy when it comes to male-female relationships. It may appear as if someone is looking for a parent rather than a partner. (Just another letter “r” differentiates the two.) But mostly, I took a pass because I have learned after 25 weeks, that there is a fair amount of game-playing and scamming that goes on within these sites. Remember the very scientific stats that were mentioned in an earlier post? Merely 20% of singles (or supposed singles) on these sites are legit! The rest are frauds looking to take advantage of folks just lookin for love!

This brings me to an email sent by a supposed 50 year-old Brazilian native, currently residing in California. Despite the fact that his profile says that he is looking for women ages 37-45, he wrote to my 50-year old self. He said, “I am getting lots of messages from some freaks here. I am planning to cancel my subscription. Wanna chat by email (insert his personal email address)? Can you reply with some private pics if you’re up for it?”  The answer is NO! First of all, you obviously can’t read. I am five years older that your age range. Secondly, you are getting a lot of messages from “freaks” because you live in a state that is notorious for housing “freaks.” Perhaps, you are unaware of that well-known fact because you are not from here? (Brazil? That is a new one. Most scammers are from Russia or Africa. South America is a new one. It does have a certain sexy, daring, Latin flair to it. You get the “A” for creativity this week.) Thirdly, why so quick to begin chatting with me off the dating site? And why the request for “private pics?” Don’t you like any of  the four photos I have already posted? I did not fall for your scam, Mr. Brazil, but I am considering reporting you as a “concern” to the dating site. You folks really are kind of despicable and pathetic.

In an attempt to leave on a “lighter note,” one gent wrote, “I have been told that I am very funny. I know I crack myself up!” I don’t know if I am “very funny,” but I hope that this post at least made the corners of your mouth turn upward. See you next week! The official six-month mark.  UGH!

I stuck to my vow of limited viewing this week. I checked my newest site only twice, mostly so I would have SOMETHING to write about. (There really was no “match” that seemed ultra interesting to me anyway.) My original site is really pulling out the big guns as my renewal date approaches.  As I have mentioned before, for the better part of three months, they have sent me many photoless guys from quite far away. All of a sudden, there is a bumper crop of local bachelors, all a perfect match for me! I think they are trying to convince me that they have more available hometown men, so that I will give them more of my money and another three months. No way! I am done. I suppose with one less site, there will be less material for this blog and potential book, but I am okay with that. I can still get plenty of silly tidbits from site number two, with the lengthy bios that guys write. Here are some snippets from this week:

One guy wrote, “I love dogs, especially Rottweilers.” Me too! I have had six dogs in my lifetime, and our Rottweiler was my favorite. (Shhh. Don’t tell my current Labrador Retriever that I just wrote that! She is already quite shy and lacking in self-esteem. Plus, she is currently wearing the “cone of shame” thanks to recent foot surgery, which is making her even more self-conscious.)

Another local gent mentioned his “best match story to-date.” Apparently, he met up with a woman who has “seen dead people.” Obviously, this was a deal breaker for him.  I wonder what he would think about me and my conversations with my late friend, Debbie? I don’t actually see her, but I do talk to her and believe that she can hear me. I am probably not a match for him either! This same guy also mentioned that he is a “pretty good dancer for a white guy.” I found this comment cute and kind of funny!

One fella found it necessary to inform his readers that “God has been very good to me.” Now, considering the life-altering events that occurred within my family in the past decade (cancer hit the family twice with one fatality, and a diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes for my then seven-year old son), one might presume that “God has been very bad to me. ” Not so. I think that God is very good to EVERYONE. Our human, ego-driven selves often misinterpret life challenges as punishment by a vengeful God, when they really are just opportunities for personal growth granted to us by a God that knows only love.

At least three men have mentioned that they like to shop. One guy specifically stated that he likes rifling through the racks at TJ Maxx. (This is one of my favorite stores, where I, too, can be found sifting through the aisles of clothes, shoes and kitschy home goodies.) Another guy mentioned that he especially likes shopping WITH women for clothes. I had to read that line twice to make sure that he did not say, “I like shopping FOR women’s clothes.” There is a HUGE difference!

Under favorite things, one guy wrote, “I got a Harley.” The latent grammar coach in me just had to correct this with, “I have a Harley, and I am pretty sure that Joan will NOT be going for a ride!”

My all time favorite quote this week came from a Bill Gates look-alike who spends most of his free time in Boy Scout related activities. Under “Most important thing I am looking for, ” he wrote, ” In general terms, a lady in public and passionate in the bedroom.” I recognize slightly altered plagiarism when I see it. I think the correct phrasing of this famous line is, ” I am looking for a lady in public and a whore in the bedroom, ” or something along those lines. Wow, boy scouts have really changed over the years! Perhaps, they finally figured out that all of that knot tying they learn comes in handy with the ladies hookers.

Thanks for reading along this week. Remember, I don’t write em, I just repeat em. I could NOT make this s_ _ _  up! (I have taken a no cussing vow again.)  Have a good weekend and an even better week. Summer officially begins on Tuesday. Funny thing, we never really had a spring in our neck of the woods!

I was back this week, but in my new, limited way. I have only checked my second dating site once, but have been on the original site a few times. (They must have gotten wind that I am about to cancel my subscription, so they are inundating me with matches nearly everyday, with some even from my home state and town!) It has been freeing to only read certain profiles, which also resulted in fewer notes in my handy, dandy notebook. This left me more time to deal with yet another breakdown of a young, major home appliance (my four-year old washer), and my duties as chauffeur to Miss Daisy, formerly known as my son, M. I am currently trying to figure out the intentions of a certain male at my gym, who as Mick Jagger sings, “Is just dying to meet me.” (I think!) I can’t determine if he is just shy, uncertain of my own “hooked up” status, married, or ALL of the above. The “married thing” would NOT be cool, and would add an ugly chapter to this book-in-the-making.

Here are a few nice, funny and silly items plucked from profiles this week:

One kind gentleman wrote this under the heading, The Most Influential Person in my Life: ” My son because of the way he behaved during his fight with cancer (he won!)” To this I say,”AWESOME!” I love to hear about yet another cancer survivor. Also, kudos to dad for recognizing and acknowledging this in his profile.

One funny guy wrote the following under “Occupation:” CPA (Car parking attendant). Cute! I think that I might begin using CPA as my own acronym for occupation: Certified Profile Analyzer. I think I have earned this title after reading approximately 300-400 profiles over a five-month period!

One Harley riding dude wrote this under Favorite Things: “Cooking, remodel rooms and sewing (yes, I can sew pretty well.)” I kind of like this guy. He is definitely in touch with his masculine AND feminine sides, sort of like the music artist, Prince.

And, last but not least, my favorite from a 46-year old with a “supposed PhD.,” who was quite chatty with his profile. First, he posted 25 photos (a bit over done, don’t you think?) that included two close-up shots of his tattoos. Nice! He wants the reader to know that, “The partner in crime and life thang sounds good to me.” (I, too, am looking for a life partner, but was going to try to steer clear of committing any crimes at this stage in my life.) He has been told that he is an attractive man who is 6 feet, 210 lbs. He plays high stakes Blackjack, and has played in casinos just about everywhere. He has also studied (extensively) and fought full contact Bushido. (I had to look that up. It is a Japanese samurai warrior martial arts “thang.”) Under favorite things, he listed music, TV shows, college football and foods, and wrote “sugar sucks.” This modern-day Clyde (looking for his Bonnie) is WAY TOO much man for me, and while I know that “sugar sucks” from a nutritional perspective, I can’t live without it!

That’s all for this week. I kind of like the brevity of this post with its sugar sweet ending. See you next time.

I took last week off. The beginning of June marked the fifth month of this blogging journal. After 20 weeks of reading profiles and then documenting the good, the bad and the ugly, coupled with a second negative experience with an individual I met online, I just needed to take a break. I will not write with any detail about specific negative experiences I have encountered for two reasons. The first is that some things should remain private and confidential and not be broadcast to the world via the ever-permanent internet. (This is not to say that I have not verbally shared these stories with family, friends and/or co-workers.) Secondly, I will not give “life” to negativity. If you are familiar with the laws of the universe, you already know that positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative. I do not wish to invite anymore “negative” into my life. It finds me just fine on its own, often in the form of adult bullies and individuals with lots of baggage. I do consider myself a positive person who sees the glass as half full. I believe that if you lined up ALL of the people in the world, you would find that MOST people are good. (Watching the evening news might portray a different view with its incessant focus on war and terrorism.) With that said, I also believe that when you are dealing with people on the internet, whether it be online dating, chat rooms, blogs, etc,. you must proceed with caution. The adage, “most people in the world are good” changes to “most people are bad until they prove otherwise.” A male friend recently quoted this statistic-75% to 80% of people on online dating sites are bad. (My super-duper math brain tells me that if you believe P. and his stats, only 20% to 25% of possible “matches” are good.) While at first this seemed like a doomsday sort of revelation, I would probably have to agree that he is right.

In early July, one of my dating sites comes up for its three-month renewal, at which time I will cancel my subscription. This will come at no great loss other than the money and time I have already invested. For the past ten weeks or so, they rarely send me any matches, and when they do, the vast majority have no photo and live HUNDREDS of miles away! I have also decided to be more selective in the profiles that I read. (I used to read all of the ones I was sent if for nothing else than possible “material” for this blog.) Now, I read only the profiles whose photos match my “type” (see Week 20 for details), and I am also limiting myself to checking the site only twice per week. Quite frankly, so many of the profiles are beginning to sound like one giant, run-on sentence. I become extremely bored reading through them, much like I did with an American history assignment in high school.

I continually remind myself that online dating is merely ONE avenue for meeting a potential mate. It is still much more important to remain engaged in my everyday life where I have opportunities to meet people through friends and co-workers, the gym, my writing group, and yes, even the supermarket! The biggest step I have made to-date was just deciding that after ten years of widowhood (and a “little” other drama mixed in), I was finally ready to meet someone. The rest is up to God and his co-pilot-my guardian angel, Debbie.

This week was drama-filled, just like so many others this Spring. My five-year old hot water heater sprung a leak and had to be replaced. (I am pretty sure that in the not-so-distant past, major home appliances earned more mileage than a handful of years, but as the saying goes,” They sure don’t make ’em like they used to.”) My mom was also readmitted to the hospital, where she is being treated for a host of fairly challenging medical issues. It is a good thing that I had my online dating sites as a welcome distraction. (Did I just say “welcome?”). My theme this week is “out of my box.”

I do not believe that I have ever mentioned that I intended to go “outside of my box” while searching for a mate this time around. (My goal was to broaden my view without the confines of my invisible cardboard walls.) From a physical standpoint, I have ALWAYS been attracted to a very narrow sampling of men, which generally consisted of dark-haired gents with a certain lean/fit body type, and the occasional bodybuilder thrown in. (This does NOT include the physique of a once former Mr. Olympia, now America’s newest D.A.W.G.-Arnold Schwarenegger.) I am quickly learning that this portion of my approach is not likely to meet with success. When I am flipping through the photos that gents post with their profiles, I am repeatedly drawn to my tried and true type. I cannot help it! I am, however, having more success climbing outside of my box when it comes to flirting and initiating contact with men. I have never been a flirt in its truest sense, but am attempting to learn more about this harmless, rather fun ritual. (It is definitely easier to flirt on paper-think email-than it is in person, though I am working on perfecting both methods.) I am also emailing guys whose profiles I find attractive, knowing full well that my interest might not be reciprocated. I have emailed several guys and have had at least two write back who very kindly and politely informed me that for one reason or another we are not a match. I did not take this as rejection in any form, because I am fully aware that the universe knows who Mr. Right is, and it will be blatantly evident to me when he does show up. To repeat, as I said last week, I am just tryin’ on jeans, or as it goes in the male version of Cinderella, I am just going from guy to guy trying to determine whose foot fits into the glass slipper. (Okay, maybe not      a glass slipper, but a new pair of Nike’s that were left behind when his Ferrari morphed into a pumpkin!) With that said, it was kind of a fun-filled week in cyberspace. Here are a few of the highlights:

My favorite email chain began with a Swedish transplant who resides in my home state. (I am questioning whether he is really Swedish, because he is not blonde-a good thing for my “box issue”-and he has yet to mention anything about a love of meatballs-a good thing for my “vegetarian issue.”) Anyway, Sven (as I will refer to him for anonymity’s sake) asked me an interesting question in his very first email. He wanted to know if  I had a temper, since he rarely feels the need to yell. I responded by telling him that I do not believe that I have am prone to screaming outbursts, but I am a Leo and we can be feisty at times! We have moved our conversation off of the dating service site to a Google vs. Yahoo communication, but I had a small issue with the correct spelling of his address, so the conversation has lagged a bit over the past day or so. I am not sure that he is the ONE, but his broken english expressions and doting compliments are cute, sweet and entertaining, and at this early stage, that is about all that I need to hold my interest.

There were some memorable quotes and photos this week. Here are a few of my favorites:

“I enjoy a woman who can make a good meal.” To this I say, “Get your head out of the 1950’s and join us in the 21st century. June Cleaver is now the CEO of a major, Fortune 500 company, and she pays a man to cook for her!”

“I see the humor in things like Spongebob, and I have a pet snail named, “Gary.” This fellow might want to meet R. who posted a photo of himself with a LEGO house that he built. I had written a somewhat lengthy comeback for these two, but decided to refrain from passing any kind of judgement. They may not be for me, but they are hopefully a match for someone else.

After reading countless profiles written by aging, American males, I have noticed that when listing their top TV shows, many of them cite the sitcom, “Two and a Half Men,” as a favorite. (This was BEFORE Charlie Sheen had a split with reality, and the show temporarily went into limbo/reruns.) I am not surprised in the least that this particular program is a hit with the fellas. Charlie’s character (ironically named, “Charlie”) has to be the envy of men everywhere. He is a successful, confirmed bachelor with a high alcohol tolerance and a great ocean side home in Malibu, who regularly beds young, hot, voluptuous females without even the hint of an STD. I am pretty sure that Charlie’s life and lifestyle represent the equivalent of nirvana for the vast majority of living and breathing males over the age of sixteen.

And that is all she wrote-well almost! I will still attempt to stick a toe or two outside the comforts of my old familiar box to test the waters in unchartered territory, however, do not find fault with me if I end up sticking with the same old, same old. I really don’t think that we get to pick who we “click” with, be it in friendships or more intimate relationships. Some people pass through our lives briefly as acquaintances, and others are meant to have a more meaningful, longer lasting impact. I am grateful to have crossed paths with both.