The first half of this week was somewhat stressful and hectic. Over the weekend, my almost-85 year old mother was admitted to the hospital for a mild case of pneumonia AND a blood clot in her lung. (I took her to the ER on the Saturday before Mother’s Day, as she was experiencing difficulty breathing.) Needless to say, the day dedicated to moms was spent conferring with the hospital about her scans and lab work.  There was little room for celebration, but that can always be done on another day. As the work and school week quickly approached, one glance at the calendar reminded me that it is May and there is ALWAYS lots to do involving my son. Monday started off with an all-day tennis tournament, then saxophone lessons, then a one-and-a-half hour trombone concert. Tuesday and Wednesday brought more music-oriented, after school activities. In between work and chauffeuring, I headed to the hospital for a quick check on mom. Hump Day finally brought some good news. First, my mom got released to the skilled nursing facility where she lives for a few days of rehab designed to rebuild her strength and stamina. Secondly, this aging mom (me) got a flirtatious communication from a 40-year old Texas hottie on one of the dating sites. The week was definitely turning around! I am also grateful that I had an opportunity to read a lot of nicely written profiles. (I would not have had a lot of time to jot down the silly things guys say in their self-advertisements, anyway.) There are just a few quotes that made it into my notebook this week.

First, there were two interesting notations that had to do with occupation or income. One guy listed his income level at $150,000 plus. He was looking for a female that listed her salary range at $150,000 plus as well. My question is, are there really a lot of women out there earning those types of salaries, but more importantly, are they also on online dating websites?? They have the ability to skip all of the nonsense and frustration that goes along with this process because they have the means with which to BUY A MAN if they are so inclined. The second comment was embedded in a lengthy profile written by a local guy. His list of “wants” in his woman required that she be employed. I thought this was kind of funny, but valid. If women expect a potential match to have a job (and this woman does), men should be entitled to the same requirement. They must be ever-vigilant in sniffing out the gold digger, or worse yet, the bankrupt, shopaholic, who recently foreclosed on her home and is lookin’ for a place to crash.

My very favorite passage is re-written here in its exact form: “I tend to be attracted to guys who are more outgoing and more social than I am, but that has not always been the case.” I read this more than once, and ruled out a typo for the word “guys.” (The keys are too far apart for the accidental misspelling of  “gals” or “girls.”) I think this is a classic case of the Freudian Slip. As I have done before, I would refer this gent to the homosexual online dating service, “Homolicious.”

One cute, British gentleman was very specific in the type of female he is hoping to hook up with: ” I don’t want the skinny thing either…..and this is why I prefer the soft and curvy models rather than the ones with sharp corners.” I am pretty sure that at least in the United States he will be successful in landing a “soft and curvy model.” There aren’t too many anorexic, “sharp-cornered” gals running lose, especially at this age.

A rather self-condident dude painted the following description of himself: “I am a fabulous catch……and good-looking, too.” Isn’t it up to the interviewer (me) to determine if you are good-looking AND a great catch? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and fishermen are a the best judges of a “great catch!”

Late in the week, I received the following email from a hometown bachelor: “Just wanted to drop you a line to tell you I think that you are cute and a great “catch” for someone. I’m most likely a little lazy and laid back for you, but wish you the best in your search.” He is probably correct in assuming we would not be a match. First, I am 100% German, and therefore allergic to “lazy.” Secondly, my hyper, Energizer Bunny personality runs over “laid back” like a Mack truck. I did write him back, thanking him for the kind words. It was greatly appreciated. It is yet another affirmation that there really are nice guys out there!

In closing, I leave you with a newly conjured up perspective on the whole dating process-online or not. I came up with a women-friendly analogy that looking for a mate is kind of like trying on jeans in a department store. (This could also work for swimwear, depending on the time of year.) You can try on a hundred pairs of jeans before you find the ONE pair that fits your waist, hips and butt, and DOESN’T MAKE YOU LOOK FAT! The mountain of discarded jeans strewn (in frustration) on the floor do not take it personally that you aren’t a match. They realize that someday, a gal will stroll in, choose them off the rack, and after a trip to the fitting room, will take THEM home! Good luck to all you jeans guys and gals out there searching for the perfect fit.

It was a rather quiet week, which is always welcome as far as weird and wacky profiles is concerned. My original dating site provided only seven matches, and several of those had either no photo and/or very short profiles. Here is a recap of my favorite matches:

One guy from my home state had four red flags in his profile: 1. No mention of family (Okay, perhaps you never reproduced yourself, but what about parents, siblings, cousins?) 2. Neither spiritual nor religious (You gotta pick one, or people,like me,will think you are a non-believer) 3. Retired attorney (I am not  particularly fond of lawyers-they are part of what is wrong with the world.) 4. No photo with a brief bio (More about photos later……)

My favorite occupation of the week was from D. in a neighboring state. He listed “Procurement” as his profession. Now, I had a relatively good idea about what “procurement” meant, but I looked it up anyway. Imagine my surprise when I read definition #2 in my Webster’s New World Dictionary: “to obtain women for the purpose of prostitution.” It appears that D. is a pimp, and he is online looking for women. He also wants you to know that “When I am in a relationship, I expect it to be monogamous.” (FYI…When words such as “honest, trustworthy, faithful, monogamous” appear in a profile, it is generally a good indicator that this individual was betrayed by a spouse or significant other.) Apparently, D. had previously been hooked up with Mrs.D., who turned out to be a D-A-W-G. I hope his ventures in “procurement” secure him a relationship with a non-cheating female.

From my second dating site, come a few great quotes embedded in the often lengthy dissertations I spoke about last week. One guy wants you to know that “I catch spiders and toss them outside.” Now, I had to smile when I read this, because I too, have been known to catch a tiny spider and release it back into the wild (okay, my front yard.) The difference between me and this gent is that I would not include this information in a profile that I was writing in an effort to attract members of the opposite sex. I would save my little idiosyncrasies for a later date-much later!

Another 58-year old gent had several interesting comments in his lengthy bio.  Here are my favorite peeks into his psyche:

1. “I know that I can be a piece of work at times.” (A painting by Van Gogh should be a “piece of work,” NOT a potential mate.)

2. “I am kind of a Boy Scout with an edge.” (What does that mean? Is he a pubescent, pimply teenage boy that has a knife and knows how to use it?)

3. “I open doors, hold chairs and even put the seat down afterwards.” (Okay, I was with you with the gentleman stuff, but did not need to know about your bathroom etiquette.)

4. “I’m not perfect, nor an angel, don’t claim to be.” (I figured that out with number one-“I am a piece of work.”)

5. “Not interested in one night stands.” (At the age of 58, I seriously doubt that he can “entertain” a female for an entire night, even if it is just one. But hey, with the invention of Viagra, you just never know…..)

I am still developing a teaching plan for my profile writing class, and one guy this week reminded me of material that I must include. I was emailed by a 52-year old match who lives in my city. He had at least three red flags that were apparent early on. First potential red flag: He states that he has been single for quite some time, which always perks up my ears, because it has been my experience that men do not stay single very long. His reasoning for the extended bachelorhood was valid, because like me, he has focused his time and energy raising his two kids. Fair enough. Second red flag: His profile had four pictures on it, which showed him with two small children. In an email, he told me that his kids were 14 and 17. (His profile said that they were 11 and 14.) Two problems here. He is advertising himself on an online dating site with a profile that was written at least three years ago, and with photos that are probably at least 12 years old. Really? I can assure you that I do NOT look the same as I did 12 years ago. (I had far fewer wrinkles, and my neck did not look like it belonged to a chicken!) So here it is guys. Please, occasionally read and update your profile, and by all means, post photos that are current. I know that most people (with the exception of “players” and narcissists) generally do not like to be photographed and then have them displayed on the internet, but it is part of the deal when looking for love. If I can post current photos, so can you. Play fair! Third and final BRIGHT RED flag: He closed an email to me with this sentence, “Please write back soon.” Sorry, but that phrase has a strong hint of desperation to it, which is a little unsettling to me, to say the least. A better way to express interest would be to say, “Hope to hear from you soon so we can continue the dialog.” Needless to say, I did NOT write back. He was waving way too many flags for me!

As always, thanks for reading this week. Happy Mother’s day to all you moms! Hope your guy is good to you today (and always.)

My workload has increased significantly, as I try to manage an additional dating site.  It is a good thing that the original site has all but dried up. They did send me 12 matches, but there were a several short profiles, and the rest supplied little fodder.  (Though do not worry-there is some. There always is.) I am becoming more keenly aware with the passing of each week, that my mission this year is four-fold.  First, as my cousin and I declared on January 1st, it is the Year of the Man. This basically means that we are hoping to find one-a good one. Secondly, I have used online dating as a means to write more, which I have. Thirdly, maybe, just maybe, I can translate all of this wonderful material into a book that actually gets published.  (This one is a stretch, but it is worth wishing for.) And lastly, it has become increasingly obvious to me that I must develop some kind of course for these poor, aging guys who appear to be having great difficulty in crafting a decent bio of themselves.  Below are the reasons why number four is crucial.

I actually hate to even pick on this particular 57-year-old man, as he is a widower and talks very positively about his deceased wife. (He mentions that he is thankful for the time he had together with her. Very sweet!) The only “mistake” that he made in his profile is under the category, “What are you looking for?”  He wrote this: “smart intellegent funny.” (It was written just like that.) I think that “smart” and “intelligent” are basically the same thing, so he should have just written “smart,” which was spelled correctly.

Under the category, “I Can’t Live Without,” these are my top picks for this week, rewritten in their original form: Gatorade, my bratchild (daughter), my electronic leash (phone), sensuous sex with a committed partner (at least he is looking for a commitment and not a prostitute), happyness.

There were two favorite photos this week.  The first, taken on a golf course, was of four men dressed in blue “grass skirts.” I could not tell exactly which of the four was the guy “lookin for love,” as none of the them looked like the primary photo of my match. Maybe he just liked this photo and stuck it on there? The second photo, taken in a kitchen, was definitely staged. It had the guy leaning against the counter, “reading” a cookbook.” I give him an “A” for creativity, though, perhaps a better photo might have actually shown him slaving over a stove. I absolutely dig a guy who can read, but a real catch is one who actually can cook.

The second dating site that I am enrolled in has a different setup for profiles. Basically, you write a paragraph about yourself that might include personal information, a list of what you are looking for, and your interests and hobbies. What I have found with this approach is that some guys do not limit themselves to a paragraph. They actually write an entire dissertation. I have actually found myself nodding off about halfway through some of them. (Now to be fair, I have experienced a certain amount of sleep deprivation these past two weeks, as the city I live in has been under attack by weather! These attacks occur anywhere between 1:00 AM and 5:00 AM, making it difficult to actually stay asleep, especially when the tornado sirens are going off. Please forgive me as I once again bitch complain about our weather!) Here are a few quotes from some of the bios. (They were so entertaining, I was able to stay awake and document them in their original form.)

“I have my original head of hair as well as set of teeth…..The only things in my life that I have been truly been scared of are snakes and my 4th grade teacher.” To him I say “thank you” for letting me know that you are not wearing a wig or dentures, however, I need a guy who is NOT afraid of snakes just in case one takes up residence in my backyard!

“I have to have a great sense of humor with my last name being Pancake.” There are two recommendations for this guy. First, I don’t think it is good idea to include your last name on a dating site that lists your city and state. If some crazy, stalker chick was trying to find you, I am pretty sure there aren’t too many “Pancakes” in your local phone directory. Secondly, I would look into changing my last name to “Cupcake” instead. It has a sweeter, cuter ring to it.

“I may not be the match you are looking for, but I am definitely unlike anyone else you have met before. It will be the rare and unique woman that matches with me.”  I have just two words for this guy: GOOD LUCK!

“If you’re looking for money, keep on looking.” I actually agree with this one. I am sure that men have to be vigilant in weeding out the “Gold Diggers.” It can’t be easy!

“If you are in search of a six-pack abs, metro sexual guy that wants to get a pedicure and manicure each time you go, please move onto the next profile.” This one actually had me thinking. First, are there really women out there looking for metro sexuals? I cannot imagine that particular male archetype ranking high on a woman’s radar as she sets out in search of Mr. Right. Secondly, do women actually invite their men along for mani’s and pedi’s? Usually, this type of spa time is best enjoyed solo, as in quality “me time.” Why would a woman want to drag her fella along? And, more importantly, who wants a guy with painted nails or a french manicure?

This next quote was written by a guy who is a grain farmer. (I felt that he was deserving of an introduction.) He says, “It is of absolute importance that you like John Deere.” Now, I am intelligent enough to know that he is probably referring to some type of farm equipment made by John Deere, the company. However, if a woman not familiar with lawn or farm equipment were to read this, she might interpret his quote as a reference to a “threesome-” her, farmer dude, AND his friend, John D. This quote might warrant further clarification.

My hands down favorite quote of the week came from a guy who mentions that he likes portraying different characters. (A second match that just might be displaying signs of Multiple Personality Disorder.) He said the following: “If we end up sleeping together, you just might wake up next to Jimmy Stewart.” This COMPLETELY CREEPED ME OUT BECAUSE JIMMY STEWART IS DEAD!

So there you have it. Don’t you agree that I just might need to begin devoting some time to developing a profile writing course for men? I think that it could be a lucrative business. See you next week!

My online dating service has hit a major brick wall. I  received a mere three matches this week-one lives eight hours away, one had no photo and an extremely short bio, and the last one was from my home state with a decent profile.  Obviously, my service is running out of options for me. Due to the gentle nudging of two people-a cousin and complete stranger-I reactivated my account with another online dating service. In the first four days, I have been contacted by a few men, and traded several emails with one guy in particular, which led to a phone call. So far, it has been less “creepy” than my previous experience, and the vast majority of profiles have been well-written. It has been suggested to me that men begin to finally mature around age 45. This is encouraging information. It may help me to remain faithful to my commitment to this process, and therefore, keep me off the ledge!

There were four days this week where I received no matches, so I ended up with only five choices. Needless to say, my soul mate was not among this week’s picks. There were two with no photos, and one of these summarized himself in just nine words. Under “Occupation,” there was a construction worker who spends his leisure time fishing and hunting (not a match for an animal-loving, vegetarian), a physician, and one gent who wrote, “Father, Student, Retired (Air Force).” My MOST favorite occupation came from a 46-year old, apparently successful guy.  He wrote, “President.” Since he was one of the two with missing photos, I immediately thought that President Obama was on eHarmony, but then I noticed that Washington D.C. was not his place of residence. Also, by all news accounts, Mr. Obama is happily married to Michelle. For J. from the Midwest, I believe a better title for his occupation might be “Executive.” It helps fifty-something, single women stay less confused!      

Since there were fewer profiles to read this week, I used the extra time to tweak my own profile a bit.  I had a family member read my bio as it has been posted for over three months now, and asked him to offer some constructive criticism from a male perspective. He did make a few suggestions, which I thought were valid, so I updated my answers in an effort to possibly have them resonate with more potential mates. I am also being strongly encouraged by a female family member to register with a second dating site. I am still on the fence about this suggestion. Her belief is that it would broaden my chances of finding someone. While she is most likely correct in her assumption, it would definitely provide more fodder for this blog. I am not sure I am up for more “fodder.” It can be exhausting at times to document all of the ridiculous and less-than-steller content of the fifty-something, male profile.

My dating service is really searching the far corners of the earth for my mate. (Well, maybe just the Midwest and East, but it sure does seem far!) Out of a total of 26 matches, only two were from my home state. I did email one guy who lives about five hours away. I received a reply from the dating service that he accepted my communication, but I have never received an actual communication from him. Oh, well. Here is a recap of my favorites responses this week:

Under “Occupation,” one guy wrote that he operates a nuclear power plant. You don’t see that everyday, plus I wonder if I actually saw him the dark, would he glow? Another fellow wrote, ” I provide a service that goes house to house.” My first thought was that he delivers milk, or is a Fuller Brush salesman, but then I realized that this isn’t the 60’s. After reading further along in his profile, he lets you know that he is a mail carrier. He also mentions that he is looking for a “girl that is loving and caring.” He is 54 years old and looking for a girl? That sounds kind of pedophile creepy.

Under “Things I Can’t Live Without,” there were some new and interesting answers: My Rav4, spell check, cashmere, cheesecake, protein powder, my tailor (who says that?) and greasy french fries. (This last one was written by a guy who tells you he is passionate about physical fitness. Exercise, maybe- proper nutrition, no.)

Under “Additional Information I Want You to Know,” one gent actually wrote, “I look 10 years younger than my age” (which is 55.) I flipped through a few photos of this Dick Clark wannabee, and I would have to disagree. Anyway, who would write that about themself? Another guy wants you to know, “I have all of my teeth.” I am happy to hear that you apparently brush and floss daily. It it what 9 out of 10 dentists recommend!

I did have my third somewhat odd character show up this week. In the very first section of his profile, under “The One Thing I Am Passionate About, ” he wrote, “I love the physics in the new bowling scene, angular momentum, coefficient of friction, speed vs. rpms, etc. WHAT? Or as Sarah Palin says, “WTF????” He goes on to tell you that he “Loves to bowl as much as his body can tolerate.” Under “Leisure Time,” he wrote, “Sex is the greatest activity when done right. Cuddling and watching TV are overrated.” Needless to say, I had to let this one get away. Hopefully, far away!

I am still recovering from knee surgery, and thus feeling less than attractive as I drag around my swollen limb. I have graduated from two crutches, to one crutch and now to a cane, and remain hopeful that this may be the week that I regain my normal gait. This really is my one true wish for now.

April 2nd marked the end of a three-month subscription to my online dating service. My account automatically renewed for an additional 90 days. My total financial investment thus far is $216.80. Other than the 13 posts to this blog, I have very little to show for this rather large outflow of cash. I take a moment to envision all of the new shoes and/or Spring clothes that could have been purchased with this money, or how it would come in handy in paying off my newly acquired medical bills. Oh well, you can’t put a price on searching the globe for love!

This week, 17 matches were sent to me. There were six profiles with no photos, a few bad spellers and at least two Harley dudes. On fellow, a former Army Sergeant Major, is looking for a “golf buddy.” Aren’t there hundreds of “golf buddies” at your local course? Another fellow hopes to meet someone who is “relatively low maintenance.” My answer to that is, “Aren’t we all?” Another gent, who I suspect may have been the victim of spousal cheating, is looking for someone “loyal and honest.” He goes on to say, “Besides, lying is a sin.” Ouch! I think his wound still stings. Another 57-year old bachelor was very upfront in letting potential mates know that he declared bankruptcy about four years ago. I’m not so sure I would share that kind of information in a profile. Some things just might need to be revealed down the road-like after a few dates.

Under the section, “Books I Have Read, ” one tall AND big guy (his words) shares that he is not an avid reader. He says, “I ask you not to hold that against me as I am a very intelligant man.” Smart? Maybe. A spelling bee champion? Probably not!

One forty-something guy from landlocked Toledo, Ohio wants you to know that he can’t live without, “The smell of ocean water.” I wonder how he is alive? I checked my map and there is no ocean water in northern Ohio. He is also looking for someone “exceptional.” That word sounds like a synonym for “perfect.” Good luck finding her. Under additional information I want you to know, he shares a laundry list of items:

“I have good credit. I do not go to bars, (which goes together with) I do not do drugs and I barely drink. I drive many new cars and collect vintage. I am humble. I am confident.” I felt like I was reading an elementary school essay where the assignment was to complete this sentence, ” I am ……….”

I must admit that I have been merely going through the motions these past few weeks in seeking a mate. It is hard to feel “attractive” when you are hobbling around on one crutch, dragging a lincoln log for a leg. I have lost nearly all of the muscle mass in my newly repaired extremity, and the rest of me feels flabby as well. This is what happens to a 50-year old body when you lay around all day with your leg propped up, staring at the spackled ceiling of your bedroom. I hope to be back on BOTH feet soon, able to successfully prowl for men.

I must admit that “dating” was the last thing on my mind this week.  On Tuesday, March 22nd, I had arthroscopic knee surgery. I am hobbling around on crutches, nursing the grapefruit that exists where my left knee once was. I did manage to check my dating service site almost daily, with 19 matches showing up this week. The very mast majority live several states and miles away. (So much for the “300 mile radius” that I set.) Apparently, my service is getting nervous that I am still looking after nearly three months, and is searching the country (and Canada) for ANYONE with a pulse that might be a possibility. On a positive note, there were several “Dad of the Year” candidates this week. A few good men listed their children as their “passion,” which in my book is a REALLY good answer! They also went on to mention that they are enthusiastic/passionate about “living life to the fullest.” Nicely done. I knew that YOU were out there.

There were several interesting answers that showed up under the “Five Things I Can’t Live Without” category. In no particular order, they include: Internet, At least one good radio station, The History Channel, My Blackberry, Pizza, Money, Cookies, and my personal favorite, “Me.” You can’t live without yourself? He needs to meet R. from a southern state, who lists himself as the most influential person in his life. You two could meet up for coffee and discuss which one is more self-absorbed. They might also want to invite E. from the Midwest, who wants you to know that he is “in very good shape,” and that his match “must also be in good shape, and work on it in the gym or in any other way.” He is self-absorbed and controlling!

One fine doctor listed his ex-wife as the most influential person in his life. He gave the nod to her because, “She taught me many things, and took me to highs and lows that I had never seen before nor since.” Wow! She sounds like a keeper! How did you let her get away?

One apparently fatigued gent wants you to know that “sleep is a priority.” I can picture him in front of the TV, reclined in his La-Z-Boy snoring away, stocking up on beauty sleep. Shhhhh. We don’t want to wake him.

The winning answer in this week’s profiles was under the “Additional Information That I Want You to Know” category. One mystery man (no photo) from my home state wants you to know that “I am anything but your normal.” I am sorry to say that I did not write to him, because I like normal. Normal is safe, predictable, and usually does not require meds. I hope he finds his own “Abby Normal.”

My three-month membership is close to expiring. I do plan to renew, despite the fact that there has been little return on my initial investment. Suze Orman would not approve.