My workload has increased significantly, as I try to manage an additional dating site.  It is a good thing that the original site has all but dried up. They did send me 12 matches, but there were a several short profiles, and the rest supplied little fodder.  (Though do not worry-there is some. There always is.) I am becoming more keenly aware with the passing of each week, that my mission this year is four-fold.  First, as my cousin and I declared on January 1st, it is the Year of the Man. This basically means that we are hoping to find one-a good one. Secondly, I have used online dating as a means to write more, which I have. Thirdly, maybe, just maybe, I can translate all of this wonderful material into a book that actually gets published.  (This one is a stretch, but it is worth wishing for.) And lastly, it has become increasingly obvious to me that I must develop some kind of course for these poor, aging guys who appear to be having great difficulty in crafting a decent bio of themselves.  Below are the reasons why number four is crucial.

I actually hate to even pick on this particular 57-year-old man, as he is a widower and talks very positively about his deceased wife. (He mentions that he is thankful for the time he had together with her. Very sweet!) The only “mistake” that he made in his profile is under the category, “What are you looking for?”  He wrote this: “smart intellegent funny.” (It was written just like that.) I think that “smart” and “intelligent” are basically the same thing, so he should have just written “smart,” which was spelled correctly.

Under the category, “I Can’t Live Without,” these are my top picks for this week, rewritten in their original form: Gatorade, my bratchild (daughter), my electronic leash (phone), sensuous sex with a committed partner (at least he is looking for a commitment and not a prostitute), happyness.

There were two favorite photos this week.  The first, taken on a golf course, was of four men dressed in blue “grass skirts.” I could not tell exactly which of the four was the guy “lookin for love,” as none of the them looked like the primary photo of my match. Maybe he just liked this photo and stuck it on there? The second photo, taken in a kitchen, was definitely staged. It had the guy leaning against the counter, “reading” a cookbook.” I give him an “A” for creativity, though, perhaps a better photo might have actually shown him slaving over a stove. I absolutely dig a guy who can read, but a real catch is one who actually can cook.

The second dating site that I am enrolled in has a different setup for profiles. Basically, you write a paragraph about yourself that might include personal information, a list of what you are looking for, and your interests and hobbies. What I have found with this approach is that some guys do not limit themselves to a paragraph. They actually write an entire dissertation. I have actually found myself nodding off about halfway through some of them. (Now to be fair, I have experienced a certain amount of sleep deprivation these past two weeks, as the city I live in has been under attack by weather! These attacks occur anywhere between 1:00 AM and 5:00 AM, making it difficult to actually stay asleep, especially when the tornado sirens are going off. Please forgive me as I once again bitch complain about our weather!) Here are a few quotes from some of the bios. (They were so entertaining, I was able to stay awake and document them in their original form.)

“I have my original head of hair as well as set of teeth…..The only things in my life that I have been truly been scared of are snakes and my 4th grade teacher.” To him I say “thank you” for letting me know that you are not wearing a wig or dentures, however, I need a guy who is NOT afraid of snakes just in case one takes up residence in my backyard!

“I have to have a great sense of humor with my last name being Pancake.” There are two recommendations for this guy. First, I don’t think it is good idea to include your last name on a dating site that lists your city and state. If some crazy, stalker chick was trying to find you, I am pretty sure there aren’t too many “Pancakes” in your local phone directory. Secondly, I would look into changing my last name to “Cupcake” instead. It has a sweeter, cuter ring to it.

“I may not be the match you are looking for, but I am definitely unlike anyone else you have met before. It will be the rare and unique woman that matches with me.”  I have just two words for this guy: GOOD LUCK!

“If you’re looking for money, keep on looking.” I actually agree with this one. I am sure that men have to be vigilant in weeding out the “Gold Diggers.” It can’t be easy!

“If you are in search of a six-pack abs, metro sexual guy that wants to get a pedicure and manicure each time you go, please move onto the next profile.” This one actually had me thinking. First, are there really women out there looking for metro sexuals? I cannot imagine that particular male archetype ranking high on a woman’s radar as she sets out in search of Mr. Right. Secondly, do women actually invite their men along for mani’s and pedi’s? Usually, this type of spa time is best enjoyed solo, as in quality “me time.” Why would a woman want to drag her fella along? And, more importantly, who wants a guy with painted nails or a french manicure?

This next quote was written by a guy who is a grain farmer. (I felt that he was deserving of an introduction.) He says, “It is of absolute importance that you like John Deere.” Now, I am intelligent enough to know that he is probably referring to some type of farm equipment made by John Deere, the company. However, if a woman not familiar with lawn or farm equipment were to read this, she might interpret his quote as a reference to a “threesome-” her, farmer dude, AND his friend, John D. This quote might warrant further clarification.

My hands down favorite quote of the week came from a guy who mentions that he likes portraying different characters. (A second match that just might be displaying signs of Multiple Personality Disorder.) He said the following: “If we end up sleeping together, you just might wake up next to Jimmy Stewart.” This COMPLETELY CREEPED ME OUT BECAUSE JIMMY STEWART IS DEAD!

So there you have it. Don’t you agree that I just might need to begin devoting some time to developing a profile writing course for men? I think that it could be a lucrative business. See you next week!