It was a rather quiet week, which is always welcome as far as weird and wacky profiles is concerned. My original dating site provided only seven matches, and several of those had either no photo and/or very short profiles. Here is a recap of my favorite matches:

One guy from my home state had four red flags in his profile: 1. No mention of family (Okay, perhaps you never reproduced yourself, but what about parents, siblings, cousins?) 2. Neither spiritual nor religious (You gotta pick one, or people,like me,will think you are a non-believer) 3. Retired attorney (I am not  particularly fond of lawyers-they are part of what is wrong with the world.) 4. No photo with a brief bio (More about photos later……)

My favorite occupation of the week was from D. in a neighboring state. He listed “Procurement” as his profession. Now, I had a relatively good idea about what “procurement” meant, but I looked it up anyway. Imagine my surprise when I read definition #2 in my Webster’s New World Dictionary: “to obtain women for the purpose of prostitution.” It appears that D. is a pimp, and he is online looking for women. He also wants you to know that “When I am in a relationship, I expect it to be monogamous.” (FYI…When words such as “honest, trustworthy, faithful, monogamous” appear in a profile, it is generally a good indicator that this individual was betrayed by a spouse or significant other.) Apparently, D. had previously been hooked up with Mrs.D., who turned out to be a D-A-W-G. I hope his ventures in “procurement” secure him a relationship with a non-cheating female.

From my second dating site, come a few great quotes embedded in the often lengthy dissertations I spoke about last week. One guy wants you to know that “I catch spiders and toss them outside.” Now, I had to smile when I read this, because I too, have been known to catch a tiny spider and release it back into the wild (okay, my front yard.) The difference between me and this gent is that I would not include this information in a profile that I was writing in an effort to attract members of the opposite sex. I would save my little idiosyncrasies for a later date-much later!

Another 58-year old gent had several interesting comments in his lengthy bio.  Here are my favorite peeks into his psyche:

1. “I know that I can be a piece of work at times.” (A painting by Van Gogh should be a “piece of work,” NOT a potential mate.)

2. “I am kind of a Boy Scout with an edge.” (What does that mean? Is he a pubescent, pimply teenage boy that has a knife and knows how to use it?)

3. “I open doors, hold chairs and even put the seat down afterwards.” (Okay, I was with you with the gentleman stuff, but did not need to know about your bathroom etiquette.)

4. “I’m not perfect, nor an angel, don’t claim to be.” (I figured that out with number one-“I am a piece of work.”)

5. “Not interested in one night stands.” (At the age of 58, I seriously doubt that he can “entertain” a female for an entire night, even if it is just one. But hey, with the invention of Viagra, you just never know…..)

I am still developing a teaching plan for my profile writing class, and one guy this week reminded me of material that I must include. I was emailed by a 52-year old match who lives in my city. He had at least three red flags that were apparent early on. First potential red flag: He states that he has been single for quite some time, which always perks up my ears, because it has been my experience that men do not stay single very long. His reasoning for the extended bachelorhood was valid, because like me, he has focused his time and energy raising his two kids. Fair enough. Second red flag: His profile had four pictures on it, which showed him with two small children. In an email, he told me that his kids were 14 and 17. (His profile said that they were 11 and 14.) Two problems here. He is advertising himself on an online dating site with a profile that was written at least three years ago, and with photos that are probably at least 12 years old. Really? I can assure you that I do NOT look the same as I did 12 years ago. (I had far fewer wrinkles, and my neck did not look like it belonged to a chicken!) So here it is guys. Please, occasionally read and update your profile, and by all means, post photos that are current. I know that most people (with the exception of “players” and narcissists) generally do not like to be photographed and then have them displayed on the internet, but it is part of the deal when looking for love. If I can post current photos, so can you. Play fair! Third and final BRIGHT RED flag: He closed an email to me with this sentence, “Please write back soon.” Sorry, but that phrase has a strong hint of desperation to it, which is a little unsettling to me, to say the least. A better way to express interest would be to say, “Hope to hear from you soon so we can continue the dialog.” Needless to say, I did NOT write back. He was waving way too many flags for me!

As always, thanks for reading this week. Happy Mother’s day to all you moms! Hope your guy is good to you today (and always.)