A mere 29 matches were sent to me this week, about half of my normal payload. It also appears that I have tossed aside all of the local available bachelors, and am now being sent potential matches from a five-state region. (I did set my “radius” to 300 miles, just in case Mr. Right does not live in my hood.) I am sorry to report that even after crossing state lines, I am still safely single.  A somewhat disconcerting trend emerged this week in that nine of my 29 matches posted NO PHOTO.  I used my handy, dandy calculator and figured out that 31% of this week’s profiles (nearly one-third) literally would not show their face. My motto is, “No photo, no chance.” All in all, it was a relatively quiet week on the “weirdometer,” and there actually were some cute guys with nice profiles. Lest you think you had logged on and were not going to be provided with entertainment, I say don’t stop reading yet. There were a few memorable profiles that are worth sharing.

There were two or three writer wannabees  (like me)  in this week’s batch. The first Ernest Hemingway attempted to craft a clever little “want ad” to describe himself and his attributes. While I give him an “A” for effort and creativity, he gets a D minus for spelling. A few samples  include “conosure” (correct spelling is connoisseur), “achemidic” (he used this spelling for academic twice), and “claqssic” (presumably classic). My advice to him would be to type up his paragraph and then either let the computer or one of his kids spell check it.  A second Wizard of Words says that he is “Passionate about the use of language to inspire and compel change.” While that was nice and spoke to the latent linguist in me, he went on to say that he is “Striving to use the better angels of our artistic sense to create real change.” WHAT THE HECK DOES THAT MEAN????? Is he suggesting that there are less-than-better or “bad” angels? I racked my brain and could only come up with the Hells Angels, and I don’t think that they are bad. They organize charity rides for great causes like cancer, and they look kind of cool sitting on their Harley’s with their bandanas and leather jackets.

One guy kind of ruffled my feathers with his answer to the question, “The Most Important Thing I Am Looking For in a Person.” To paraphrase him he said, “Their profession tells a lot about a person.” While I do think that there really are people in the world whose chosen profession truly is their “passion, ” I believe that the vast majority of nine-to-fivers are merely clocking in and out to obtain a paycheck, which provides them (and often their family) with food, shelter, clothing and Starbucks. It is what they do AFTER work or on weekends that often divulges their true gifts or talents. I would hate for someone to define me by my current part-time, administrative assistant position. (I am merely a single mom trying to keep the lights on and food on the table.) If you send me a nice profile with an appealing photo, I might meet you for coffee or dinner and let you know what my true passions and dreams are. You would never learn this by reading my resume! I have now stepped down off of my soap box…….

There were two winning profiles in this week’s stack, and without further ado, here they are:

The Runner-Up profile was from a guy who answered the question, “Additional Information I Want You to Know” with this answer: “I am better looking in the dark.” If I were looking for a bat, I might have sent him a little note, but I am looking for a GUY who looks good in the LIGHT!

Insert drumroll here……..The hands-down, number one winning profile this week came from a 56-year old gent who posted no photo AND listed his occupation as “unemployed.” THEN (I am not done), under “Five Things I Can’t Live Without,” his first answer was “My mother.” I am going to go out on a limb here and say that this guy does not stand a chance in hell of reeling in Ms. Right. To summarize, he has no picture, no job and an Oedipus Complex. My 13-year old son can get away with listing his mother as the number one thing he can’t live without because he is in the middle of puberty and doesn’t even drive. Also, he can’t even remember to brush his teeth without me yelling reminding him 15 times, twice a day!  “Mommy” should not be number one on your list when you are all grown up and past the half-century mark.

There you have it-another week in paradise dating hell. I officially hit the “one-month mark” this week on February 2nd, which coincidentally is Groundhog Day. This can possibly mean six more weeks of cold and snow AND eleven more months of online dating. Thank God for my coat, snow shovel and this blog to get me through winter’s wrath and the profiles of old, single men!

Week three is pretty much a carbon copy of weeks one and two, with one exception. There actually were a couple of attractive men with decent profiles. For whatever reason, I chose not to initiate communication with them (yes, I can be a chicken shit), nor did they write to me, either. Anyway, it was somewhat reassuring to learn that after pouring over nearly 150 perspective suitors,  there really are some good guys on this website. (Okay, there have been about four, but hey, that is a start.) Below is a synopsis of the this week’s lineup, and there definitely are several that are sure to contribute to the entertainment of my ever-faithful audience.

One very husky, endomorphic guy claims that he goes to the gym five days a week. My question is, “Do you actually park your car and go in?” I could be your personal trainer, but I am definitely not your girl.

In my previous posts, I have neglected to mention that in the section that contains one’s basic information, there is a place to list your religious preference. Most people, (myself included), say “Spiritual not religious.” There have been two Jewish guys, and several that list “Christian,” but surprisingly, there have been many that put “Neither religious nor spiritual.” I am going to take a moment here to suggest to these particular folks that they might consider registering with the “Available Atheists” online dating service, where there are bound to be oodles of non-believers. (I always delete these matches. I am looking for someone who believes in some form of a higher power, and they can call her whatever they choose.)

In another question, you are asked to list “The ONE thing that I am passionate about.” Several men have answered this question with “target shooting” and/or “hunting.” Unless you are a police officer who requires handgun training in order to protect yourself while on duty, OR you are Rambo, living alone in the woods, hunting animals for food, I find it disturbing that you would list this under “passion.” Also, and I repeat, vegetarians don’t date hunters or fisherman. If you choose to be a carnivore, please purchase your dead animals at the local grocery store.

Sticking with the category, “ONE passion, “one excellent typist listed 25 places throughout the United States that he has visited. He separated them into two categories: Natural Settings and Historical Settings. Since the category clearly states “ONE THING,” it would have been much easier (and with less risk of developing carpel tunnel syndrome) to just say “Travel.”

Another confused bachelor wrote that his passion is, “I love discussions with my partner, and learning new things from him/her.” Huh? Is he looking for a girl AND a guy? I referred him to the bisexual website, “I swing both ways.com.”

This week, two physicians showed up in my Inbox. The first had not one, but two, interesting answers in his profile. Under “Who has been the most influential person in your life?”, he listed Thomas Edison. Really? Does he know him personally, because I looked it up and Mr. Edison has been dead since 1931. Is he a ghost whisperer like Jennifer Love Hewitt? Also, he  wanted to let his potential matches know that he is authorized to use deadly force in the kitchen. This sounds like an answer in the game, “Clue.” My winning guess would be, “The doctor did it in the kitchen with a butcher knife.”

A third category on one’s home page is “The Five Things I Can’t Live Without.” There were three answers that took the prizes this week:

The bronze medal was awarded to the fellow who listed “Poker.” I think that this requires clarification. Does he mean Texas Holdem or strip poker? Either way, I am still not looking for a gambling-type of man.

The silver medal went to the George Hamilton’s twin, who wrote Sun and Suntan Lotion. (For those of you that may not be familiar with George Hamilton, he is an actor most famous for his ever-tanned body.) I don’t want to be the one taking care of this guy when he develops melanoma.

This week’s gold medal winner goes to the 57-year old who actually put “Huggable Underwear.” Based on his age and obvious need for specific undergarments, I am going to suggest that he begin purchasing Depends, the adult diaper. I am pretty sure that they are “huggable” AND absorbent.

In yet another category titled, “The One Thing I Wish More People Would Notice About Me?”, one gent actually wrote (and I always quote), “My little ears.” I need a guy with BIG ears so he can listen to me when I am nagging talking to him. In this same category, I was matched with my first narcissistic fellow. He wants you to notice, right off the bat, that he is confident and very secure with himself. He has the bar set high for who he is looking for. Good luck with finding Ms. Perfect. I am pretty sure she doesn’t exist.The hands down winner in this category, though, has to be the slightly deranged fellow who said, “I love to make up all kinds of different characters to carry different messages.” He called this “creativity.” I call it Multiple Personality Disorder.

There really was only one winner in the category, “Best Photo.” One stud muffin, dressed in a muscle t-shirt and shorts, was standing in the parking lot of an apartment complex holding a broom over his shoulder. Is the broom his mode of transportation? I need a guy with a car.

So, there you have it. Forty-nine potential Mr. Rights, yet they were all wrong! I just want to mention (in keeping with good karma), that it is not my intention to come across as mean-spirited or someone who makes fun of others. I am just attempting, through humor, to convey the fact that IT CAN BE HUGELY DIFFICULT to find that one person you click with. If you are someone truly in search of a companion, I wish you all the best. I believe that there is a match out there for everyone. It takes patience, perseverance, and a sense of humor to dig them up.  See you in a week-same time, same place.

This week forty-nine men showed up as potential “matches” according to my provider. The first thing I would like to note is that there really are a lot of single people out there in cyber-space. In just two short weeks, I have been sent approximately 93 potential mates-quite an astonishing amount of available men! There is just one slight problem. The vast majority (99.9%) end up in my “archived” file. (In this case, “archived” is just a kind way of saying “deleted.”) This week, like week one, reiterated the fact that fifty-something males are not aging well in our society. (My sister reminded me that if you look closely while attending your high school reunion, the women look far better than the men. I have to agree, having attended three of my own such affairs.) Here is a recap of week two:

I received three matches this week with no photos attached. My service stresses that in order to be successful with their site, you must post photos, and more equals better. No photo attached says, “I am not attractive enough to let you see what I look like, but I REALLY do have a great personality.” Delete.

On the subject of photos, most men do post several, and in various venues. There were two pics that really took the prize this week:

Runner-up: One gentlemen posted a photo of his pet pig, Melwood. I am hoping that like me, he refrains from eating pork. It would not be cool to fry up a pound of bacon on Sunday morning with Melwood in the other room, snoring on the sofa. I’m just saying……..

1st Prize: In his scroll of photos, a match posted a picture of himself dressed in a black, floppy hat, red mid-length coat, skirt (okay-maybe it was a kilt), and black, knee-high boots. Could it possibly be Robin Hood, or a pirate, or a Three Musketeer (not to be confused with the chocolate bar)? I could not hit “archive” fast enough!

I noticed that a couple of men this week had no children, and quite possibly had never been married. Never married and you are in your fifties? Red flag! Delete.

This week also included some of the most memorable quotes/answers on the profile pages. Here are the winners:

One man listed his children (they are grown) as his SECOND passion in his life after his job. He also wrote extensively about his career in other sections. Sounds like a workaholic! Delete.

Another fellow wrote that his passion is horse racing. Sounds like Kenny Rogers and “The Gambler.” Delete.

One gent wrote that he is most passionate about (and I quote), “The origin and structure of the universe.” Much too intellectual (and probably b-o-r-i-n-g) for me. Delete.

One very honest soul wrote that he, “Stays active in a 12-step program to stay clean and sober.” Good for you, but not for me! Delete.

One wiseguy let his matches know that the First Thing People Notice About Me is that “I can be a smart@#$ on occasion.” I am looking for a smart (read intelligent) guy, but can do without the @#$ part. I don’t need a donkey. Delete.

One super catch listed “sex” as the number one thing he can’t live without, and also spends his leisure time “girl watching.” Double creepy! He belongs on Match.com. DELETE. (Note the capital letters here.)

The hands down, number one quote came from a scruffy, granola-eating type, who reminded me of Ted Kuzinski, the Uni-bomber. His profile was a rambling manifesto about his love of nature and the outdoors, and included this sentence under the category, “What is the first thing people notice about me?” His answer (and I wrote it down as to get it 100% correct), “That I carry my own weather with me.” Huh???? Was that a typo? Did he mean, “That I carry my own water with me?” It doesn’t really matter. Delete.

I do have to admit that there were a couple of good profiles this week, including a fellow exerciser that includes yoga in his fitness regimen (I like that!), and an attractive English professor. I did send an “Icebreaker” to bachelor number two, which means that I have now officially set myself up for possible rejection. Oh well, you’ve got to put yourself out there if you want to find love. I also traded a few emails with a potential match, but my woman’s intuition is telling me that we are not meant to be. I guess you really do have to kiss a few frogs in order to find your Prince. Or, as they say in the 21st century, “You have to hit “delete” on a lot of duds in order to find your Soul Mate. (I just made that one up!)

See you next week. Bet you can’t wait………

Yesterday, when I wrote a summary of my first week of experiences with an online dating site, I neglected to mention some of the more standout profiles that I perused. After mentioning a few of these to a co-worker today, I decided to jot them down for memory’s sake:

In one section of your profile, you are asked to list the five top things that you can’t live without. The very first item on one potential match’s list was “steaks.”  Probably not the soul mate of a vegetarian.  I hit the delete button.

Looking over the photo slideshow of one gentleman, I concluded that he was most likely Liberace’s son. I couldn’t possibly date a man with bigger hair than mine. Delete.

One perspective suitor answered two questions in all capital letters. This read like he was shouting, quite possibly revealing some anger and/or bitterness. Double delete.

When developing your profile, you are encouraged to list an age range for possible matches.  I decided that I could handle five years younger (age 45) and eight years older (58).  My provider sent me only three or four men in their later forties, and several that were in their middle-to-late fifties.  Unfortunately, several of the fifty-something men had not aged very well.  They looked significantly older than the candles on their birthday cake. Delete. (Sorry! In most cases, I realize that this is something you can’t control.  It is in the genes.)

Those are just a few of the most memorable “no’s” in the pile this week. I am certain that I am a “no” for some of the men who were sent my profile and photos. That is okay. Hopefully, though, I was not fodder for their blog!

Exactly one week ago today, I officially became one of thousands looking for love on the internet. My account was activated and just like that, nearly forty middle-aged men, deemed a “match” by my provider, were sent to my site. I have looked at their photos and read their profiles, and I think it might be safe to conclude that I will remain single for at least another week. I did begin communicating with one gentleman (he initiated the contact), but after replying to his second email, I have not heard from him.  Now, in his defense, he may be out of town, or in the hospital, or otherwise compromised, or perhaps he was sent a better “match,” but the fact remains that all of a sudden you are left hanging. This is exactly why I express some discomfort in doing this. It just seems kind of  “high schoolish” at times. I didn’t like playing this game back then, and I don’t like it any better thirty-something years later!

Oh well, I have vowed to give this a try. It is probably one of the best avenues for meeting single adults in our technology-driven society. I will remain hopeful that Mr. Right will appear in my “In Box” someday. As my friend Debbie used to say, “There’s no place like hope.”

See you next week…….or sooner if I have scoop!

Exactly four years ago this month, I was given a three-month subscription to Match.com. One of the owners of the company where I work generously surprised me with this gift in an effort to change my status from single to “hooked up.”  I terminated the subscription shy of the 90-day mark. I found that particular site kind of creepy and demeaning, and just couldn’t play the game. I did sign up with eHarmony during this same time period, and found this site lacking in the creep factor with a better quality of choices. However, when my subscription came up for renewal, I did not elect to re-join. In hindsight, I don’t think that I was ready to take this step. My son was just turning nine, and I could not foresee investing the time and energy it takes to date. I also believed that I had never found anyone of quality while actively “searching.” Love happens when you are merely going about your life, as in you can meet someone at the corner grocery or dry cleaners. Wrong! I spend an incredible amount of my time at the grocery and Wal-Mart and have never rammed my cart into Mr. Right.

Fast forward to January 2011. Today, I subscribed to an online dating service. I have made a vow (not to be confused with a resolution) to remain on the site for the duration of this year, or until I find my Prince Charming, currently referred to as a “Soul Mate.”  I intend to use this very blog to document the good, the bad and hopefully not, the ugly. I envision future posts that make reference to the term “rejection,” as in I have been rejected or have had to reject some of my matches. (Dating, in any forum, can be a real test of your self-esteem.) I hope to remember to remind myself (over and over, if necessary), that if I am the one rejected, it is simply because it was not meant to be. So, I am letting you and the universe know that I believe that I am ready this time to find a great companion. Come out, come out, wherever you are.

To be continued…….