Here we are-Week 35 and the beginning of my eighth month as a subscriber to an online dating site. Even I could not predict that I would last this long. (My first attempt at this lasted a mere two months.) I do believe that this blog has assisted with my commitment to this process. I have not written this much IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, and for that I am grateful. I did manage to read more profiles than in past weeks, so here is my recap:

I did receive one email and one flirtatious comment from interested fellas, but chose not to respond to either one. I think they both were “window shoppers.” ( I spoke about such bachelors in last week’s post.) Our profiles did not really have anything in common, and one guy’s profile contained the silly age parameters that I so often speak about. He is a 50-year old local chap who is looking for women aged 40-45. He wrote a sort of rambling email, where he mentioned his divorce, two daughters, occupation, and other things I frankly don’t remember. He told me that I need to change the “5” in my age to a “3” since he believes that I don’t look as old as the number of candles on my cake. Hey, flattery USUALLY gets you everything, but not in this case. I do, however, wish him well in his search.

The 58-year old flirt did have a good age range for females (46-60), but he used the word “attractive” in his profile. Just like spelling and grammar, I often harp on the fact that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Tell me that you are a good person, loyal, faithful, honest, hard-working, fun-loving, monogamous, a giver, financially secure, in good health, etc., but do NOT tell me that you are attractive. I can figure out that on my own, and it is about SO much more than looks! See, climbing out of her box is helping Joan realize that physical appearance is only the housing for the whole package.

One 53-year old Don Juan wants his matches to know that he has the “libido of a 21-year old, but is NOT on here for sex.” I will go out on a limb here and say that he could be a spokesperson for Viagra. Apparently, the little pills are working! Also, it is refreshing to learn that there is at least one guy on my site who isn’t JLTGL (Just Looking To Get Laid.) I have heard about the JLTGL’s, and did cross paths with one recently. This prompted me to update my own profile with this line: “If you are looking to casually date women, I am probably not the one for you. I am looking for a long-term, committed relationship, hopefully my last one.”   It is my intention to no longer become a blip on the JLTGL’s radar!

At least three of my matches had funny self-descriptions in their profiles. I will list them in no particular order, and hopefully, you will find them just as amusing as I did. The first said, “I do have all my own teeth and I wear shoes even though I am from (insert name of a southern state.) I have never been arrested. My date had better have a sense of humor also.”

The second one said, “I am not big on the camping thing, but would enjoy boating or maybe even fishing as long as it is not dirty or smells bad.” Here is my take on this. I have been fishing once or twice in my pre-vegetarian life and it is ALWAYS dirty (think slippery, slimy worms as bait) and it ALWAYS smells bad. Stick with boating. It is usually just a drunken way to stay cool and get wet!

The third comedian wannabe said, “I do have all the basics-don’t live with mom, have my own place, car, job, brush my teeth, etc.” Sure he sounds good and stable but is he a “JLTGL?????” That answer should be included with the “basics.” I’m just sayin!

Two of my potential matches had a deal breaker in their list of “favorite things.” They both named their favorite types of music and then said, “No rap allowed,” or “Absolutely no rap in the car or at home.” Dang! I actually enjoy some rap, and often have it turned up REAL loud in my car where I sing and dance (while driving….) I think I might just experience symptoms of withdrawal if Flo Rida, Pit Bull, Usher and others were named a forbidden substance. How else can I get my gangsta on????

And, last but not least, I do have a winner in the “favorite photo” category. One quite cute, 48-year old, home state dude took a photo of himself in the bathroom mirror. (Apparently, he did not read an earlier post of mine nixing this practice.) In the background of the photo, I could plainly see a photo of a pin-up girl, nicely framed and hanging on the wall. WTF???? Well, That is Fantastic (and a bit weird for a middle-aged guy.) That type of photo seems more appropriate as wall art in the bedroom of a teen-aged, pimple-faced boy who just happens to be one big raging hormone!

Well, that is a wrap of Week 35. It is the last official weekend of summer, even though technically the season is still with us for a few more weeks. I hope your summer was a good one. I am looking forward to wearing jeans and jackets, and having the windows of my home wide open. I can just taste the cool, crispness of Fall.  Bring it on!

It was a relatively quiet week in cyber dating land, if you dismiss the fact that I was “dumped” in a text by a guy that I had been talking to/quasi dating. (I use the term “dumped” loosely, as this was not a long-term, serious relationship of any kind.) I am perfectly fine with this ending, as I was still trying to determine if I was physically attracted to him (he was WAY outside the box), and it was becoming clear that we were looking for two different things at this particular moment in time. I absolutely did NOT take it personally, and felt like a teenaged girl getting ditched in such an impersonal yet hip way. Welcome to the 21st century! What a girl has to realize is that he was NOT the one, and she needs to move on and clear the path for the right one to come in. Enough said.

I probably read about 15 profiles this week, and I must admit that the guys did a fairly decent job with their bios. One guy with an intact sense of humor wrote, “I have all my own hair and teeth, and learned the hard way that plaids and stripes don’t go together. I am partially domesticated, which is quite rare for my species.” I like my men domesticated-just like my dogs. He could be a keeper!

Another guy leans towards being my soulmate as he listed “Ovaltine” as one of his favorite things. In college, I was introduced to the chocolate version of this old-time beverage. I have been drinking it every morning since. Some folks prefer coffee as a morning pick-me-up. I choose to start my day with sugar and chocolate and a little milk (read: protein) mixed in.

This past week, my mom was shopping for cooking oil at a local fruit market. An attractive, older gentleman was also stocking up on this pantry basic. My mom made the comment that she was looking for a small bottle that would not go rancid, to which the man said, “I usually select a bottle based on its appearance, the same way I picked my last two ex-wives!” It just goes to show you that men are visual beings. It doesn’t matter if they are shopping for groceries or wives. The package is what gets their attention. I see this all the time with men who have nothing in common with me (ie: they obviously did not read my profile), but liked what they saw in my photos and elect to contact me. Again, while a physical attraction is certainly important, it cannot sustain a relationship. Food for thought guys!

On a much lighter note, I would like to share a story with you from this past week. It really has nothing to do with online dating other than the fact that it is about two single, 50-something females and a hottie cop. My co-worker and I were on our way to a concert in our hometown. We were diligently following crappy directions that had been downloaded off of Mapquest. The directions omitted an important turn, which left us heading the wrong way. We turned around and were headed in the direction we felt would get us to our destination. My co-worker, the driver, decided to type our location into her phone (while driving) in an effort to get us back on track. A city police officer pulled up beside us, peered into the car and then proceeded on. We pulled into a gas station to read the newly downloaded directions, and then pulled back onto the road where we were stopped at a traffic light. The same policeman pulled up next to us, rolled down his window and asked if we were alright. My attractive, blond co-worker responded in her best southern drawl, “No, we are not okay. We are supposed to be at a concert, and now we are lost.” The officer told us to stay put while he turned around and would personally escort us the rest of the way. Being the obedient citizens that we are, we did exactly as told. We followed him through the winding neighborhood roads as he lead us within a mile or so of our destination. We followed him into another filling station where he got out of the car (this is where we got to see all of his “hotness” up close and personal), and told us to just follow the road down the hill to our final destination. He admitted that he had been concerned that blondie was having a medical emergency. Wrong! The only emergency in our car was that two older chicks were confused and disoriented and were texting and driving. Again, like I mentioned earlier,  it is a sign of our times. Thanks to our run in with a good cop, we arrived at the concert in time to grab a marguerita, find our seats and sing and dance for two plus hours. Lest you think I have crafted this story as an enhancement to an otherwise boring post, I have included a photo as proof. Thanks for reading, and may I suggest that you go out and find your own police story this week-preferably one that does not result in any jail time. It makes for interesting fodder for a blog, just like good-bye texts!

I celebrated my 51st birthday this week. It arrived with much less fanfare than the big event of 2010, but I did receive some really great cards with kind words scribbled inside. I was also treated to the Texas version of the birthday song by two long-time friends and former co-workers. It was a good day. Now, I am merely a 50-something female looking for love on the internet. Isn’t peri-menopause enough punishment for a gal? Here are the best of the best from this week’s profiles:

One 51-year old local guy wrote the following: “I’m a divorced physician who happens to be too busy with practice and kids, looking for special lady with Beauty, brains and personality.” Add a few more words about sports and travel, and you have his bio in its entirety. I made note of two things in his profile. First, notice that the word “beauty” comes complete with a capital “B.” I believe that looks is a priority. Secondly, since he feels the need to mention that he is a doctor, perhaps he is relying on his profession and not his gift of writing to hook his lady?

Two fellows mentioned their love of food in their profiles. The first says, “I live to eat, although, I am eating better these days to live a full life.” Kudos to him for re-evaluating his eating habits. As my late husband used to say, “Do you live to eat, or eat to live?” (I choose number two.) The second gent said, “I am attractive but not beautiful or skinny. I struggle with my weight.” These two sentences sounded strangely feminine to me. Men do not generally use the term “skinny” when making references to their weight. I also do not think that either men or women should be making references to their own physical attributes in their profiles. This is the purpose of photos and other biographical information. Remember, “beauty” is in the eye of the beholder.

One 51-year old same state resident said, “I enjoy my career. I do not have to dread going to work.” He is also “not stuck on foods. ” He just tries to eat healthy. I don’t know why, but these comments struck me as kind of funny. I would definitely say that he “eats to live,” not vice versa like some of this week’s competition.

One bachelor listed “sexy shoes’ as one of his favorite things. I hope he is referring to footwear worn by females, and not shoes in his own collection. Just like the fellow I previously mentioned, “sexy shoes” and “skinny” are not terms generally associated with the manly man.

I had to don the English teacher hat AGAIN this week. Apparently, one home-grown guy missed the class on the proper use of the apostrophe. Here is his list of favorite “thing’s”: Sport’s, walk’s, movie’s, family night’s and adult night’s. He did all of that extra typing of apostrophes when all that was required was the “s.” Week after week, I am dragging out the red pen. I would actually  prefer to read profiles and not correct them. My writing device is running out of ink!

I will end this week with two old farts with humorously creepy age parameters. (By the way, both of them wrote to me! UGH!) The first, a 57-year old with “69” in his online user name (DOUBLE CREEPY), is seeking women 30-55. Not only is this misguided soul seeking women 27 years his junior, but like so many before him, he can’t date a woman his age. (Just an aside: A friend recently mentioned that he knows a woman who states outright in her profile that she does not want to be contacted by men with the number “69” written anywhere in their profile. I might just consider doing the same. YUCK!)

The second guy, a 62-year old local divorcee, is seeking women 42-59. Again, he is willing to rob the cradle and date his  daughter’s friends, but can’t possibly spend time with a woman his age, or even slightly older. Shame on you, Grandpa! This one does redeem himself somewhat with a quote contained within his profile: “The two of us together will be better than each of us alone.” Two points for a great line, but minus 20 for the creepiness factor. Total score: Negative 18!

I am grateful for ALL of the candles on my cake this week, and am hopeful that this next year will be full of  joy and laughter and meaningful encounters with fellow humans and maybe even a little love. Thanks for tagging along again this week!

I am lacking in motivation to write this week’s post. First, I only logged onto the site twice, and maybe read 15 profiles total. Also, I am still hanging out with someone I met, so it makes it less fun (and worthwhile) to read the profiles of other men.  I am monogamous to a fault, I guess? Or, I just don’t multi-task very well. Anyway, here is a recap of the good and not so good quotes and photos from this week:

One 56-year old from my hood wants his matches to know that his favorite color is orange, “because of past memories of Halloween.” I don’t know a lot of men who want to reveal their favorite color to you.  I can’t even remember the last time I told anyone my favorite color?  Maybe junior high or high school? And I am a chick!

This week was not without a faithful viewer of the television show, Two and a Half Men,” however, this bachelor wants the ladies to know that he is neither Charlie nor Allen. Whew! The player and the metro-sexual: not top choices on my list.

One guy listed his favorite hot spot as “Walmart.” While I would not list that store as a “hot spot” for entertainment purposes, it is probably number one on my list of favorite places to shop for food and necessities. I give them TONS of my money every month! (If you want entertainment, I suggest you log onto the “People of Walmart” website. You will not only be entertained by what you see, but you might just be a little shocked at who is showing up at your local store!)

One 52-year old seeking women aged 40-60 (please note realistic age parameters) said, “Who’s into Monster Trucks and Tractor Pulls???? Yeah…..me neither!” I thought it was a cute statement, and one I had never seen before. Guess he isn’t into the rough-around-the-edges ladyfolk.

One 46-year old with the name “Sleepin” states that “I put the seat down.” Wow! He must have read my post from last week!

To wrap up the odd and the wacky, one 52-year old local guy with no photo and an income of less than $25,000 had a profile that I will quote in its entirety, EXACTLY as it was written:

“I am a former acomplished Athlete Still in great shape for my age I pray every day go to church every day but Im still a new follower of Crist I’m Quiet I talk to friends Daily but I’m still alone alot and trying to change that……I like to go to church and play with my cat and my favorite thing is Christian.” The latent English teacher in me was ALL OVER the misspellings, lack of accurate punctuation and intermittent capitalization. How many times do I have to say, “GET SOMEONE TO PROOFREAD YOUR PROFILE BEFORE YOU POST IT!!!”

There were two winning photos this week, both of which had beer as their theme. One same town guy posted a photo of himself with six other people, most of whom were elderly. One of the older gentlemen was sporting a t-shirt that said, “I Fear No Beer!” Apparently beer must flow from the fountain of youth, because gramps is still kickin! The other photo was a close-up of a spaniel-type dog sniffing at a bottle of beer. I guess Spuds MacKenzie has passed the Budweiser torch to another breed? The canine motto is, “Share the beer!”

And last but not least, I leave you with a quote posted by a fella that sums up his view of dating. “One must look with the heart. Remember the eyes are blind.” I LOVE that, especially since I so often confine myself to a boxed type. I am realizing that what I really want is most likely outside of my box, so I need to heed the advice and let my heart do the looking. My eyes aren’t what they used to be anyway!

As always, thanks for reading and have a great week!

It has been a busy weekend, so I am behind in my recaps for this week. Though I actually read very few profiles, the guys never fail to provide me with SOMETHING to write about. Here we go…..

One 54-year old took me back to time spent in Texas hanging out in a hole-in-the-wall bar in the Stockyards of Ft. Worth. This beer drinkin’, pool shootin’ West Texas stud said the following, “I am a hard-working country boy and I need the attention and contact that only a good woman can give.” I’ll bet when he finds her, she’ll be wearing cowboy boots and a hat, and can rope a calf, too.

Under the category, “Ridiculous Age Parameters,” one 48-year old from my very neighborhood wrote, “I’ve dated all ages, and prefer women between 27 and 35. Duh! What post-middle aged guy would NOT want some hot young thing 21 years his junior?

Another 50-year old from my hometown said, “I love kids and play hard with my son and often have other kids join us in balls-to-the wall fun!” Obviously, girls must NOT be included in this anatomically correct playtime. He also wants you to know that, “I wanna burn some serious carbs, am hooked on endorphins and am into turbo cuddling!” I like the references to carb burning and an endorphin high, but the cuddling part sounds kind of painful!

One 54-year old divorced, atheist who posted no photo said the following. “I haven’t had a meaningful job since retiring from the Army after being declared unfit for duty. I don’t have a social circle and don’t want to be thrust into one. I’d like to caravan around the country for a few years.” This fellow could definitely benefit from my profile writing advice. There are ways to mask the fact that you are a non-believing, under-employed, loner-qualities which are generally NOT associated with being a “chick magnet.” Contact me and we’ll work on it. No lies, just “embellishment.”

I did get to look at several photos  this week. Lots of guys take their own pics with their cell phones, often in front of the bathroom mirror. A guy this week was no exception. I could not help but notice the white, porcelain toilet behind him with the SEAT UP! While  he probably lives alone and it is just more convenient to leave the seat in its upright position, remember, when you hook that special lady, start putting the seat down. Also, have a friend take a few photos of you with a real camera. It will leave a better impression, and won’t showcase your bathroom habits. She can find that out later.

I could totally relate to one 51-year old who said the following, “I enjoy movies and would love to see more adult movies and less Disney.” Amen! I have seen enough animated films to last a lifetime. I am grateful that my son is old enough to go to the movies with his friends, and I am once again free to see chick flicks!

Lastly, Mr. S., a 50-year old local guy, had several items in his profile that just called out to me and NOT in a good way! He is “happy, intelligent, well-educated, stylish, sociable, attractive, caring and clean. I love music, arts, fashion, traveling, meeting people and all is beautiful. I go all out for the holidays, and usually blow a fuse during Christmas. I will go fishing with you if you want, but sorry, I don’t do worms. I like snorkeling, but am afraid to try scuba diving.” I have highlighted in red the items that I would encourage him to either eliminate or re-phrase. Here are some suggestions.  It is assumed that all of us are clean, so that statement seems redundant. I would leave it out. Also, I am a little nervous about men that are into “fashion.” Generally, these guys tend to be lacking in their full dose of testosterone. On the subject of fishing, I don’t do worms either, but I am girl! Boys are supposed to like slimy, crawly, creepy things, or so my son says. AND, how are you gonna hook anything if you don’t use bait?  Lastly, never admit that you are afraid of anything! Girls dig a guy who can protect them from evil, like a great white shark that takes a liking to her on a dive.

I hit the seven-month mark this week. Seven months and 31 posts and STILL no Mr. Right. I encourage him to show his face (soon) whether it is online or in my real life. How about within the next week or so? My 51st birthday is approaching, and I can’t possibly think of a better gift. There, my wish has been tossed out to the universe as I blow out the last of my candles……..

My new photos continue to aid in increasing communications. I received three “flirty nods” and three emails this week. I am beginning communication with one local, same-aged guy, but that is all I will reveal. Some things need to be kept private (and off the internet) unless there really is something to talk about. You will be the first to know if there is “news.” This week, I also had one of the guys in my writing group proofread my profile. (He has subscribed to online dating sites in the past, and has met with success.) I am pleased to report that in his male, unbiased opinion, my profile received a passing grade. (This is a good thing since I am rather critical of the profiles posted by my potential matches.) So, in regards to this online dating stuff, I have done all I can do. My profile is up-to-date and apparently okay, and my photos are current and close-up. I will just sit back, relax, and read profiles. Here is what I found interesting and sharable this week:

One guy actually included a question in his profile. He wants to know, “Is there a woman that is 35-50 who can forgive small issues, does not complain about every single detail, not a victim in every conversation and can honestly be in a good mood the majority of the time in this state?” My answer to Mr. Frustrated is “No.” All of the women in this state and the remaining 49 are incapable of possessing the qualities you mentioned because they have a uterus. When one is the keeper of this particular body part, and all of the other parts that go with it, she is rendered incapable of acting in the manner you describe. She is entitled to be whiny and bitchy and moody ANYTIME she wants to because she is female. Period. (Pun intended!)

There was one rambling manifesto in this week’s lot, but I will refrain from picking on him too much since he was a hippie and  fellow veg-head. (One of my favorite alter egos.)  He did, however, mention the following, which grabbed my attention: “I caught the happy virus last night when I was out singing beneath the stars.” Here is a word of advice for Mr. Long On Words. It is probably NOT a good idea to use the word “virus” in a profile you are writing to attract women, even if it is a “happy” one. For example, I am sure that lots of folks who have contracted the Herpes virus were quite happy when they were exposed, but not so much later…..Just food for thought!

Each person’s profile has a “tag line” at the top of their page, and this one caught my attention: “My Juliette, My Juliette, where art for my Juliette!!!” First of all, please know that I really dig Shakespeare. I took a course my junior year in college that was nothing but reading, interpreting,and then writing about Shakespeare’s works. It was one of the best classes I enrolled in during my stint at the university. If one is going to quote Shakespeare, (and include a little “twist”), it would be my recommendation that you jot it down correctly. The actual quote from Juliet is, ” O Romeo, Romeo wherefore art thou, Romeo.” Remember guys, always spell check your work, AND get your quotes right!

On the topic once again of ridiculous age parameters, one 56-year old gent (who looked every minute of it), is seeking women aged 37-47. I am not even going to issue a comment.

There weren’t any crazy photos this week, just the usual close-ups and snapshots from scenic venues, however, one 51-year old posted five photos of himself, all of which were blurry and out-of-focus. Did you not notice that when you posted the photos? And I thought I was the only one who needs readers!

One youthful looking 56-year old had a few items in his profile that I found noteworthy. First, he wants his matches to know that he always eats his veggies, even brussel sprouts. That makes two guys now who have mentioned an affinity for veggies, especially the not-always-popular ones. (The other guy had just recently added asparagus to his preferred list.) He also stated that he wants his matches to, “Be kind to strangers, old men and stray dogs.” I have no problem extending kindness and caring to strangers and stray dogs, but after nearly seven months of reading the profiles of old men, my patience and niceness have been worn thin! Lastly, he included a statement that could be written by me. He says, “I am not shy except with girls I have a crush on!” OMG. I say this all the time. I can talk all day with a fellow that I am not attracted to, or perceive as a friend, but put an available guy in front of me who peaks my interest, and suddenly I become mute. (Not an easy feat for talkative Joan!) This exact scenario just happened to me a few weeks ago. I am fully aware of this flaw in my character and am forcing myself to work on it.

Last but not least, one Irish Catholic local guy had not one, BUT two great quotes in his profile. Number One:  “I am looking to complement not complicate your life.” And, Number Two: “I’m not looking for perfection, but rather for someone who is perfect for me!” Well done, lad. I hope you find what you are searching for!

That wraps up your peek into the online dating world for this week. Thanks to my Facebook link, my readership (and subscriptions) have increased. I greatly appreciate that you take time out of your day to read the ramblings of a 50-year old. Apparently, my son and his friends aren’t the only ones with something interesting to say. Peace out!

I posted a few new photos on my profile this week. (The pics were taken on our recent trip to the Bahamas.) Apparently, this was all I needed to do in order to shake things up a bit. I received four flirtatious communications from men aged 54-65, and two emails. One of the flirts was a small-in-stature, 59-year old who posted no photo. He is seeking women aged 45-63. He received one point for considering women four years his senior, but loses two points for chasing after ladies 14 years his junior. The 65-year old is seeking women aged 50-80. His magic number appears to be fifteen-he’ll go 15 years younger and 15 years older. I get the younger chick thing, but an 80-year old woman? I honestly have trouble conjuring up a visual of that relationship. Also, the dating site warns that a broad age-range can be a method of the scammer, as they seek to be matched with as many profiles as possible. Watch out ladies!

I was sent the profile of a 47-year old firefighter from my home state. He was a very fit fellow, who posted several shirtless photos of himself. While he was no match for me, I do give him my vote as Mr. August in the upcoming 2012 Hotter-Than-Hell Firefighter Calendar. He was very specific about characteristics he considered deal breakers:

“No smokers or liberals. We would never agree. I don’t believe in spreading the wealth.”

“Not interested in anyone who defines themselves as a mom.”

“If you are currently separated and haven’t filed for divorce, you shouldn’t be on here.”

I came up with an easier (and shorter) way to say all of the above: ” No Democrat, cigarette smoking moms who haven’t ditched daddy yet!”

I had two favorite photos this week. The runner-up was actually two photos posted by “Cheerful Marshall.” His primary photo, probably fairly current, portrayed a gray-haired gent wearing rather large wire-framed glasses which covered a large portion of his face. When you clicked on photo #2, Marshall was staring at me from behind the same pair of spectacles, however, his hair was now a brownish/blond. Apparently, Mr. Cheerful has been donning the same pair of eyeglasses since the 70’s. My advice to him would be to update the lenses with a look that is more current. (I know a great optometrist I can hook him up with.) New lenses plus new photos equals more dates with the chicks. This will give Marshall something to really be cheery about!

The winning photo was actually the 11th and final photo in a slide show posted by a potential match. The picture was a close-up of a cup of beer resting on the arm of a chaise lounge. In the foreground, one could see sand, cabanas and a brief hint of the ocean. This photo rivals pictures frequently sent to me by a co-worker, who resides in Florida.  J.P.enjoys sending close-up shots of his feet, which are generally poolside or propped up on the bow of a boat. Photos of beers and feet. Gotta love the guys!

That folks is a wrap! It was a good week. I had a cool thing happen on Facebook a few days ago. I found one of my favorite high school teachers, who just happened to teach English, one of my better subjects. We are now “friends.” I wonder if I can encourage him to retrieve his red pen from the moth balls and critique my writing? It would be like the old days, though I would no longer be a menace in class. I have grown up-some!