Author Archives: jfh48

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About jfh48

Joan has entered a new chapter in life. She is using her newfound gift of time to hone her writing skills. In 2019, she self-published her first book, a memoir. Carried By a Feather is the story of Joan's family and the tragedy that befalls two members. The book won second place in The BookFest Spring 2023 awards in the personal memoir category. Joan will continue to journal all of life's twists and turns, the good with the bad. These jottings are for her eyes only. There is LOTS to write about! The written word is powerful, healing and worth sharing.

Memoir Mania

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It has come to my attention that my reading focus of late has been the memoir.  Just this year alone, I have read four or five books by Jen Lancaster, two by Jennifer Lauck and another pair by Anne Lamott. (Apparently, I have a preference for memoirs written by women whose last name begins with “L.”)  The memoir has become my preferred genre.  In my younger days and into my thirties, I mostly devoured books of fiction.  It was escapism in its purest form.  In my mid-thirties, I switched to non-fiction, a move that thrilled my non-fiction-fanatic late husband. (I landed in the New Age/Spiritual section, and gobbled up countless books as I became awakened to my spirit. ) The memoir is appropriate for my grown-up taste in books that are true. As I continue to take teeny-tiny baby steps with my writing, the memoir, one written by and about me, seems like a possible long-term goal.  Everyone has a story worth telling. The trick will be to find the time, words, confidence, patience, humor, humility and freedom to dare to write it all down.

By the Hand of an Angel

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I spend a notable amount of time (and money) at Wal-Mart, so it would seem fitting that I would have a spiritual experience there.  As I have mentioned in previous posts, I believe that EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  There is no such thing as luck, chance or accidents. I would like to list a chain of events that set into place a meeting with a kindred spirit:

1. Last week, I purchased gift cards for my son’s teachers and other school personnel. The list was lengthy, so in an effort to save a few bucks, I decided not to include his AM and PM bus drivers.

2. This morning, while waving to the bus driver, I felt a pang of guilt for leaving her off of the thank you list. I decided that I would stop at Wal-Mart on my way home from the gym and pick up two more gift cards.

3. While driving to the gym, I changed my mind and decided to stop at Wal-Mart before my workout. I ran into the store, grabbed two gift cards and headed for the checkout with the shortest line. While standing there, I realized that the customer in front of me was going to take a while, so I headed for another checkout.

4. There was no one in line at the next register, however, the cashier was standing a few feet away talking with a woman. When she saw me, she ended the conversation and hustled back to her register. She apologized for keeping me waiting, and said that she got caught up talking with the previous customer. Through casual conversation, the clerk had learned that the woman had recently lost her 18-year old daughter to Leukemia.

5. I finished my transaction and began walking towards the exit. I did not get very far when the female customer headed out of the restroom and into my path. We made eye contact, and I asked,” Are you the woman who was just speaking with the Wal-Mart employee?” She shook her head yes, and we began a 45-minute conversation. I mentioned that I had survived a rare form of Leukemia, and that I had lost my husband to cancer over eight years ago.  We spoke about her daughter, and the progression of the disease that ultimately led to her passing last November. We also learned that we share similar spiritual views, and are both on a path to learn more about ourselves and others as more than just human beings. As we parted ways, Rita jotted down her email address, and we agreed to make contact a second time.

We both believe that her daughter had orchestrated the chain of events that led to our meeting. (Rita lives in another part of the city, and had stopped at this particular Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies for work.) We were destined to meet and be granted the opportunity to share our stories about illness and loss.

Thank you, Natalie, for introducing me to your remarkable mother. Through our brief interaction, I learned that the two of you shared a very special bond, and that you are missed. I am grateful for the gift I was given today. I had a chance, once again, to witness the perfection of the universe.

Change of Season

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Time is flying by. January, February, March, April and now May. The temperatures are heating up, and the rain is falling with less frequency. The other night, I saw my first firefly (aka: lightning bug.) Summer is inching its way into the Midwest. Shorts and flip-flops have become the common attire, and the baseball fields are filled to capacity. Hopefully, the tempo of  life will weaken its pace, and the lazy days of summer will be upon us. I am up for a little lazy!

A New Angel

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Today, I went to a visitation-for a child. I have been to many visitations in my lifetime, but never for an 11-year old-a boy born within the same year as my own son. I dreaded going to the funeral home. I was nervous about facing the family, and even more worried that the casket would be open. It was. I spoke briefly with the parents, trying to avoid eye contact with the small, “sleeping”, bald-headed boy nestled so delicately in the adult-sized, shiny, wooden box. I made my way to a second room, where a video rolled with cherished family photos captured in happier times. I could only briefly view the images of the boy sitting on Santa’s knee, or dressed for Halloween in fireman gear. My heart ached as I watched with tears swelling in my eyes, making the pictures blurry at times. I left almost as quickly as I came, hoping that this was the first and last time that I would have to attend such an event for a child.

It seemed fitting and appropriate that at the exact time people were arriving to pay their respects, the dark and gloomy skies opened up and unleashed a torrential downpour. It appeared that even the clouds were allowing their grief to spill over.

What to Say When the Unthinkable Occurs

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It has been months since I have actually sat down and written something.  I have been caught up in our frazzled and frenzied schedule that occurs every Spring.  I also hesitated to pen my thoughts during times earlier this year when they seemed dark and gloomy. ( I diagnosed myself with a case of S.A.D. topped off with menopausal mood swings.) Today, I sat down at the keyboard in an attempt to come up with some profound succession of words that might help me express my sincere sadness to a new friend that lost her eleven-year old son to cancer early Saturday morning. What do you say to a mother who has just experienced the most unthinkable tragedy? There are no textbooks that prepare us for what to say or do when events occur outside of their natural order. Plain and simply-parents are not supposed to bury their children.

My heart aches for the family and the long road of grief that they will be forced to travel.  I wish them the strength they will need to hang onto each other through the rough days ahead, and quietly pray that they will remain intact as a unit. (Lesser amounts of stress have been known to tear apart a family or a marriage.) For their beautiful son and brother, A., I am confident that he is safe and well on the other side, free of pain and surrounded by love.

Book Time

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The lawn has gone dormant and the jingle bells have ceased clanging ringing.  This can mean only one thing-I FINALLY have time to indulge myself with books. (Our community built a brand-spanking new, fancy-schmancy library just five minutes from our home. Thanks to falling leaves begging to be raked and nonstop holidays, it took us nearly two months to enter its doors.)  In the past month or so, I have managed to knock out four books (some on loan from afore-mentioned library), and have started a fifth. LIFE IS GOOD! So, here’s a brief synopsis of what has been (or currently is) on Joan’s nightstand:

have a little faith by Mitch Albom.  This is my fourth Mitch Albom book and one that I purchased so I could add it to my collection.  It is the true story of Mr. Albom’s encounters with his Rabbi (who asks him to write his eulogy) and a Detroit pastor who ministers to the poor and homeless in his community.  It is yet another “little book” with a BIG message!

For Christmas, a friend sent me the second book written by Jeannette Walls, Half Broke Horses. (Ms. Walls is the author of the bestseller, The Glass Castle.) Her latest book is the embellished story of her maternal grandmother, Lily Casey Smith, born in 1901 in west Texas. This is a great “chick read”, as it captures the story of a strong, courageous woman with perseverance that is admirable.

My next two reads are by an author that had somehow escaped my literary radar. Jen Lancaster managed to release several hysterically funny biographies without so much as a blip on my screen. Over the course of nine bedtimes, I managed to whip through Pretty in Plaid and Such a Pretty Fat. I have finally found a woman who swears TONS more than I do! The books were an easy read, and offered many opportunities for laughing out loud.

My current book-of-choice is Grace (Eventually)-Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott.  I just started the book last night, but was a fan early on after reading a quote by Kathleen Norris, which is included on page 11 in the Prelude. Ms. Norris says, “Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can’t imagine.” LOVE THAT! I have read two other books by Ms. Lamott, and have never been disappointed.  I’m sure that this one will make number three.

I hope that the slower pace that January tends to offer has left you with time to pursue your hobbies/passions. Before you know it, the birds will be chirping and the grass will be growing, and I will once again be a slave to my little plot of land. ARGH!!!!

Stranger in the House

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I have known for the past two years or so that my son had officially become a tween. Some of the first signs included a tendency to become “mouthy” and argumentative at times, as well as the need to faithfully apply deodorant each morning.  Of course, he possess all of the “tools” required of  male tweens and teens today-iPOD, XBox 360, cell phone (just acquired in the last six weeks) and a vocabulary that includes verbage from the rap culture. (What?) In just a few short weeks, my almost-twelve-year-old-tween has become a teen, even though the “magic 13” is over one year away.  Here are some of the clues that this morphism has occurred:

1. The bathroom of my son now includes products such as AXE shampoo and body wash (what happened to Johnson’s No More Tears?), Purpose Gentle Cleansing Face Wash, Clearasil Cleansing Pads and hair styling gel.

2. I have been informed by afore mentioned boy/man that the tags in his clothing must read Aeropostale, American Eagle and Under Armour. It is still okay to wear college and pro sports athletic shirts, so his Penn State and Pittsburgh Steelers apparel is safe-for now!

3. This past week it was necessary to replace his worn out Nike sneakers for a new pair.  Since the beginning of the school year, his once youth-sized feet have grown into a men’s size 8 1/2, along with a man-sized price of $50.00. Cha-ching!

4. My once always-pays-attention, never-forgets-books-or-papers child is forever forgetting to bring home the items necessary for homework completion.  In a flabbergasted moment, I asked, “What is going on with you?” His reply-“I am too busy talking!” This from a child once so shy that he spent his entire Kindergarten year (sans the last three weeks) standing by himself on the playground at recess. My sort of socially awkward child is now a social butterfly. Go figure!

5. Just this past week, Junior climbed in the car for a ride to the bus stop and informed me that if I got up close to him, I could REALLY smell his AXE bodyspray because he had doubled his usual amount. (I had to stifle my smile/giggle.) I am sure that some sort of expensive manly-man cologne is next……

These are just a few of the signs that times they are a-changin in our household, and there is no turning back now.  Junior’s once dormant hormones had been awakened and even Ambien won’t be able to lull them back to sleep.  Lord help me!

Crossing the Line

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My son has been a vegetarian since birth. This somewhat unconventional diet has not been his choice, but rather was imposed upon him solely by birth right. He has never ingested a juicy burger from a fast food chain, nor has he been served bacon with his breakfast. At Thanksgiving, we show up strictly for the carbs-no turkey protein for us! Junior is comfortable and satisfied at mealtimes, where the staples include cheese, beans, tofu, yogurt and whole grains, including lots-o-pasta. Over the years, I have brainwashed informed him of the inhumane and often unsanitary conditions in which cattle and poultry are raised in the United States. We have also discussed that as a card-carrying member of the “Religion of Joan,” it is considered less than spiritual to eat animals.

I remain hopeful that nearly twelve years of education and abstinence from flesh-eating have guaranteed that my son will adhere to this diet, however, a certain curiosity with the forbidden fruit (or shall I say forbidden flank steak) has been brewing in Junior’s little veggie head. Recently, he expressed an interest in taste testing a real, all-beef burger. Is Junior’s new found inquisitiveness just that, or is it a form of teenage rebellion? If the latter is correct, I would much rather he rebel against his enforced diet than his Type 1 Diabetes. (I have been forewarned by his doctors and clinicians that adolescent diabetics often rebel against their condition as a means of  “fitting in.”) I must confess that my own curiosity has been peaked regarding Junior’s sudden interest in channeling his inner carnivore. I am just a teeny, weenie (pun intended) bit interested in learning if he likes it. (Kind of like Mikey in the LIFE cereal commercials.) He does, after all, possess the genes of a long line of butchers on his grandfathers side. Will his virgin patty-on-a-bun be passed through a window at the Golden Arches, or will it possess the title, “The Baconator,” where one can cross off two forms of livestock with just one bite? (Family and friends have discouraged him from choosing a burger-in-a-box as his first meat-inclusive meal, and are anxiously awaiting the call to assist him in his rite of passage.)

It has been several weeks since Junior first mentioned his interest in meat consumption. So far, he has remained faithful to the family food chain. I’ll keep you posted in the event he crosses over, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that he remains my vegetarian baby!

This Neglected Child of Mine

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I just checked in with my site for the first time in weeks.  My last blog was posted on September 20th.  Can that be? Have I neglected this child of mine for over three months?  If this were a human baby, I would have had Child Protective services knocking on my door, threatening to remove this offspring from my home (and computer).

Thankfully for Joan’s Jottings, the Christmas tree and trimmings have been packed away for at least ten months, and the lazy months of January and February are upon us.  I am choosing not to make any New Year’s Resolutions as we begin this new decade, but if I were, I would vow to write more.  I would also like to spend more time keeping in touch with friends.  And then there is my wish to abstain from using curse words (things that come out of my mouth), and eat less sugar (things that go into my mouth).  Oh no, this is beginning to sound like a list of New Year’s Resolutions!

I wish you a year of happiness and good health, and whatever may be on your non-list of resolutions!

I’ve Come to Realize……

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Recently, I began to follow the blog, sixuntilme.com, written by Kerri Morrone Sparling. Kerri maintains an online journal of sorts, documenting her life with Type 1 Diabetes.  She recently posted a list of answers to several questions that began, “I’ve Come to Realize ……?” Her list consisted of responses to various prompts, such as “I’ve Come to Realize that when I’m driving…….,” or “I’ve Come to Realize that certain people……” I decided to utilize this concept, however, I used free association to develop my list. Here is a sample of my impromptu realizations, in no particular order:

1. I’ve come to realize that I am stronger than I think.

2. I’ve come to realize that opportunities for personal growth most likely present themselves for as long as we continue to breathe (and are willing to learn).

3. I’ve come to realize that everything is not black or white.

4. I’ve come to realize that most people are good, and the rest are just baby souls.

5. I’ve come to realize that being a parent is the most challenging job I have ever had, especially doing it alone.

6. I’ve come to realize that little bullies grow up to be big bullies.

7. I’ve come to realize that my vision will never again be 20/20, but that if I continue to remain open and aware, I will see the perfection that is the universe.

8. I’ve come to realize that dogs are woman’s best friend, too.

9. I’ve come to realize that everything happens for a reason, but the reason is not always crystal clear.

10. I’ve come to realize that exercise is as vital to my day as a shower and brushed teeth.

11. I’ve come to realize that old friends are truly my best friends.

12. I’ve come to realize that I must continually focus my energy inward, because the only thing I can change is myself.

13. I’ve come to realize that the world seems to be caught up in a competition centered around money, power and greed.

14. I’ve come to realize that peanut butter is just as good without jelly.

15. I’ve come to realize that I have met some truly amazing people in my lifetime to-date, and I hope that more are on their way.

16. I’ve come to realize that I am still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

17. I’ve come to realize that I am grateful to have fallen in love with books decades ago, and that thanks to great writers, there is always a “next one” begging to be read.

18. I’ve come to realize that some relationships are toxic, and that I must be able to recognize such pairings and end them.

19. I’ve come to realize that life is short, so eat as much chocolate as you can.

20. I’ve come to realize that my son is an amazing soul who came here as my child and my teacher.

How would you answer, “I’ve Come to Realize?” Try it and see what answers rise to the top.